If you wish to leave much wealth to your children, leave them in God’s care. Do not leave them riches, but virtue and skill. For if they learn to expect riches, they will not mind anything besides, and their abundant riches shall give them the means of screening the wickedness of their ways.
John Chrysostom
What are the advantages of raising a family in a pastor’s home?
A couple of years ago, I had the chance to sit down with James Dobson, perhaps the best-known champion of the family in the contemporary Christian world, and ask him about his days as a preacher’s kid. I was curious whether his experiences in the church were positive or negative.
His reply: “Very positive. The church was the center of our social life, and I felt loved and accepted by this extended ‘family.’ That little body of believers provided an unshakable foundation of values and understanding, which I still hold firmly today. I was three years old when I voluntarily knelt and gave my heart to the Lord, and I’m still grateful for the teachings I received in those early years.”
Church life, however, has changed dramatically in the last generation. What about the differences between the family life he experienced growing up in a small church in Oklahoma and family life in the large Southern California congregation he’s involved in now? Is the small church or the large church more conducive to family life?
“Each has its own contribution to make,” Dobson replied. “Some people thrive better in a crowd, and they need the programs and specialists that can be provided only in a large church community. Adolescents, for example, are driven by this ‘urge to herd,’ and they feel more secure with large numbers of their peers.
“On the other hand, some people need the intimacy and personal touch of a small church family. In my own life, it was this sense of being known and cared for in a small church that hooked me into the fellowship. The warmth I felt there compensated for the lack of sophistication in program and personnel.”
Whether in a large or small church, pastors find that there are distinct advantages to raising a family in a ministry home. Here are some of the perks identified in the survey.
Flexible Hours
The first advantage many pastoral families mention is a flexible work schedule.
“I never missed one of my son’s soccer games,” said a pastor from Massachusetts. “The great benefit of a pastor’s schedule is that you can juggle appointments, plan to work some nights, and be free in the afternoon to watch soccer. The lawyer, the physician, and the stockbroker couldn’t be there, but I was.”
A pastor’s wife from California said, “I work four days a week outside the home. Usually I have Tuesdays off, so my husband, whose schedule is flexible, can also take Tuesdays as his day off. We spend most Tuesdays at home, although sometimes we go out to eat or play tennis. As I look back, I realize we have had our most serious talks about ourselves, our marriage, the family, and our future on those days. We have worked out more problems during those times than any other. I don’t get much ‘house’ work accomplished, but I do get a lot of ‘home’ work done.”
Spiritual Role Models
One of the survey respondents said, “Children have a model of involved church members in their parents. We constantly have people in our home whom we want our kids to know.”
A pastor’s wife elaborated on this fringe benefit: “Because my husband is a pastor, we’ve had people in our home whom our children never would have had the benefit of knowing otherwise: African pastors, missionaries to Brazil, evangelists, other preachers. Our kids have been able to talk to them, play games with them, and find out more about the world and what makes people tick.”
But there are other spiritual role models for ministry families. Joseph Stowell, prior to becoming president of Moody Bible Institute, was a pastor, the son of a pastor, and the grandson of a pastor. When I asked him about the advantages of his upbringing, he said, “One of my best memories is having great Bible teachers around our dining room table: M. R. DeHaan, Sidlow Baxter, and others. I remember one meal when Frank Logsdon, former pastor of Moody Church, leaned over to me and said, ‘God has given you a great daddy.’ That stuck with me. I felt like, My dad’s a good guy, an important person.“
Sometimes the role models weren’t those you would have expected. Chuck Smith, Jr., who also grew up in a ministry home before becoming a pastor himself, said, “My fondest memory is having godly people in our home who were so animated and enthusiastic when they talked about the Lord. Their devotion to the Lord and the ministry made me feel like this was the most important subject in life. One time my dad had been at a pastor’s conference and met four colleagues. This was kind of out of character for him, but Dad spontaneously invited them over to the house. It was stimulating to me because they weren’t sharing statistics about who had the most people in their churches; they were sharing their common commitment to Christ.” That experience was powerful enough to be remembered twenty-five years later.
Often one of the best role models is the pastor himself. Family members see, up close and personal, a person whose life is committed to ministry.
