Lust is the ape that gibbers in our loins. Tame him as we will by day, he rages all the wilder in our dreams by night. Just when we think we're safe from him, he raises up his ugly head and smirks, and there's no river in the world flows cold and strong enough to strike him down. Almighty God, why dost thou deck men out with such a loathsome toy?
Frederick Buechner
In an age when some people wear the scarlet A more with the pride of conquest than the shame of disgrace, sexual sin still occasions crisis. Although practiced for centuries, adultery retains its ability to spark emergencies.
Premarital sex — fornication, to use a biblical term — casts an even wider shadow. Rare is the couple that enters marriage without prior intercourse, and an unintentional pregnancy or a broken relationship throws crisis into the picture.
Bogus sex bought through pornography or prostitution, violent sex acted out in rape, and twisted sex perversely found in sadomasochism or fetishes — to be out of control in any of these ways damages both the user and the used.
This chapter looks at the several crises caused by sexual misconduct.
A Misused Gift
In the fall 1982 issue of Leadership Journal, an anonymous pastor recounted his addiction to pornography. His crisis began one night on a trip, when he took a cab across town to see a former Miss Peach Bowl perform her exotic strip in a seedy bar. She was good at it, and he found it enticing. He began to search out movies, magazines, live acts — the gamut. He barely stopped short of hiring the body of one of the professionals.
Often he tried to stop. Such a "hobby" hardly squared with his Christian vocation. He felt dirty, lewd, sinful. It threw up a wall between him and God. It dominated his thoughts, even while preaching. He shuddered when he considered what his wife would think should she find out. Yet his will power toppled. Something that at first felt naughty and exciting became a brutal master, and even the enjoyment fled as he wanted more and more. He could cite the Bible passages that told him lust was wrong, only he couldn't stop.
Eventually after an emotionally flat moment in a live-act joint, followed by a weekend retreat in which he was the speaker but was speaking more to himself, he poured out his darkest secrets to a fellow pastor — a cherished and highly respected friend. "He listened quietly, with compassion and great sensitivity, as I recounted a few incidents, skipping over those that showed me in the worst light, and described some of my fears to him. He sat for a long time with sad eyes after I had finished speaking. We both watched our freshly refilled cups of coffee steam, then stop steaming, then grow cold. I waited for his words of advice or comfort or healing or something. I needed a priest at that moment, someone to say, 'Your sins are forgiven.'
"But my friend was no priest. He did something I never expected. His lip quivered at first, the skin on his face began twitching, and finally he started sobbing — great, huge, wretched sobs such as I had seen only at funerals.
"In a few moments, when he had recovered some semblance of self-control, I learned the truth. My friend was not sobbing for me; he was sobbing for himself. He began to tell me of his own expedition into lust. He had been where I was — five years before. Since that time, he had taken lust to its logical consequences. I will not dwell on the sordid details, but my friend had tried it all: bondage, prostitution, bisexualism, orgies."
The specter of where he might end up shocked the writer, and he began a search for answers. In the writings of François Mauriac, he found a greater reason for purity than merely not being bad. "Sins," Mauriac wrote, "are not a list of petty irritations drawn up for the sake of a jealous God. They are, rather, a description of the impediments to spiritual growth. We are the ones who suffer if we sin, by forfeiting the development of character and Christlikeness that would have resulted if we had not sinned." God, the pastor reasoned, had something more, better, to offer.
"The combination of grave fear struck in me by my pastor friend's grievous story and the glimmer of hope that a quest for purity could somehow transform the hunger I had lived with unabated for a decade prepared me to try once again to approach God in confession and in faith.… I cannot tell you why a prayer that has been prayed for ten years is answered on the 1,000th request when God has met the first 999 with silence.… [But] I prayed, hiding nothing (hide from God?), and he heard me."
There was still the matter of repentance. He told his wife and suffered with her through that aftermath. He took steps to avoid trouble spots. But the war within had subsided.
