The Global Conversation

I did not want to post 2 comments, but this site leaves me no choice. (continued from last comment) What would be the point of bringing a child into this world if I did not have the reassurance that he/she could not be snatched out of God's hands at any time (assuming that I brought him/her up in the ways of the Lord)? Sure, my child might wander as a lost sheep for several years after leaving the nest (or even before that)-- heck, they might spend the majority of their lives playing lost sheep-- but the promise (as I believe it to be) written in Proverbs 22:6 suggests that my child will be brought back to the Lord BEFORE the end of their time on Earth. Without this promise, I would be too terrified to have children. That's why I say to people, "If you feel that there is a contradiction in the Bible, then you're not reading it with the Holy Spirit."

I loved this article. It was very well-written and contained many good points. That being said, I did not agree at all with this part: "Proverbs 22:6...are not promises from God, but general observations and maxims. (Ironically, if King Solomon did pen this proverb, as many biblical scholars believe, he himself failed to exemplify its truth..." First off, nothing exists in the Bible unless it is true, for the Spirit of God is with the writers of the Bible. If we start making assumptions that parts of the Bible are simply observations of men and not Godly FACT, then everything written in the Bible is brought into question. Secondly, we do not know how David raised up his child (we only know what he instructs Solomon to do before his death), nor we do know whether Solomon made in into Heaven despite his shortcomings. It is therefore wrong to imply that Solomon's situation contradicts what is written in Proverbs.

This article is ridiculous. We should just quit parenting altogether if it's just a matter of DNA and chance. It's simply worldly ideas coming into the church through an articulate and deceptive presentation.

This is a very well thought out article. My husband and I are praying to be blessed with children and this article is so encouraging. Very well done.

This is one of the best, authentic, practical and thought provoking article on parenting I have read in awhile. It places this parenting thing in perspective. Parents need to realize that we are not God, Savior Jesus, nor the Holy Spirit in the lives of our children, spouse, siblings, friends, etc. I loved the reminder from parents from scripture and ultimatly Father God whose children failed miserably by sin. Is that a reflection on Father God? I think not. God is good, wise, loving, sovereign. I applaud the writer for daring to blaze a trail and speak the truth in love.

This was great. The title made me a little uneasy at first and made me wonder where the article was going... but the reference to Ezekiel and the conclusion really tied it up well. Thanks!

This was an excellent article, one of the best I have read recently in Christianity Today. Being a mother of three children, it has been disappointing to read countless books and articles written from a "biblical viewpoint" that only produce more guilt or more pride, depending on how I am doing as a parent. This article points us to a God who comes to us, who never sees us as failures, and who stays faithful to us. That is the God I desire to worship, who my heart longs to serve, a God who redeems my failures and weaknesses as a woman and a mother. That is the God I long for my children to know, and I applaud Leslie Leyland Fields for having courage to point us to faith in a God of grace, rather than giving us another formula to live by as parents.

Someone, I think you miss my point, which is that many parents of today resent their parents on a blanket basis. Though not even a close analogy, the Chinese Communist Revolution took the strategy of "denouncing the parents". We must be careful to not have an "arrogant" attitude that "my parents are not good" without appreciating the good elements of their efforts.

Joe, I would hope that parents in ANY generation would not be eager to repeat their parents' mistakes. Do you suggest we simply accept the status quo? In my case, I was raised in a non-Christian home where I received a great deal of misinformation on who God is. Should I throw my hands up and not try to guide my child to the Truth? Yes, I will undoubtedly make mistakes of my own. However, I would not call my mission to be a better parent "arrogant."

I think a contributing factor to the problems faced by the parents of this generation is that they resent their own parents, thinking that their made a lot of mistakes. The parents of this generation believe they can be better parents than their own parents. This sense of "arrogance" brings a lot of pressure.

Overall a good article, but yes, it has been infected with Reformed fatalism. The purpose of all those Christian parenting books is ultimately to make money, not to make better parents. All parents can do is pray, follow God, and do their best. Since our children are imperfect humans like ourselves, sometimes the results aren't what we want or expect.