“My son gets to see me at work,” said a pastor in New Hampshire. “He gets to share some of the pressure and ethos of leadership, and he sees me interact with people in our home. And when I’m able to be vulnerable and transparent, he sees times in my life when I’m both elated and discouraged. Not all children are able to be so close to their parents’ vocations.”
Richard Strauss, who pastors in Escondido, California, experienced that from the other side as the son of prominent pastor and speaker Lehman Strauss. “I enjoyed the fact that my dad was respected. I mean, here was a man standing in the pulpit teaching the Word of God, and people were listening and writing things down, and their lives were being changed. And that was my dad! I was a retiring child, not outgoing at all. Dad was such a strong personality that he overshadowed those around him. But I didn’t resent that. I felt like some of the respect people felt for him trickled down to me. Part of my identity was being his son.”
Another pastor’s son, now grown, said, “I remember sometimes on the way home from church I would ask my dad a question that perplexed me about the Bible or the church. I remember thinking (though I never would have admitted it to my dad) that it was great to have this kind of exclusive access to him for my questions.”
Richard Strauss also remembers: “My dad had his study at home, and one day I walked past his study and heard him talking. I knew there wasn’t anybody in there. I thought, Who’s Dad talking to? So I sat down and listened. He was praying.
“I sat there for ten or fifteen minutes and listened. That was a moving experience, and after that, every once in a while if I knew he was praying, I’d sit outside his door and listen. That’s something that’s grown more meaningful now than it was at the time.”
Atmosphere
The atmosphere a family experiences in ministry can also be invigorating.
Part of this is simply a natural effect of a ministry environment. “After thirty-four years of married life and three grown children, God has given us a close family, and we didn’t really work on it being so,” said an Evangelical Free Church pastor. “It seems to be a by-product of intensely living for and serving God. All three children walk with God, love us, and love each other. I love my work as a pastor — and my family could see that and seemed to benefit from that.”
Another part of this is due to the experiences any pastor has. “In our counseling, we learn from others who have made mistakes,” said a Lutheran pastor in Iowa. “From being involved in so many other family situations, I gain insights for my own family.”
In addition, the atmosphere of the worshiping community can have a positive effect. Preacher’s-kid-turned-preacher Joe Stowell tells the story: “When my own children started coming along, I asked my dad, ‘Why do you think all three of your children went into the ministry?’
“‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘Your mother and I can’t take credit for it. We think it’s because the church in Hackensack, New Jersey, consistently prayed for you children. In prayer meetings, people would pray aloud for you by name.’
“I attribute that to the fact that my behavior drove ’em to their knees,” Joe said with a laugh. “But I do think as pastors’ kids, we may have more prayer poured into our lives than other kids.”
In addition, the surveys revealed other atmospheric elements in a ministry home that benefit a family.
“We share in the love some parishioners have for their pastor. While we’ve suffered from some of the ‘alligators’ in the church, people with ego problems, our family has greatly benefited from the love of caring people.”
“We have lots of people willing to baby-sit and be ‘grandparents’ for our kids. They give special attention to PK’S.”
“The church body provides a good moral climate.”
“We enjoy a spiritual atmosphere within the home that is lived on a practical, day-to-day basis. My children not only play ‘school,’ they also play ‘church.’ At least at this point in their lives, they appreciate the role of pastor.”
“We have plenty of exposure to books that enrich the home.”
“Because of our involvement at church, it’s easier to talk about our faith and values.”
A number of pastors’ wives identified teamwork with their husbands as one of the joys of being a pastor’s wife. Not many professions allow the entire family to share work to the degree a pastor’s family can share ministry — seeing one another working, contributing to the common cause.
These atmospheric conditions are conducive to growing a healthy family.
More Than the Material World
Finances are commonly seen as a drawback to life in ministry. But often it’s not the salary itself that causes problems; it’s the contrast with the rest of the congregation. The pastor’s salary is usually on the low side of the congregational bell curve.
This creates some unusual pressures. Despite their more modest income, the pastor’s family is expected to dress as well, give the kids as many opportunities, dine out as often, and entertain as often or more so than more affluent parishioners. There’s pressure to join in the expensive activities.
