A common path to sexual sin is the notion that feelings are not only all-important but also totally uncontrollable; they just happen to you.
Louis McBurney
We’re all shocked when we hear a respected fellow minister has been exposed as an adulterer. We think to ourselves, Boy, what an idiot! I’ll never do a thing like that, and we mean every word of it. We’re as convinced of it as any commitment we’ve ever made.
Almost every minister I’ve counseled who found himself entangled in sexual infidelity had that same confidence. I can remember only two men who consciously set out for sexual conquest. One seriously questioned his masculinity and sought to prove himself through repeated sexual encounters. The other was sociopathic and used others impulsively for his own pleasure or profit in many ways, including sexually.
What derailed all the others, who were so sure it could never happen to them? Although they were neither deeply disturbed in their sexual identity nor sociopathic, they did neglect some important principles and crucial warning signs. By becoming more aware of these, we can avoid falling into an adulterous affair and earning our scarlet letter.
Recognizing Our Vulnerability
Men in ministry are especially vulnerable to sexual temptation because they work in what is often a female subculture, the church. Simply their presence on the job exposes them to potential romantic or sexual relationships.
In addition, our world is rapidly removing the restraints to sexual involvement. Men and women are even encouraged to “find themselves” through sexual encounters. Perhaps some women in your church flirt with that very idea. Or with you.
Another reason for increased vulnerability is the similarity between spirituality and sexuality. In both, we lower personal barriers, encourage intimacy, become open and vulnerable, and experience profoundly moving emotions. Some individuals compare their deepest spiritual moments to sexual climax. Both provide an intense response, a loss of ego boundaries, a sense of oneness with those who share the experience.
Our personality also makes us more vulnerable. As sensitive, caring, giving persons, we resemble a warm living room for the lonely and dependent. Thousands of people, single and married alike, seek closeness. Most married women name as their primary marital problem their husband’s insensitivity to their emotional needs. It makes them desperate for a companion who will talk with them and listen.
Enter the minister, the model husband. As long as they don’t consult our wives, women may see us as ideal — strong and capable, yet gentle, warm, and loving. The church even encourages us to be that sensitive person to everyone in need, which includes many lonely women, whose activity in the church masks hunger for attention and affection. Both our personal warmth and our professional calling put us in jeopardy.
From my experience, I’d identify yet another danger — the angry seductress. Some women cherish a deep, inner hatred for men and a compulsion to gain control over them. Frequently they were rejected or abused by their fathers. Often they learned in childhood and adolescence that sensuality is their most effective weapon. Consciously or unconsciously, they form a pattern of conquests while they appear to be helpless women who need a strong man to care for them.
What man of the cloth is not eager to help damsels in distress? Yet many pastors who have ridden to the rescue find themselves seduced, exposed, and expelled in short order. The “helpless damsel” sometimes even garners the love and compassion of the church. She plots her next assault while the unsuspecting minister is still trying to remove the tar and feathers. One such woman had been the hapless “victim” of sexual advances by the last three pastors in her church. All had left in disgrace, their ministries nullified.
A minister is a particularly enticing target for this kind of woman. With a man of God, she can act out her hostility toward men in general, authority figures, symbolic fathers of society, and even God the Father all at once. It gives a gratifying sense of power. She again proves the male to be weak and inadequate.
It’s also critical that we know our own particular vulnerability. Only I am aware of my individual sexual thoughts and drives. I may have frustrations with marital sex or doubts about my potency. I may find certain female physical characteristics particularly tempting. Midlife transition may raise questions about what I’ve been missing or how long I can continue to function successfully. Any of these issues may contribute to my vulnerability to an affair.
Maintaining Our Safety
Given our vocational vulnerability, how do we protect ourselves?
Primarily (if we are married), we must maintain our marriages — have a continuous romantic affair with our first love, put some of our creativity into rekindling those fires of passion. Most of those who get into trouble have allowed marriage to become dull, unsatisfying, even unfriendly.
Tell the truth: Do you look forward to being home with your wife? Does she make you feel you’re the most wonderful man in the world? Do you light up her life in a special way? Does she light up yours? Do you find yourself distracted from work at times by fantasies of your lover at home? Maybe we need to court our best girlfriend.
Without a doubt, being in love with our mates provides the best defense against a sexual affair. If we’re not there now, it may take months of inventive, energetic courting to relight that fire, but it can be done as we build on the foundation of our commitment — not on our present feelings.
The second defense: reassessing our attitudes about falling in love. A common path to sexual sin is the notion that feelings are not only all-important but also totally uncontrollable; they just happen to you. A story I hear frequently from the adulterous minister is “I had no intention of becoming involved with her, but suddenly we realized we were deeply in love.” He makes it appear he was strolling along innocently one sunny day and was suddenly caught in a thunderstorm. Once it struck, he was soaked to the skin and powerless to dry himself. In fact, it felt so good he didn’t want to dry off. He was glad he’d forgotten his umbrella.