This article is so true, God bless you for giving such clear advice and info to parents about how much our god or bad parenting counts in the life of our children. My husband and I and our 14 children have been missionaries for almost 38 years. Not all of them are missionaries today, but we tried to be faithful to pass on our faith and to love them so they will also choose the Lord in their lives. As any parents we learned from all the mistakes we did in raising them; and we are still learning every single day how to do better. Not quiet yet arrived since life is a constant learning process. We still have four with us, under 15; always in the process of learning how to pass on the life of faith; but always reminding ourselves that God doesn't have grandchildren so our kids will have to find out on their own what is their destiny. It's just for us to be faithful in our parenting and let God do the rest. Parenting is a lot about being a good sample before giving a sermon then let God act

I was both glad and surprised by the Reformed position this article espoused. Kent Hughes addressed this same topic several years ago in "Liberating Ministry from the Success Syndrome." I do believe that accepting what 1 Kings 11:4 says about David's devotion to the Lord does not qualify David as a great parent. He probably exhibits the greatest dysfunctional family (and parent) in all the Bible which is one reason David's life is great preaching and teaching. What else do you think just might be "infected" by our uncritical acceptance of American values? I suspect we have converted a load of these into Christian values least of which is not our strong militarism and conservatism at all costs.

5 stars! I have beat myself up for years because at least one of my children is weak in being the spiritual leader in his home. This article has given me so much peace! Thank you! It's true in my case that a fussy child will be more likely to follow his parent's spirituality. My firstborn was the fussy one--the one that had us pulling our hair out, and now he is a pastor. The remaining three children were relatively calm children, and all of them have at some level walked away from the faith. What heartbreak! I have to keep reminding myself that God is in control.

Insightful article that explains a lot. However ... I just read Christian Smith's new book Souls in Transition, an extensive study of the spiritual lives of "emerging adults," and he says that parental faith commitment and involvement DOES tend to be a strong predictor of religious commitment in young people. True, correlation is not causation, as they say. But we need to drill down further into this "why some and not others" question. And jettison the language about kids "turning out," like a cake out of the oven.

I have a broken marriage and 3 sons in their 20s. By all human standards, and probably the usual Bible ones too, I tried but failed as a parent. I still feel this painfully at times. We married in the Lord with all the good intentions. But... my youngest was filled with the Holy Spirit 7 years ago and hasn't looked back. He's both solid and on fire. It's as if God has taken him and said 'Stand back, watch what I do in him, he's mine.' I can pray, be there for him, and most importantly keep close to Jesus myself. That's possibly all I've ever done for him that's of eternal value. He's my son, but he's my brother in Christ (and I've told him so). One down, two to go!!

Thank you for this fantastic article, it should be republished annually!! Why do churches teach that if you parent perfectly, take parenting courses and raise your children in the church then your children will turn out to be wonderful? Like Anonymous, I believed this teaching too until our lives were turned upside down by one of our children. What happened to our child was not our fault & could not be hidden. I felt I had nowhere to turn within the church, our pastor made unhelpful suggestions, most everyone else seemed to have "good" children. Apart from 2 christian people, my non-christian friends were more accepting and more supportive during those dark days than most christians I know. Another church worker meddled in our other child's dating situation without our consent. It's a wonder that we all still have faith after this. Sadly I am left feeling wary of church folk who continue to believe that parenting (or controling?) their children correctly will produce perfect fruit.

A great article that confirms my thought on this subject a couple of years ago. Nevertheless, I think the fallen human nature and sin would have a greater influence on our kids than that of genetics. What do you think?

Just when I need a word from the Lord, it is provided. Thank you for this article. I pray that it will help those that God has placed in my life to encourage as I minister to Hurting Children and their families.

Oh that I had read this article 20 years ago! Instead of being in a church that went from one "christian" parenting study to the next. The goal was to create the kind of family that would cause all of your non-Christian friends and neighbors to want what you had-a family that maybe wasn't perfect, but certainly better than most. During some challenging teenager years, I felt like a failure as a mom and as follower of Christ. I could find lots of advice on how to "fix" whatever perceived problem, very little support and encouragement in learning and trusting in the God of grace who was walking beside us through the challenges. Most of the studies (well-intentioned though they may have been) were based on christianized forms of manipulation and control. Is that a truthful, graceful, sinless way to relate to one another? Is that how God relates to us? Learning parenting skills is one thing (a good thing); spiritualizing those skills or putting "good" families on pedestals is not helpful.