In that transformation, he found two rewards: a stunning new relationship with God that far exceeded his expectations, and a renewal of passion for his wife: "Her body, no one else's, is gradually gaining the gravitational pull that used to be scattered in the universe of sexes."
Divorced from love and giving and personalities and God's regulations, sexuality becomes an ugly, slavering master. Other obsessions bear resemblances to pornographic addiction. They, too, are displacements of the sexual energy meant to fire the love between husband and wife. Fetishes involve unusual objects of arousal. Sadomasochistic practices come from deep-seated feelings of worthlessness, guilt, and anger. Rape often has more to do with rage and inadequacy than with libido.
What to Do
People caught in the crisis of sick sex need intensive care. Their hurt and wounds have produced a perversion of one of their most basic drives. Condemnation hardly helps; they probably already hate themselves. They need comprehensive care, probably from specialists. And they need the spiritual wisdom and support of their pastor.
Crisis counseling involves several steps:
First, help the person bring to the light what has been hidden. Then the problem takes on specific dimensions and can be attacked. Denial plays a great part in continuing sexual problems; admission begins the healing process.
Because of this, the counselee needs a noncondemning listener who will help measure the dimensions of the problem. Many counselors ask questions such as: When did this start? How often do you do it? Have you ever quit for any significant length of time? What factors surrounded your return? When are you most tempted? How much of your time is taken in thought about this problem? Simply talking rationally and openly about the obsession begins the process of disarming it.
Second, tackle the immediate legal, marital, or other social consequences. A betrayed and disgusted spouse may need to be brought into the counseling. The problems of arrest or public disclosure or church discipline may need to be worked through. Counselees need a guide as they walk through these disheartening consequences.
Third, develop a preliminary plan to break the habit. The problem probably runs deep, but certain activities can be restricted immediately: trips to the kinky bar, taking certain magazines, spending time with acquaintances who share the misconduct. Structures of accountability can be set up. If the counselee binds himself to report any untoward activities to someone else, he has one more reason not to give in.
A wife, for instance, who inherits some of the bitter results of her husband's lust, certainly must be involved in the recovery. It's amazing how the very process of explaining lusts to one's wife dries up the wells of that lust. The idea is to encourage the counselee to make plans and report them.
The key at this step is the cooperation and absolute desire by the counselee to make a change. One way to increase the desire is to concentrate on what is being lost through continuing in unchecked lust, rather than in what must be given up "to be good." What finally captured the heart of the Leadership writer was the shining possibility of a greater passion for God. Nothing can replace gritty determination by the victim; no one can force a reversal of thinking or completely supervise a change of habits. But warm, encouraging support and wise suggestions from a pastor increase the probability of change.
Finally, work toward fundamental changes of attitude. Through skilled counseling, the behavioral roots of obsession can be laid bare: childhood factors, dubious self-perception, misunderstandings, past failures. Then a healthy and reconstructed ego can move toward appropriate sexuality. Most often this kind of care is beyond the limitations of a parish pastor, and most refer such cases.
But questions of sin and guilt and wholeness are precisely in the province of pastoral care. Only the Father can forgive. Only Jesus' work can cleanse. Only the Holy Spirit can empower a conscience to live in the light.
David Seamands, professor of pastoral ministry at Asbury Theological Seminary in Wilmore, Kentucky, recalls the help he gave a man in Christian leadership. "He said, 'My wife talked me into calling,'" Seamands remembers. "Bob had a letter of resignation written out and was about to deliver it to his church board, but his wife urged him to call me first. He had decided to resign because he felt completely unworthy to continue as a pastor. It seems he had been found in an unsavory place by the police. Bob was hooked on pornography, and that brought it to light. The police weren't giving him any problem, but his conscience sure was. Out of guilt, Bob had called a meeting of his board to tender his resignation.