Now, I confess, I like women. I find females exciting, fun, intriguing, nice to the senses, and often more comfortable companions than men. I suspect many of you could make the same confession. Feeling as I do, I could conceivably fall in love with a different woman every other day if I allowed my feelings free rein. But I don’t. I keep a tight rein on my feelings.
One further caution: A commonly held notion claims you can be genuinely in love with two people simultaneously. That rationalization tries to give me permission to fall in love with another woman without admitting unfaithfulness to my wife. Don’t believe it! Jesus’ words about your heart being where your treasure is apply to romantic relationships as well as the kingdom. When we begin to invest emotional energy, we store up treasure in the object of our attention. Our hearts will follow. Treasure cannot be invested equally in two people. We must not kid ourselves. We do have control over where we put our treasure. When we find ourselves contemplating doing that special something for the other woman, we must redirect that energy into our marriage relationship.
A third defense: Avoid every appearance of evil, and every opportunity. I’ve learned to exercise care about being alone with a woman. Long periods alone not only raise suspicion but can leave us vulnerable to false accusations or intense temptation. Every time my college roommate went out on a date, he would ask me to pray that he’d “have temptation to withstand.” Naturally he sought only to “develop his spiritual strength!” That’s not a recommended technique for building ministerial defenses.
One pastor told me an attractive young woman began attending his church. She was a new Christian, but he soon discovered her sordid history. She had many problems and started asking his advice. Then she requested counseling. Because of her job, she could come only in the evening after the church secretary was gone. At first he said no, but she was so persistent, in such need, and seemed so sweet, he finally gave in. Dropping his guard proved his undoing.
Alone with him in his office, she closed the door and pulled the curtains. Before he knew what was happening, she was sitting on his lap, unbuttoning her blouse, exposing her bra-less breasts. She threw her arms around his neck and confessed her burning desire for him.
Now, while you fantasize about that situation, let me tell you quickly that what followed was no dream. It was a nightmare. He did succumb, but he declared they couldn’t let it happen again. She threatened to tell all if he didn’t continue to see her. Then she began to tell all anyway — to his wife, to other church members, and finally to one of the elders. The church board ultimately confronted him and asked him to resign. His wife almost left him, but fortunately she recognized the pathology of the seductive woman and forgave her foolish husband. They had a lot of rebuilding to do, and his guilt nearly destroyed him.
We simply must avoid all appearance of evil. No matter how safe and innocent the situation may seem, it can sour in the twinkling of an eye or the popping of a button.
Blatant seduction, however, is unusual. More often we need to guard against a far more subtle pattern. The most common story of infidelity involves an attractive, committed church member who seeks counsel for marital problems. She is neither seductive nor sociopathic, but rather a thoughtful, wholesome, sensitive woman whom the minister had not particularly noticed as a stunning beauty. She is lonely and neglected by her husband, who doesn’t communicate. The pastor does listen, and she appreciates him for it. She begins to show her gratitude in many ways, particularly with her praise. That feels good, and the pastor begins to enjoy the attention and affirmation. He gradually realizes what a truly insightful person she is.
This is the critical crossroads in the relationship: it can remain professional or slide into a romantic affair. It’s a point of decision. We either set limits on time with her, guard against her romantic fantasies (and our own), work on involving her husband in counseling (perhaps referring them both to another professional), and avoid comparing her with our wives; or we may make a costly mistake.
A decidedly dangerous, yet completely conscious behavior often begins at this point. It may seem justified as an innocent, even helpful, thing to do. We might convince ourselves we are only identifying with our client and modeling openness, but it is a fatal choice. That drastic mistake is to share with her our own inner hurts and the areas of our marital disappointment. I know of no other single event that so dramatically shifts the direction of a relationship. Then I am no longer a helpful, concerned counselor; I have become a lonely man who needs her love. It’s as destructive and decisive as reaching for a zipper.
All the barriers come down, and counselor and client begin to focus on each other’s needs. Intense energy flows into the relationship. The two feel they were meant for each other — this love is so perfect it must be ordained by God (a frequent rationalization). Such feelings become so overwhelming that sexual involvement is a natural by-product. What began as an innocent professional relationship burns out of control. They are possessed.
External Danger Signs
Anywhere along this flower-strewn path to destruction we can back off and escape if we recognize the danger and understand the disastrous consequences. A quarterback approaching the line of scrimmage assesses the defensive alignment. When he senses a blitz, he may change the play to protect himself from being sacked. We also need to recognize the warning signs that indicate a blitz of the heart, and quickly call an audible. Here are a few of the indications I watch for in the other woman.