Let's also quit misusing the Proverbs. They are not promises but principles. "Raising a child in its way" is a cryptic verse open to various translations and meanings. Also in the NT a husband/father with an unbelieving child could not be an elder. What do we do with that?

This is an article that is long overdue. The parenting myth depicted here is just part of a frequent pattern of teaching in the church that goes something like "6 Steps to Successful..." We the Church have absorbed the fruit of the 18th century Enlightenment, and its consequent Scientific Method, and applied it to everything from businesses to churches to parents. We need to hear more expositional teaching from the Scritpures, dwell more in the Word and live it out in dependence upon our Creator. The faith community needs to be a true community: more humble and supportive. By the way, just as we should not depend too much on B.F. Skinner and the like, let's not put too much faith in genetics either. I've seen too many "mellow" children faithfully following the Lord, and too many "difficult" children going their own way. Let's not substitute one "scientific" answer for another. And let's re-visit that verse in Proverbs, "...when a child is OLD..." and release them to God.

An intriguing article; this writer's book has been entered on my wish list. And every Christian parent's wish list should include "Gospel-Powered Parenting" by William P. Farley. Highly, highly recommended.

I am thankful that this issue is finally out in the open. We have too long inferred or directly led parents to believe that they were solely responsible for how their children turn out. Do we parents have responsibility? Of course we do. But no parent is perfect and our children have a free will. How much pain could have been avoided by simply understanding that, as in most things in life, we have a significant, but limited control of the outcome.

Thank you for a very insightful article. I live in Brasil and have 7 adopted children and two biological. My husband left (with some of the children) about 10 yrs ago.It has not been easy and some of my children are in dire circumstances (drugs, drinking, jail, teenage pregnancy) but, in all of their lives I see God"s grace at work. I have done all I can to teach them in God's way but they make their own choices...genetics is an enormous factor and yet you can never underestimate God's power to change their lives! Before I adopted my kids God had shown me Ezekiel 3 & 4 and that I was to faithfully preach the word even it they chose not to listen. I had no idea how things would turn out but God knew and prepared me through His word to be committed no matter what. He is good, faithful and awesome and we need to be obedient to what He has called us to do. It has always helped me to remember that God is a perfect parent but His children many times fall short of the mark...

Page 2 of 2 Does that mean our kids will always be perfect - no. But it does mean that we won't nag ourselves with second guessing and doubt. So - my thinking is - suck it up, and step up to the plate. And never give up, and never let go. Say you're sorry when you are wrong or you fail them. Say you love them at least twice a day. Say "No" - a lot. Talk about your own relationship to God, all the time. Read them God's word, all the time. Teach them to look at the sky, and worship God through His creation. Teach them they don't need everything they think they want. Teach them that today is passing and only what's done for Christ will last. And say you're sorry when you fail them - did I say that? Let me say it again - you aren't perfect, learn to say you're sorry.

Page 1 of 2 I find that, so often, believers are looking for excuses as to why they've failed their children. I thought that the most enlightening thought was that we have a duty to be on our knees, first, as parents. Which is so profoundly true I think we sometimes miss that fact that, if we truly are, it will show in our children. But, by no means does it stop there. Childrearing demands consistency 60 seconds a minute, 60 minutes an hour, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year till you're dead! No excuses. Don't have kids if you're not willing to fight for that child every day of the rest of your life. (continued)

you guys need to chilllllllll and dont try to make decisions for your children chillllll

A lot yearn for discernment. Focused evil needs stoped asap. Know that Lord jesus is for undestanding but not accept evil. Do best that you can.Afflicted Drugs for pains. A lot of companies want to stop righteouss laws. We should be ready. We need christian businesses, you and attornys with security. Christian non demon-constant comedy,low mart arts scenes, non voodoo films.Hip designs. gold and black and white cross designs, Yellow and gray. Non evil color schemes and comfort and christian hip hop music-pentecost. Not red and blue scared co design. State Not funded? By group?!! Thanks. Rev 12:9-torments And fools us. Choose righteouss God.Psa99:9-outiside p., col 3:11 kjv. Rom 12:2. Be careful! Surrender all!! CHRIST POWER !! CHRIST POWER!!! CHRIST POWER!!

