The preparation I was giving couples once they had decided to be married seemed helpful as far as it went, but for an increasing number, it was simply too little, too late.
Ken Wilson
Laura was telling me about one of the best things God had ever brought into her life. His name was Jim: she loved to be with him; he was always on her mind; she felt more alive than she had ever felt before. Laura knew beyond a shadow of a doubt this was true love.
When I discovered Jim wasn’t a Christian and I shared my concern about the handicap this would be to their unity, Laura wasn’t fazed. It was as if I were criticizing his hair style. She was swept up in a wonderful feeling. I just didn’t understand.
Laura married Jim, and sadly, now finds herself divorced.
John and Amy sat with nervous excitement in the chairs in my office. They had just announced their engagement and had come to me for “premarriage counseling.” Their expectations, though unstated, were clear: I should warmly congratulate them, confer on a date for the wedding, give them a booklet on wedding plans, and offer pastoral perspective on what makes a marriage work.
There was only one problem: I wasn’t sure this marriage would work. Amy, I knew, was strong-willed, had a good deal of Christian training, and held high standards for Christian living. John, a fairly new Christian, tended toward moodiness. He was still working through some strong doubts.
I felt a responsibility to share my concerns and ask them to defer setting a date until these concerns were addressed. But I wondered whether this option was workable. They were, after all, deeply in love by this time. They had followed a typical American dating pattern that included a good deal of sexual contact short of actual intercourse. The emotional bond was set. Reason wasn’t likely to break in at this point, and too much time might push the couple’s remaining sexual restraint beyond the breaking point.
A Fresh Look
The discomfort of these and similar situations stirred me to take a fresh look at what we call marriage preparation. The preparation I was giving a couple once they had decided to be married seemed helpful as far as it went, but it was woefully inadequate for the increasing number of Lauras and Johns and Amys walking through the office door. It was simply too little, too late.
The other leaders of our fellowship and I began to consider: Rather than wring our hands over Laura and John and Amy, why not turn our attention to their younger brothers and sisters? Why not present an alternative to the young men and women who were just beginning to think of marriage, to help them choose a partner “in a way that is holy and honorable” (1 Thess. 4:3-5)?
Eventually we began to encourage an alternative approach to marriage preparation. And for all of the usual miscues in attempting a change this great, we have had unusual success in helping young people move into marriage and remain married. Since we began this approach, there have been many weddings — 160 in the last six years alone — and yet, among couples where both people were members of the fellowship and they remained in town (a high percentage of the marriages), I am not aware of a single divorce. There are some troubled marriages, but so far, these couples are staying together.
I am not suggesting we will never experience the pain of divorce; for one thing, these marriages have not yet gone the full distance. Nor am I suggesting our alternative approach to marriage preparation is solely, or even primarily, responsible. There are other factors: the comparatively high level of Christian commitment of our members and the fact that none of our leaders has been divorced, not to mention the grace of God underlying these. But the initial fruit encourages us that we have stumbled onto some important principles for creating a climate for lasting marriages.
Youth in our congregations face tough issues: How should I handle dating? What are the limits on sexual expression before marriage? How do I know when I’m ready to get married? How do I know if the person I’m attracted to is a good match?
They are getting radically different and opposing answers. It is hard to exaggerate the vast gulf between what our young people are being told by their peers and the media (which often seem to consider these questions obsolete), and what they are being told in our churches. All too often the church’s advice gets left behind.
Lasting change begins when we understand the cultural tide we — and our young people — must swim against. Here, then, are our perceptions of the current cultural line on dating, sex, and courtship, and how we have responded to them.
Dating
I heard about a high school student who was asked by some of his buddies why he wasn’t going to the prom.
“I don’t know any girls who are worth the money,” he replied, somewhat on the defensive.
They laughed and said, “But what about the sex? The sex is worth it.”
Steeling his courage, he replied, “I’m not planning on having sex until I’m married.”
His friends recommended a psychiatric evaluation.
While the bravado of young men often overstates reality, it is not uncommon for an invitation to the prom to connote an invitation to sex.