"Bob was an outstanding young leader, and I wanted him to avert any rash decision. I told him, 'Bob, you wanted my opinion, so I'll tell you. Don't you dare do a thing like that! You have no right to do this to your people. They need you.'
"Bob shot back, 'But I have to do it. It's the only way to atone for this guilt. I'm loaded with sin.'
"I asked him how many people knew, and he said not many. I told him, 'Then I suggest keeping your mouth shut. What you need to do is work out an accountability relationship with three or four of your elders. Get yourself into good counseling, and let them hold you accountable for getting to the bottom of this problem and licking it. Don't just run away defeated.'
"Bob took me up on my advice. His elders didn't want him to resign. They loved him and appreciated his good work among them. He got the help he needed, kicked his problem, and stayed at his church. The last I heard, he was doing great."
Seamands's advice, formed in that particular situation, touched each of the four steps above.
Infidelity
Infidelity — adultery — draws many marriages to the pastor's office.
Duncan and Jenny Stewart weren't churchgoers, although Jenny had been raised in a strict Christian home on a Nova Scotia farm. Duncan came from a nominally Christian background, but in the last decade or so, weddings or funerals were all that got him into churches. His weekends were taken up with stock car racing. Still, when Jenny saw Pastor Bill Hamill's name in the paper concerning a Rotary speech, she asked her friend the bank manager about him. "What's he like? He's in Rotary with you, isn't he?"
"Oh, he's all right," the banker assured her. "He's a regular guy."
That's all Jenny needed to hear. She called him that afternoon at the church. "Reverend Hamill, do you ever talk with people about marriage problems?"
"Well, yes, I do," he replied, "but I don't really consider myself a marriage counselor. Are you having some difficulties in your marriage?" Jenny told him she was and scheduled an appointment for the following afternoon.
Things weren't good with Duncan. He knew more about water softeners than any two other technicians, but he had trouble holding down a job. While unemployed, Duncan was irritable and depressed, and Jenny was discouraged at his seeming inability to stick with a job. Jenny, a utility company assistant area manager, was obviously outdistancing him in career advancement.
Jenny and Duncan had learned to live with some of these tensions, but Jenny brought fears of another kind to Bill. "I think Duncan may be seeing another woman, and if he is, I'm not sure I can handle it."
"What makes you think that?"
"Duncan has always spent a lot of time working on stock cars, you know, as a mechanic, a pit crew member. He's always at a friend's garage with his head under the hood of some car. I mean, I wouldn't recognize him at night without a smear of grease on his face! But he'd always come home around 9:30, and we'd have a little time together before bed.
"Lately, however, he hasn't been getting home until nearly midnight, and I know the other guys aren't knocking off that late. He's also looking pretty clean and spiffy when he slips home. I'm not stupid. I think something's up."
"Have you talked with Duncan about it?" Bill asked.
"Oh, yeah. He gives me a story about dropping by the yard to check on his truck or going to see an old buddy and watching TV. I'm having a hard time buying it. He swears he's not messing around on me, but I don't trust the look in his eye."
Bill asked how she would feel if Duncan were indeed having an affair. She said she'd be shook; that's why she had come. Bill allowed her to voice her fears and told her he was glad she had come to see him. He made an appointment for a week later and encouraged her to bring Duncan. After Bill prayed for her and Duncan, Jenny left, feeling a little better.
When she arrived the following week, Jenny looked anything but relieved. "We had a big blowup last night. Duncan says he's moving out. He says he wants some breathing space or something. I don't want him to go, but he seems determined. I called him at work today, and he was planning to find an apartment this afternoon. For all I know, he'll be gone when I get back. Now what do I do?"
Bill was disappointed. He had hoped to get the two of them together to start them working on their problems. "I'm not sure what you should do," he honestly replied. "Has Duncan ever done anything like this before?"
