I was on an early morning flight after spending the prior afternoon and evening staring at a screen of delayed flights. I was sleep deprived and a little on edge after a long time away from home.
That is no excuse for what happened next.
The plane landed, and the seat belt sign went off. The family behind me jumped up to rush down the aisle, their teenager skipping in front of me. In the Cuss family, no one skips the line. I stuck my arm into the aisle to block the rest of the family from passing, like I was Gandalf. None shall pass.
“We’re all trying to get off this plane,” I said to the family. “Let’s wait our turn!”
They had words with me that I cannot publish here and pushed past my arm in spite of my immense triceps strength. I was fuming. My seatmates were visibly upset. As I got off the plane, the flight attendant pulled me aside and told me that the teen girl was having a panic attack and that I blocked the family from helping her.
The family was not rude; they were desperate.
How did I, a former chaplain trained to notice physiological signs of stress, miss that this young lady needed help? How did I let my core value of courtesy block my capacity to see what was really going on?
It is remarkable how fragile we can be when something triggers us. Sometimes, we’re triggered when our core values get violated. More often, we get triggered when we don’t get what we think we need.
Lack of courtesy is obviously a trigger for me, but so is being misunderstood, disappointing someone, not knowing the answer when I should, and about 400 other things. Some of our triggers are legitimate, but most of them are based on false assumptions and a false sense of need, so we spend much of our time in a triggered or reactive state.
When we don’t get what we think we need, we become disconnected from ourselves, from others, and from awareness of God’s presence. After that young lady ran up the aisle, I was flooded with reactivity because my false need of courtesy was not being met.
Reactivity is generated by assumptions we make that are not true. I was operating out of assumption and unable to see reality. Rather than see that this young lady needed help getting off the plane, all I could see was This family is rudely skipping the line, I must intervene.
Jesus ran into assumptions all the time in his ministry. I am struck by his words in Luke 7:44 to Simon the Pharisee: “Do you see this woman?” Just as I couldn’t see the woman on the plane, Simon couldn’t see the woman in his house who anointed Jesus’ feet. He couldn’t properly connect to her or to the God who was in the room with him, because he was operating out of assumption. He was reactive, and when we get reactive, we take matters into our own hands. We forget the Lord.
How often is God calling us to relax into his presence so we can see what is really going on—and see people for who they really are? It is difficult to do.
I am struck that one of the most frequent commands in Scripture is “Remember the Lord.” How hard can it be to remember that God is with us?
Some people in the Bible completely miss God even when he is right next to them. “Surely the Lord is in this place, and I was not aware of it,” says Jacob after a surprising and intense encounter with God (Gen. 28:16).
Later, in the New Testament, we have Cleopas and his unnamed companion walking toward Emmaus on what would become known as Easter Sunday. They are literally walking right alongside Jesus, but Luke records that “they were kept from recognizing him” (Luke 24:15–16). Some explain their lack of recognition as divine orchestration. I’ll add another interpretation: They were reactive and didn’t know it. It is nearly impossible to notice God’s presence when you are filled with reactivity.
When we are reactive, we no longer feel safe to be ourselves. We protect ourselves from outside threats. After I preach a sermon, I tend to feel vulnerable, and like a golden retriever, I crave a pat on the head. It is quite pitiful, but is a real challenge for many preachers. If someone comes up after a sermon with criticism, I will say or do whatever the person wants in order to get past the situation.
This isn’t always about being quiet. Sometimes we flatter or don’t fully share our thoughts with someone. In those moments of self-protection, I don’t see God as my refuge and strength; I see myself in that role.
Whether we move toward self-righteousness or self-protection, the common denominator is self. This is what Jacob and Cleopas and every follower of God has in common: We get caught up in ourselves, we get triggered, and we forget the Lord.
How might you relax into the Lord’s presence? It isn’t difficult, but it takes intentionality. Here are some ways you can not only notice but also diffuse your reactivity and be aware of God’s presence:
Open your calendar and look for the next meeting that is likely to generate reactivity in you. Edit your calendar title and add, in all caps, “GOD WITH ME, GOD AHEAD OF ME, GOD WITH US” to it. Set your calendar event to remind you within an hour of the event. When the alarm prompts you, pause, pray, and remember the Lord.
Later, as you enter the room to meet the person, remember that God is already in the room ahead of you. God is also with that difficult person. This simple prayer of awareness has done wonders for my reactivity. I use it before I walk out to preach, when I start a staff meeting, and when I find myself trying to worry my way to peace.
You can also get clear on what is yours to carry, what is God’s, and what is someone else’s. Sometimes we get reactive because we overfunction. We carry more than God asks of us. A proper self-examination can put to order the reactivity and confront me when I try to do God’s job.
Just as God did not need me to be the courtesy police on that flight home, you also might be carrying a burden that God is inviting you to entrust to him—or at least you might need to be reminded that you are his colaborer. It isn’t all on you.
Steve Cuss is the host of CT’s podcast also called Being Human.
This article appeared in the September/October 2024 issue of Christianity Today as "We Can't Worry Our Way to Peace".
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