Statistics on the sexual activity of teenagers suggest this type of thinking is widespread. In a national Gallup survey in May 1981, 52 percent of the regular churchgoers ages 13-18 did not think premarital sex was wrong. In a survey of church-active Protestants in central Illinois, Steve Clapp found that 59 percent of the males 16-18 admitted having had intercourse, while 42 percent of the females admitted the same.
The role of dating in our society has changed over the past thirty years. Dating has become detached from the process of looking for a marriage partner; it is no longer primarily a courtship activity but a recreational activity. Anyone who thinks recreational dating doesn’t encourage sexual activity has lost his appreciation for the obvious. But there are other problems.
We noticed one in our early work with university students. The preoccupation with romantic relationships was threatening to turn the group into something of a soap opera. As young people paired up and split up, relationships were strained and jealousies created. The less-attractive and less-popular students often felt isolated, left out, and resentful. The whole process made young people more self-conscious: “Am I attractive?” “Why isn’t anyone asking me out?”
A third and related problem: Dating was not helping train them for married life. The strong focus on one-on-one relationships with someone of the opposite sex short-circuited kids from building a wider base of strong relationships. Relying on one person for most of one’s social and emotional needs began a pattern that often burdened the marriage relationship later.
I’ve found young people are not as resistant to acknowledging these pitfalls as one might expect. They admit the many pressures, frustrations, and temptations of the typical dating scene. Consequently, many of them have taken seriously our counsel: Until you are ready to begin seeking a spouse, don’t date. Look for opportunities to be with members of the opposite sex in group situations.
Of course, this means we have to work to do two things: teach young people about Christian relationships, beginning early, and provide them with positive group social opportunities.
Our fellowship operates a Christian school for fourth through ninth grades, and we begin there. We talk openly about an alternative approach to dating. We discourage the flirtation and pairing off so common in junior high schools.
With high school students, we work to build an environment that supports the students who have decided to forgo romantic relationships until they are ready for marriage. This isn’t easy, but through a variety of means — retreats, some small groups, even large-group activities — young people can share their struggles and get support for taking a Christian stand.
Our fellowship has long had an extensive outreach to university students, and we’ve found them the most receptive of all. High school young people, while they are the least equipped to handle dating, are the most pressured into it. By college, some of the intense peer pressure can lessen. We sponsor many group events for university students. Better still, we’ve discovered, are group service projects. When young men and women work together in Bible studies for new believers, they get to know each other without the self-consciousness of dating.
Sex in Courtship
Jim was involved in a courtship process — dating a young woman and trying to decide whether they ought to get married. As we talked about it, Jim wondered about my view on the role of sex in courtship. I told him. His face told me he considered me reactionary and prudish. He asked, “But how are we going to know whether we are sexually compatible?”
The question is not moot: What is the place of sexual activity in the courtship process?
Our youth may not agree that sexual intercourse before marriage is wrong. (According to the Clapp study, 48 percent of the Protestant church-active boys and girls between 13 and 15 years of age said sexual intercourse was OK as long as the couple were in love, even if unmarried.) But even among those who hold strongly that sex before marriage is wrong, many would draw a sharp distinction between sexual intercourse and the range of sexual interaction that stops short of intercourse.
Here I must disagree. My experience with young people convinces me the wisest, most biblically sound, and healthiest answer is simply: sexual activity of any kind is best reserved for marriage. The sexual encounter is by nature progressive: one thing is designed to lead to another. We are psychologically and biologically designed to experience a compelling sense of momentum that begins with sexually significant touch and light kissing, moves to heavy kissing and petting, and ends with intercourse.
Young people, by the way, understand this. If I’m counseling a young man in this area and sense resistance, I may ask him to consider his own experience. Has he ever been involved in prolonged kissing and noticed the onset of an erection? From a creation perspective, what purpose would God have in mind for linking an erection with such activity? I know that’s direct, even blunt, but I’ve found it helps young people accept my case for stricter standards, and often they thank me for being straightforward.
But for some reason we have a reluctance to reach the obvious conclusion. We shy away from confidently urging couples to avoid the whole range of sexual activity that precedes intercourse. But what good is gained by tacitly approving preliminary sexual contact when it so powerfully and easily leads further?