As the parent of two adult children who have each lost a spouse (one to suicide and the other through divorce), I have grieved with them and wondered about the part they may have played in each of their losses. I see so many similarities in my parents, siblings, and other family members, that I'm convinced genetics (nature) is not the absolute determinant of our behavior, but it is a lot - perhaps MORE than nuturing. I raised them well, and they are God's.

This article was given to me from a Bible study friend. When prayer requests are asked, everyone one of us has concerns about our children and our parenting skills. This is formost on most Christian parents minds. Oh how we judge others and beat ourselves up. This article gave me Scripture based hope and peace. It also encouraged me to parent with perserverance and love. It was a balm to my hurting soul. Thank you so much for extending some relief to those of us who parent the strong willed, non-compliant child. At last I feel understanding, compassion and answers for my difficult parenting struggles. God bless you...and God bless my son!

Thank you so much for an empowering and uplifting article. God knew I needed to read this as I struggle with raising two toddlers and a being a pastor's wife to boot. My kids are a challenge and are defintely far from compliant. My prayer is that the Lord will guide me as I "train" them "the way they should go."

Thanks for an article that examines the intersection of Christian living and current scientific research. It's welcome and long overdue. I have friends who obsess over their roles as parents. Some think that if they jump on the homeschool bandwagon, for instance, or force their children to memorize verses, they will somehow protect their children's "souls" from the evils of the world and produce perfect kids. My husband was raised in a fundamentalist Christian home, and today his sister is an ardent fundamentalist -- and my husband became an atheist. Go figure. Today we're learning how much of our personalities -- even the intensity of our spiritual lives -- is connected with our brain structure and our genes. Let's remember our own limitations as parents -- and remember that God is ultimately in charge of caring for our souls.

Amen. I'm now able to say we are half way done raising our 5 daughters & 1 son. This is the truth we have seen. Raising children is the most precious job anyone can have here on earth. Also the strangest. Please read her words carefully. "Love,risk,perseverance and faith." That is what she said! In ALL human endeavors this is the utmost we can do,ever. Quite difficult, yet simple. Simple as God's grace.

See Ted, this is what I mean. You are splitting theological hairs and failing to see the forest for the trees. Main Point: God, as our father (okay, technically our creator) became upset with his rebellious children (okay, technically his creation), and what was his first, best response that he pulled from his parenting toolbox? Drown them all. Again, please think about that. Other responses?..kill children that disrespect a parent.....rip to pieces a group of children that teases his prophet.....give a fatal disease to a new born baby because the parents (David and Bathsheba) sinned. Without theological excuses, how can these actions be defended as proper ways to deal with children? If someone walked up to you on the street and said this is how to raise kids, you would think he was insane. And is god not the same yesterday, today and forever?

One thing Christian parents can and should do, OFTEN - is PRAY for your children. It may well be the most effective thing you can do. The fact that our best and most spiritually pursued parenting efforts are no guarantee of how our children will turn out, makes me ponder more and more the incredible mystery of free will. Why one child will become a Christian and its sibling will forever remain in unbelief, despite the most Christ-like efforts and motivations of the parents, is something very difficult to understand. Yet, certainly, I realize that God must (first) draw them, that ALL have the ABILITY (but not necessarily the desire) to obey the command to repent, and that God draws those He already foreknows will accept and follow his freely given, and totally unearned, gift of salvation. Free will is like the Trinity, we know it's Scriptural, but no one can adequately explain either. There is much about the Bible's teachings in which we must simply accept on faith.

Atheist: God never called everybody his 'children', but image-bearers. Bearing his image is having free will to choose for him or against him. We naturally choose against him, but he lay down his own life for us. Know the Book before you argue from it. He loves you. Ms Fields: what's this? 'We are responsible to impress his laws on [our children]…' Where's salvation by grace through faith? I like the article on the whole; but part of our problem might be the fact that we assume the little children that Jesus used as models for his Kingdom are unready for grace and must be smacked down and slammed around by the Law before they are ready for the Gospel. GOSPEL churches do this… 1st Corinthians 15:56 'The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the LAW.' Even Martin Luther, who rediscovered the Gospel, insisted little children be taught the Law, the 1o Commandments. The Law ended with Jesus' triumphant 'It is finished!'