“We can manage our money to meet our needs, but we’re surrounded by affluence in which we cannot share,” one pastor said.
Pastors, by and large, seem able to handle the disparity reasonably well. It’s a greater challenge for their families. “My voluntary vow of poverty becomes my family’s involuntary vow of poverty,” says New England pastor Henry Brinton. An Alban Institute study found that half the clergy spouses polled had a major concern about finances. It appears that wives are often more concerned about finances than their husbands are.
Pastor’s wife Mary Bouma reflects on why wives may feel more pressure than pastors: “Perhaps it’s because we have more of an appreciation for nice things. Probably it’s because we’re forced to spend a lot of our time working with material things. It usually falls to us to decorate the house and keep it clean, plan the family wardrobes and keep them in repair. So it is part of our job to work with possessions, and it is often hard not to desire nicer ones, especially when people all around us have things nicer than ours.”
Children of the parsonage can also feel the pinch. Tim Stafford, who grew up the son of a Presbyterian minister, observed, “A pastor’s kids grow up surrounded by people who have slightly nicer cars and bigger houses than they do. Money to a kid, in case you’ve forgotten, conveys status. When you’re fourteen, status is virtually all there is.”
Despite the financial pressures, a significant number of survey respondents indicated the emphasis on spiritual priorities outweighed the money problems. The entire family learns quickly and clearly that there is more to life than material goods.
“Our kids see actual ministry going on all the time. And because we’re on support status in a church-planting situation, they’re learning early to trust God and to pray for our needs,” said a pastor’s wife from California.
Another pastor’s wife said, “Our children have experienced what many youngsters today miss: they learned they couldn’t have everything they wanted while growing up. This has enabled them to go without their ‘wants’ if there wasn’t enough money to provide them.”
Businessman Fred Smith was raised in a pastor’s home in the inner city of Nashville, Tennessee. He recalls the lasting impression it made on him.
“Most pastors’ families, I suspect, face squarely the constant juxtaposition of the spiritual and the material. Ours certainly did. Our home existed for the spiritual welfare of the church. I never heard business discussed, for example, until I left home at age 21. I had to gain all my business knowledge as an adult (and felt envious of the children of executives — just as those who come to Christ later in life often envied us preachers’ kids our Bible knowledge).
“And yet, the material side of life was a continual struggle. When I asked why our family didn’t eat in restaurants more often, Dad would say, ‘A minister’s family makes certain sacrifices. Eating out is not bad. But our family is centered on spiritual things, not material.’ As kids, we always knew heaven was as real to Mom and Dad as earth.”
Making the financial situation an advantage or a drawback hinges on the parents’ attitude. Again, Tim Stafford reflects: “Pastors’ kids often feel poor. Sometimes they pick up those feelings from their parents, who tend to be well-educated, ambitious, verbal people who might make more money in other jobs. Some parents, conscious of their sacrifice, mention it. Their children, who may not recall a word of the good spiritual counsel they are getting, remember the remarks about money.
“As a child, I was reasonably normal, and I felt our lack of status. But, remarkably enough, I never felt that we were truly poor.… I can remember the many times I had to get out to push the old car out of the parking space — it didn’t go into reverse, and we had no money to pay a mechanic. But I cannot remember ever feeling poor.”
The key, Stafford says, was his parents’ aggressive posture: Instead of talking about their lack, they focused on what they had. They tried to help their kids believe they were enjoying the finest things of life: books, music, camping, baseball games. “We thought we were better off than people who had to buy big cars and steaks to enjoy life.
“Giving helped, too. An early, vivid memory of mine is of my mother late one night writing out checks to various Christian organizations. ‘Tithing makes me feel so rich,’ she said to me as she looked up. ‘We have all this money to give away.'”
It was her attempt, a successful attempt, to tranform the material side of ministry from a drawback to a definite benefit.
Relocation
Like those in the military, families in ministry face the distinct possibility, even likelihood, of frequent relocation. This is often cited as a drawback to life in the ministry. As one survey respondent said, “Frequent moves make it hard to maintain close friendships.” Others pointed to the sense of rootlessness felt by children who have moved often. When they go to college and people ask where they’re from, they’re at a loss. They usually respond with the place where their parents currently live, even when that place doesn’t feel like home.