"No, and that's what bothers me. Something is really different about him. He's distant. He seems preoccupied. He hasn't even been that interested in being close recently." At that Jenny needed a Kleenex. The competent executive was sobbing like a little girl. Bill spent the rest of the hour comforting Jenny and helping her sort her options. They set an appointment for two days later.
Jenny had her composure when she arrived, but she had a weary vacantness about her. "He's got a place to live over by the college in one of those apartments swarming with unmarried people. What's he up to?"
"I don't know, Jenny, but I wish we three could get together."
"Oh, that's right — he said to tell you he could take care of his own matters. I don't think there's a ghost of a chance I'll get him into this office now."
Without a couple to work with, Bill set out to help Jenny understand and handle what was happening in her life and to rebuild her Christian faith.
About five weeks later, Jenny brought some news to her weekly counseling session: "I got a call from Duncan's friend, Mark, last night. He told me he didn't want me to be the last one to know: Duncan is seeing some woman on his soft-water route!"
"Is Mark sure? How does he know?"
"Oh, he's sure. I guess Duncan talks about her whenever they get together to work on the car. And besides, I talked with Duncan, and he couldn't deny it. As recently as last Tuesday, he was swearing there wasn't anybody else. That jerk lied to me! As if I didn't have enough problems. You know, right now I wouldn't take him back if he came crawling on his knees. That little floozy can have him!"
Before long, Duncan lost his job again, and evidently his affair turned sour. Jenny reported that he showed up on her doorstep with his handsome grin and a bottle of Chablis, begging her to take him back. "I was torn," she confessed, "but then I told him to take his wine and drink it in his own tacky apartment. I closed the door and ran into the bedroom and cried into my pillow until he quit knocking and shouting. That was last night. Did I do the right thing, Pastor? I don't feel good about it."
"Well, you and I have agreed that restoring your marriage is the number-one priority," Bill began, "but it can't be done on cheap terms. How do you think Duncan feels now?"
"He was pathetic last night. I'm sure he thought I'd be delighted to have him back. He was shook by the time he left. But you know, it's not all that satisfying to have him hurt. I think he's probably feeling pretty low."
"Then what do you think you ought to do?"
"I ought to take him back, be the good wife. But he hurt me! Can he just waltz back in and pretend nothing happened? Doesn't he owe me something?"
Bill let the question settle for a moment. "If you're talking about an apology — a genuine, from-the-heart apology — then, yes, he certainly does. If you mean you want to extract your pound of flesh, then I'm not so sure. Remember your marriage vow? Didn't you promise to love and cherish one another?"
"Yes."
"I thought so. That love you promised is supposed to be an enduring, God-type of love — agape love. Agape love just keeps on giving — even when the giving takes everything you've got. Duncan can't just "waltz back into your life" as if he'd gone out for a loaf of bread, but you've got to give him a chance to atone for his dreadful mistakes, his sin against God and you. Love gives another chance." He let his sermon sink in for a moment. "Jenny, do you think you've got that kind of God-given love in you? This isn't going to be easy."
Jenny sat quietly for a couple of minutes, although it seemed like twenty. A slow, contemplative "I think so" finally poured out of her heart. She wanted to give it another try.
"Jenny, I think you've made a decision that's best for both of you, and I honor you for your courage. Now, let's see if we can get Duncan here to put things back together. I think we can do it." With that, Bill jumped up and gave her a quick hug. That was a first, but he wasn't sorry he'd broken his own counseling rules. Jenny left the office that day steeled for what she had to do next: allow Duncan a second chance.
He moved home the next evening. Well, he brought back his shaving kit, his clothes, a few assorted dishes and utensils, and a gallon of souring milk. That was the extent of his apartment furnishings. But more than that, he brought back a broken and contrite spirit. He'd lost his job, his fling, and, with that, his self-respect. His wife, he realized, he didn't want to lose.