This reasoning runs contrary to the cultural currents of our society. Teaching helps, but I’ve found personal discussions with the people currently facing the issues to be most effective. Often I’ll share the experience of others.
When Jim came to me, for example, I told him about a married couple I know that had fooled around more than they had intended to before they got married. They both felt disappointed in themselves and began their sexual relationship in marriage feeling vaguely guilty. The wife had lost a measure of trust in her husband’s ability to control his sexual desire, and it made it more difficult for her to respond to him sexually. Now they wish they had drawn a clearer line and observed it.
I told him of a woman I’d talked with who had spent a few months dating a young man. As time went on, the two of them expressed more and more physical affection, up to and including a little petting. All this had a profound effect on the woman; she developed a strong emotional bond with the man. The physical affection didn’t seem to have nearly the same effect on him. When he decided they were probably not a good match, it was difficult for him to end the relationship, but it devastated her. Something had begun to form in her that was now being torn.
And since the best illustrations are positive, I tell counselees about several young couples I know who were married with no more than hand holding, walking arm in arm, and an occasional good-night kiss — and that only after they were engaged. Their sexual adjustment in marriage is better than that of many couples I know who were sexually active before marriage.
Selecting a Mate
Many young people have a romantic expectation of meeting someone who is erotically attractive and elicits a mysterious sense of compatibility. “Falling in love” hits like a powerful religious experience and is taken to be the voice of God: “This is the one for you.” Christian young people are sitting ducks for this deception.
They need compelling instruction that identifies Christian love as service love, founded on a decision, drawing from the emotions but not grounded in them. They also need wise criteria for selecting a spouse. We suggest they consider questions like the following:
— What kind of life is God calling you to live? What kind of spouse would support that?
— What kind of person would likely make a good father or mother for your children?
— What personality traits would put additional stress on your personal weaknesses?
— What are the important qualities in a spouse “for the long haul”? How do attractive appearance and an urbane sense of humor rate over time with a trait like faithfulness?
We realize we’re asking people to consider selecting a mate (and the dating process that precedes it) from a perspective entirely different from what they may be used to. So we try to provide instruction not only to young people but also to parents and the body at large so they can support them.
When people join our community, they take an extensive course in the basics of the Christian faith. During part of the course, we pay special attention to relationships and a Christian approach to sexuality, dating, marriage, and commitment. This helps our members have a common perspective on these matters.
Some parents are less sure about our counsel on dating than their kids. They remember their own dating from thirty years ago, which may have been relatively tame, and aren’t aware of the increased pressure toward sexual activity today. Or they want their kids to be accepted and fear if they don’t date extensively, they won’t be. So we address these issues in regular courses on family life and monthly forums for parents and teachers. Naturally these sessions cover a variety of topics — right now, the special demands of raising preschoolers — but encouraging teenagers to have a healthy approach to sexuality is a key concern.
Small Beginnings
The challenge to build a climate for lasting marriages can seem overwhelming, but there are small beginnings that are well within reach. Preaching in this area helps. So does an occasional class for junior high and senior high students.
But the best strategy in many situations may be to begin with a few committed people. This became clear to me one day when Rick came to see me. Rick had made a weak commitment to Christ when he was a child. Now as a university student he had come to a deeper conversion and was serious about his faith. He had recently broken up with his girlfriend because he knew their relationship wasn’t pleasing to God.
Rick told me, “I want to approach every area of my life as a disciple. I want my future relationships with women to be in the Lord.” He wanted to know how a Christian should approach dating and preparation for marriage.
Every young person in our congregations is not going to have the commitment of Rick. We soon saw, however, that special pastoral attention to the most highly motivated young men and women is time well spent. Those who have successfully adopted the approach of “taking a wife in honor” become advocates and tutors of an alternative approach to younger members.
As Zechariah prophesied, “Do not despise the day of small beginnings” (Zech. 4:10). Even if we begin to work with only a few adventurous volunteers — perhaps even one — we can be confident that small seeds bearing the character of the kingdom will flourish.
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