• Growing dependence. She may express this in many ways. The most common is increasing requests for my time. Ostensibly legitimate crises arise that demand my attention. She may also want me to make decisions for her or to give my approval for what she does.
• Affirmation and praise. We’re all vulnerable to being complimented. It feels especially good if we’re not getting much praise at home. One pastor told me his difficult choice to either go home to criticism or be with the other woman who understood and admired him.
• Complaints about loneliness. She may begin to confess that her loneliness seems even worse now that she knows what meaningful companionship is like. Now she escapes the hurt and pain with me. I am the only one who has ever done that for her. What a hook!
• Giving gifts. No matter how trivial the gifts may seem, they can be a serious indication of her increasing emotional investment. She is thinking about me and how to make me happy. A sense of obligation on my part may soon develop.
• Physical contact. This usually begins in innocent ways — brief nudging of bodies in a crowded room or a light touch of her hand on the arm — but it can escalate to a hug of gratitude or a “holy kiss” that communicates more than sisterly affection. A common occurrence is a woman saying, “You’ve helped me so much, Pastor. Can I just give you a hug to show my appreciation?”
This doesn’t apply to physical contact with every female in my life. Many innocent hugs show warmth and caring on a purely platonic level. You know the difference as well as I. I’m very careful about touching some women, either because of signals from them or feelings of attraction within myself. Yet there are many others whom I can embrace quite safely.
• Other seductive behavior. I notice how a woman dresses, whether she wears perfume, makes subtle suggestions or jokes about my irresistibility as a man, sends messages about her availability when her husband is away, or increasingly talks about sexuality in the counseling sessions. She may begin to report dreams about us together in romantic situations.
I have learned to spot these red flags for my own safety.
Internal Dangers Signs
These same signs, as well as others, may also lurk within me. Using the quarterback illustration, it’s as though I realize my running backs occupy the wrong position for the play I’ve called. I may need to call time-out to get the team rearranged so I don’t make a costly mistake.
Here are some inner signals I monitor:
• Thinking about her. At first I may explain this as my professional interest in her problems, but the focus slowly shifts from her problems to her person. This is not necessarily sexual. More likely it involves her personality traits and behavior patterns. Pleasant feelings build around the positive new relationship. It’s only natural to enjoy them and begin to reflect on the experience.
• Comparing her to my wife. The other woman always looks better than a wife. She is new, different, and usually seen at her best. She is well groomed, exudes positive vibes, and isn’t demanding. She laughs at my jokes; she thinks I’m fascinating. Suddenly a wife’s faults begin to look bigger. I eventually tell my wife she should be more like Mrs. Jones in some way or another.
• Finding excuses to be with her. This will probably be in group situations at first. Usually many opportunities occur to see her in the church context. It’s amazing what a truly significant part of the ministry the youth fellowship clean-up committee can suddenly become.
• Beginning to have sexual fantasies about her. These may occur while working in the office or while looking at her during a worship service. They are likely to progress to masturbatory images or even intrude upon marital lovemaking.
• Scheming ways to be alone. Arranging to be at group events is one thing, but inventing ways to be alone is quite another. Invariably this calls for some degree of deception. It starts by lying to one’s wife and secretary. The lying multiplies, and manufacturing alibis becomes frequent. There follows an increasing irritability toward your wife’s demands for attention or her expressions of suspicion. Isn’t it interesting that I could resent my wife’s legitimate claim to my affection? It is as though she has become an intruder into my private life.
Wives are, in fact, one of our most important protective screens. They are often much more sensitive to other females threatening their territory. We may be oblivious to some of the early nonverbal signs, or they may just be flattering enough that we don’t want them to stop. If we learn to listen to our wives, they may save us from becoming too involved in a potentially destructive relationship.
• Wanting to share my marital problems with the client. “My wife hasn’t been sensitive to my needs, either. She isn’t a good partner sexually. She doesn’t understand me as a person or show me the respect I deserve.” The more I complain about my mate, the more unhappy I will feel about my marriage, and the more appealing the other woman appears. To complicate matters, that other woman probably does care about me and must struggle to keep her nurturing instincts separated from her romantic attraction. It is a losing situation.
Settle for an “F”
The problem of adultery is as difficult as the dangers are real. Why else would so many seriously committed ministers fall into it? The vulnerability of our position on the one hand and the powerful effect of feelings on the other set us up.
Only by staying alert to the possibility of trouble, keeping our marriage vital and growing, and watching for the danger signs can we be sure to survive. We can do it. We do have a choice.
For once in our lives, let’s not strive for an “A” — at least not the scarlet variety. Let’s settle for a true-blue “F” — for faithful.
Copyright © 1989 Christianity Today
