The 40-Year-Old Seminarian

Steve Carell starred as The 40-Year-Old Virgin. If someone made a movie of my life this year, they could call it The 40-Year-Old Seminarian. After 23 years in public ministry, 17 of them as pastor, and 10 as the lead pastor of a megachurch, I'm stepping out of the fast-paced life of church leadership, strapping on a backpack, and going to school.

I moved my family across the continent to Vancouver, British Columbia, to attend Regent College, a graduate school of theology. At the border the Canadian crossing guard asked, "Why are you coming all this way to go to school?" Yeah, I get that a lot. Why give up the lead role in an established church? Why become a student when you're used to being the teacher?

When I shared my decision with the church, I said that I think Jesus still calls people to drop their nets and follow him. Yes, even pastors.

One member of my church asked, "How can you be sure you're hearing from God and not just having a mid-life crisis?" I gave a polished, religious-sounding answer that no one remembered. But what I wanted to say was, "Who says those two things are mutually exclusive?"

I think I am having a mid-life crisis and I am hearing from God. If the way you're living isn't healthy—isn't expanding your soul and deepening your love for God and fellow-humans—then a crisis that awakens you to your need for change is a good thing. It's a God thing. And that's my experience.

God used personal loss, disillusionment with former mentors and myself, my own mistakes as a leader, and questions about my approach to doing church to smack me in the face. God got my attention.

My counselor, a wise man named Rich Plass, looked at me and said, "Josh, you are dangerously soul weary." I knew he was right. I could keep grinding it out in ministry, but I knew that wouldn't be best for my soul, for my family, or for the church. I needed more than just a sabbatical—I needed significant retooling and recalibration. Time to stop talking and to listen. Time to relearn how to abide with Jesus. Time to unlearn professional busyness.

The unique, backwards part of my own path in ministry is that I never went to seminary. I joined a church network that didn't require it. I got on-the-job training. And I had strong enough public gifts to gloss over my lack of training. But that lack catches up with you. You feel like you're always scrambling to stay two steps ahead of those you're teaching. Instead of drawing from a deep well, you're cupping water from a puddle.

I also realized that everything I'd learned about leadership and pastoral ministry had been in one context. While I'm grateful for many aspects of that, there are things that need to be evaluated and changed. And it's hard to evaluate and change while you're leading. It's hard to step back and ask questions when you're supposed to be the guy with the answers. I came to the conclusion that to be fruitful in the next season of my life, I needed to step away from leadership and learn in a different context.

I picked Vancouver, one of the most beautiful cities in the world, in which to study (the ocean and evergreen-covered mountains will be my second classroom). I chose a transdenominational school more focused on helping Christians apply faith to all of life than to merely churning out pastors. My friend Matt who attended Regent sold me by saying, "It's a good place to discover who you are apart from what you do." That's good by me. Ultimately, I'm not doing this for a degree. I know I can get a job as a pastor. I need to learn how to be a human in relationship with God apart from all the trappings of ministry. There's no degree for that. I think they just call it wisdom.

Josh Harris, previously pastor of Covenant Life Church in Gaithersburg, Maryland, is a student at Regent College.