Let me get this straight. You all are taking parenting advice from a diety who, when faced with his own rebellious children, drowned them all. Would you please think about that? And to make things worse, because he is omniscient, he knew....he knew. . .that in a few generations, they would be just as rebellious as they ever were...and he drowned all his children anyway. Perhaps a more reasonable source of parenting techniques should be sought out?

Well-meaning friends and not-so-well-meaning authority figures often give parents conflicting advice. Some tout the Love and Logic approach while others see it as Adlerian psychology cloaked in Christianese. Some preach structured parenting while others insist on attachment-based strategies. So many parents whose kids happened to turn out well seem to be self-appointed experts, no matter what method they used (God is merciful). Many frustrated parents are neither unteachable nor particularly self-centered, they're just confused. The subtle message they hear is, "If your kids aren't perfect, it's the fault of your parenting." Certainly we all have things to learn about parenting. However, my observation as an evangelical pastor is that parents of wayward children are often judged before the conversation even starts. Parents need the support of a healthy community, not just information. Unfortunately it's easier to hand people books and tapes than to get involved in their lives.

Exactly the kind of article that once again leaves you wondering...is there any answer? It is a key issue that drives many parents to question the validity of their faith. There are promises after promises in scripture, yet there are "wayward" children from virtually every union...how is this? We know we are sinful beings, but have been promised, with all our weaknesses, to get what we ask for. What Christian parent does not want their offspring to follow Christ? The upshot of this article appears to be..."Do what you can ...leave it to God...but there are no guarantees;" not too comforting!

This article is EXACTLY what I needed to read today. It has given me much hope and has alleviated the self-imposed guilt of not having things turn out exactly the way I had planned. Yes, I've made mistakes as a parent, but I have done the best I could and have strived to be what my kids needed me to be. Thankfully, God is bigger than our parenting skills, our weaknesses, our flawed personalities, and our kids' choices. God is at work even if it might not look like it to us.

I would not be so quick to relieve the guilt of parents who are guilty of poor parenting. For some reason parents think they own their kids and order them about. Kid's are God's gifts to us for awhile but they remain His. I can't tell you how many times I have offered the Parenting with Love and Logic books and DVD's to parents and they refuse. They refuse to take the time to improve their parenting skills. Too much trouble. The kid is impacting their lives. A persons normal tendency to self-centernedness is very strong. Parents refuse to let the child have their own lives or treat them with the respect that accords. No, there are no perfect parents, but if we give the kids an admirable person to follow and let them make the choice, they will follow. Be admirable before your kids. Do not order them to have certain faith or behavior. Let them see the value of your faith. Visit my blog for more: http://freesundayschoollessonplans.blogspot.com/2009/09/survey-says.html

Amen and amen! There is no formula parents can adhere to that guarantees the subsequent godliness of their children. In a fallen world all that is done is done imperfectly; even by well-meaning, committed believers.

As a Family Therapist and Minister I agree with the tone and intent of the article. May I add a couple of Points.: 1. Fallen Nature means that no family, no child and no parent is perfect. 2. Even if the parents were perfect, the kids would not be. 3. I teach parenting skills to help the parents and kids avoid as much pain as possible. 4. I do think the patterns in a family affect the behavior of chilsren in many cases. 5. The key is ora et labora. Prayer and Work but neither promise perfection.

Actually, I meant to hit 5 stars. The middle ground is the same with child-rearing as it is with everything else in life: the parent knows the child and raises the child the best they can (i.e., biblically) to the extent they can and leave the results to God. That's it. Everyone has their own story, of course, but I've seen plenty of kids turned away from the faith by pushy parents who cram everything spiritual down their child's throat. My children follow God, but I know for sure it's not because of anything I did.

How to raise loving children in an age of self aggrandizement? Definitely a difficult task.

Mixed feelings. On the one hand, it is certainly true that parenting cannot be guaranteed; some children will end up in the ditch despite everything the parents do. On the other hand, I can cite actual examples where certifiably stupid parenting (e.g. of the youngest child) has produced one monster in an otherwise well-behaved family. This article is almost an excuse to let oneself off the hook no matter what. Where's the middle ground?