The next appointment brought together three people. Jenny had rejection, bitterness, and distrust to work through. Duncan had to come to grips with guilt, self-control, self-image, and accountability. He was pleased with himself for "making the right choice and being committed to the marriage." Jenny, on the other hand, needed reassurance of his honesty and commitment. "I'm not so ready to applaud your 'wonderful gesture'," she told him in one session. "You're only doing what you should have been doing all along. What about those nights when you were flitting about with her, and I was home where I belonged, humiliated and hurting?"
In time, Jenny let go of her wounded pride. Duncan demonstrated his new fidelity by volunteering to always let her know where he was. Little tendernesses crept into their relationship. Shared words and kindnesses nourished the love they once had, and within a short time, they no longer came to Bill. Seven years later they're making a go of their marriage.
Counseling Commentary
That was a case that worked. Why? Let's look at the factors.
First, the marriage had something going for it before the shake-up. Duncan and Jenny did have a basic love and sense of commitment.
Second, Jenny hung on — despite being betrayed and humiliated. Going to Bill was a wise decision. He wasn't encouraging her to "look out for number one," or to "sue the cad's socks off." Instead, he wanted Jenny to have the personal substance to be able to give love and receive apologies should the time come. Had Jenny slammed and double-bolted the door behind Duncan, there would be no marriage today.
Third, Duncan passed his "silly season" and rededicated himself to the marriage. Surely probing what caused him to stray would be part of follow-up counseling, but for the time of crisis, his decision was what counted — an honest decision, not a cheap whitewashing.
But just when Duncan believed the worst trauma was behind them (he had come back, after all), for Jenny another trauma was beginning. Offenders often have a hard time understanding why the big deal when they return. But their spouses have had trust and self-assurance drained away and find it hard to open warm arms of acceptance.
The trick at this stage is to interpret to both sides those feelings at cross-purposes. Bill often found himself saying, "No, Duncan, the problem isn't quite over" and "Yes, Jenny, you need to reach deep to forgive."
Fourth, the full truth came out. It turned out this painful fling was Duncan's only infidelity. But had he had others, he would have had to tell Jenny.
Says Charles Shepson, "Further disclosures are extremely painful and temporarily make things worse. A new flood of hurt, anger, renewed betrayal, hopelessness, and distrust may sweep over the deeply wounded spouse. The offender feels that further disclosures may completely destroy all possibility of rebuilding trust. But the truth of the matter is that somehow full honesty is perceived, and so is dishonesty. Also, unconfessed affairs arising later prove terribly destructive and difficult to deal with. But after the initial renewed unpleasantness, true healing most often begins. With God's help it will take place."
In cases where the spouse doesn't know about the infidelity, David Seamands doesn't always advise breaking the news. "I've got to answer the question, Why tell the spouse?" he says. "Some burdens are best carried only with God. Do you tell a spouse only because you can't bear the burden yourself? What if it causes greater hurt? What if she can't bear it? If the story must be told, we pray together for the right timing and words. It's a terrible revelation to give anybody."
Fifth, the "other woman" stepped out of the picture. Duncan made a clean break with her after she dumped him, so she wasn't there to distract and destroy. Had she remained in the picture, Shepson would recommend instructing Duncan not to receive her phone calls and to forward any letters unopened.
Shepson asks for the right to read and answer such letters. In a pastoral way, he tells the woman that any further contact is not in their best interests. He writes, "His act of sending the letter to me demonstrates clearly his firm resolve before the Lord he loves to follow through on his commitment to his wife, his family, and his Lord. I'm sure you can respect him for that. It doesn't represent a rejection of you as a person, but rather a rejection of any further relationship with you." Without such a firm separation, further restoration is practically impossible.
At times when the mistress retains an unmistakable attraction to a wayward husband, David Seamands employs the power of the Lord's Supper. "When a guy tells me honestly, 'I'm hooked,' I ask him to join me for an hour-long time together. I tell him we won't counsel long — say, ten minutes. We'll spend the rest of the time in Communion together. After we talk about the problem for a while, we pray together and then take Communion. I give the sacrament time. We begin to think about Christ's body and our bodies and what we're doing with our bodies. I've seen the Lord's presence slowly but surely break the hold adultery has on the man. I'll do this almost every day for several days.