A pastor’s wife described a vivid impression: “My husband recently accepted a call that meant moving all the way across the country. Since we had been in our previous church twelve years, our twelve-year-old had never known another home. When we began to consider positions in different parts of the country, it all sounded exciting to her. She was cheerful throughout the move and settling into the new house and school.
“The first clue that things might not be as they appeared came a week later when I helped her hang her mirror. She insisted on having each piece of furniture exactly the way it had been in her previous room. When I asked why, she answered that she had read in a magazine article that this was one way to minimize the trauma of a move. I found it rather poignant that this child, who was only beginning to emerge from little girlhood, was matter-of-factly setting about to ‘minimize her trauma.'”
But while this area, like finances, may be a disadvantage in some ways, in other ways it is seen by many pastoral families as an advantage.
When moves are contemplated, pastors are able to weigh the impact upon their families. They often have some choice in the matter of location. In the Leadership survey, 77 percent of pastors said that family considerations entered into their accepting a call to a particular church. Some of the factors included being near extended family, a particular school setting, job opportunities for the pastor’s spouse, and families in the area with children approximately the ages of the pastor’s children.
Some pastoral families have sacrificed salary and the prestige of a larger congregation for other factors that would help their families.
“We left our church in the Chicago suburbs and moved to a smaller church here in New Hampshire,” said one pastor, “because I didn’t like what the suburbs were doing to our 8-and 10-year-old. We would give them $3 a week allowance. Their friends at school would get $20 a week. Their friends were into designer clothes and ‘sleep-overs’ that usually included a violent horror movie on video. They made anyone with different values feel outcast.
“Plus,” said the pastor, “I’m not a city person. All I know to do in the city is go to a museum, a mall, or a movie. Our family enjoys camping, backpacking, canoeing, swimming, skiing. Those have been the settings of our best family moments — when we’d enjoy just talking. It’s easier to do those things in our current church. Our move hasn’t solved all the problems, of course, but we’re much happier here.”
One of the advantages of the pastorate: many times it’s possible to change locations for the benefit of the family.
A Close Look at God’s Work
“My children are exposed to the reality of God’s grace in the lives of others,” said one pastor. “People share burdens and problems with us, problems they wouldn’t share with anyone else. We’re able to pray for people, counsel them, and see God work miracles in their lives.”
The task of growing spiritually is continually reinforced in a ministry home. Consider these survey responses:
“We’re challenged constantly to improve spiritually.”
“Everywhere I’ve been, my presence as the minister’s wife has caused people to think of their spiritual condition. Some have taken positive steps toward the Lord. I’ve been able to have an influence with certain people that I never would have had as a layperson.”
In addition, pastors’ families are often involved in ministry, which can offer special rewards. One pastor’s wife wrote, “Our whole family goes once a week to visit folks in the nursing home. This has multiple blessings: the kids realize the value of older adults and develop more love and respect for them, and they also experience the love that comes from ministry. We all enjoy seeing the faces in the home light up when we arrive.”
Jim and Sally Conway, who pastored for many years in Illinois, said, “We recently asked our kids, all of them now grown and living on their own, what they liked best about growing up in a pastor’s family. They all said they appreciated their ‘insider’s perspective’ — seeing mom and dad in ministry yet also being real people who got discouraged, angry, and needed forgiveness like anyone else.”
Chuck Smith, Jr., said, “One thing I took for granted that I’ve come to appreciate now that I’m a pastor is the intimacy with God and his Word that our family enjoyed. Our constant orientation was toward God. That’s where we sought our solutions; that’s how we addressed life. So when I was sick, and there was a period in my childhood when I was sick quite a bit, I just expected my grandmother to put her hand on my forehead and pray for me. I came to expect spiritual ministry as well as medical attention.
“My wife is still somewhat uncomfortable praying aloud. But for me, having grown up this way, praying extemporaneously is a natural expression. I’ve appreciated the fact that I feel at home in Scripture and in the presence of God. Part of that is due to the environment in which I was raised.”
These advantages shine brightly, and it helps to review them, especially when the corresponding disadvantages occasionally cloud our view.
Copyright ©1988 Christianity Today