"I also assign great hymns to read and memorize. Deep emotional healing has to take place, and Communion and music touch us deeply. In sexual sin, ideas and feelings are in a shoot-out. Through the mystery of God's work through music and the sacrament, we do away with both thinking and feeling, and touch spiritual reality. I've seen God work in this way."
Sixth, Duncan and Jenny exercised patience. Rebuilding trust and even romantic love cannot be forced. Painful flashbacks are normal. Renewed sessions of hurt and distrust and wavering hope are common. By electing to report his whereabouts to Jenny, Duncan was giving her reason to trust him again. And she didn't have to demand it, which gave her reason to love him again. Jenny and Duncan met with Bill until they felt they were out of the water, and after that they continued working together to build their relationship. They understood what Shepson says: "Only weeds grow without attention."
One Thursday Duncan and Jenny invited Bill and his wife to join them in their hot tub Saturday evening. When the Hamills arrived, no one answered the front door. The Hamills rang again. No answer. So they pushed the door open and called to Duncan and Jenny. Still no answer. Figuring they must be in the hot tub already, the Hamills walked through the house to the patio. The lights were low around the pool, but the Hamills could make out two figures remarkably close together in the hot tub. Giving a cautious "Hi! We're here," the Hamills edged toward the patio.
Two panicked faces sank deeper into the hot tub and peered back. Duncan spoke immediately: "Whoa! Pastor Hamill! You startled us. Hey, uh, why — why don't you use the spare bathroom to get into your swimsuits."
Out of the corner of his eye, as he and his wife retreated into the house, Bill could swear he saw two arms hastily grab swimsuits. He chuckled all the way to the changing room.
Quickscan SEXUAL MISCONDUCT
Immediate concerns:
1.The emotional stability of victims and victimizers demands first attention. Deep pain, anger, or hurt are in play.
2.You may need to try to forestall permanent "solutions" (quick divorce, violence, rash acts) born in anger or despair.
Keep in mind:
1.Lies foster marriage dissolution. Truthfulness may hurt like an incision, but it begins the healing process.
2.Lust has its attraction. It needs to be replaced with something better rather than preached into submission. The shining possibilities of truly knowing God or deeply experiencing marital love offer hope.
Things to do or say:
1.Hear the story. Let it all come out. It's probably been bottled up a long time.
2.Stand for righteousness, but in an inviting way that makes the right more compelling than the wrong.
3.In cases of infidelity, work with the couple if possible. If not, build up the will and emotional strength of the cooperative one to make that person prepared for the hard work of reconciliation, should it be possible.
4.Insist on the whole story being told to a spouse who knows any part of the infidelity. Buried secrets have a way of returning and destroying tentative new trust.
5.Use the power of prayer, Scripture, the sacraments, and great music to reach deeper than the intellect.
6.Radiate hope for the ability to make things right. Believe in the people even when they no longer believe in themselves.
Things not to do or say:
1.Do not denounce persons, only sin.
2.Do not neglect the seemingly strong party. Outward calm often masks seething internal emotions.
3.Do not allow confidences to be broken.
4.Do not expect easy resolution. Sexuality is a slippery creature difficult to capture and tame.
For further study:
Carnes, Patrick. Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction. Irvine, Cal.: CompCare Publications, 1985.
Mylander, Charles. Running the Red Lights: Putting the Brakes on Sexual Temptation. Ventura, Cal.: Regal Books, 1986.
Petersen, J. Allan. The Myth of Greener Grass. Wheaton, Ill.: Tyndale House, 1983.
Wilson, Earl D. Sexual Sanity. Downers Grove, Ill.: InterVarsity Press, 1984.
Copyright © 1989 by Christianity Today
