5 Pastoral Pet Peeves

I have a lot of church experience. I was a pastor’s kid, a youth pastor for 13 years, and senior pastor now for 17 years. Over that time I’ve developed some pet peeves. I assume lousy haircuts may be a hair stylist’s pet peeve, and plumbers seem to avoid belts. But what bugs a pastor? Here is my top five. Drumroll please …

5. Slogans

I’m talking church marquee signs. And bumper stickers. And matching mission team t-shirts. I once saw a team in a Florida airport heading to Haiti with shirts boldly declaring, “WE HELP THE POOR.” The shirts were complete with a Haitian map so all the Haitians would know they were talking about them.

Can you imagine Jesus writing, 'I Help the Poor' in the sand? Or 'Choose the Bread of Life or You Are Toast,' or 'Prevent Truth Decay, Brush Up On Your Bible.'

Can you imagine Jesus writing, “I Help the Poor” in the sand? Or “Choose the Bread of Life or You Are Toast,” or “Prevent Truth Decay, Brush Up On Your Bible,” or “Why Pay for GPS, Jesus Gives Directions for Free.” It’s embarrassing.

And to think—we could be posting Scripture.

Or posting nothing.

And wearing normal t-shirts.

4. Blindsided Before Church

I made the jump from youth pastor to interim pastor when our senior pastor left. It was one of my first Sundays in that role. As I was walking up to the front of the church to preach, someone pulled me aside. Then they unloaded.

“I hate to bother you with this, but Buddy just said he and his family are leaving, and you know they are related to half this church. I’m not sure we will make it through this interim, certainly not with your leadership. We’re down to just two weeks' operating expenses in the bank, and it’s draining fast. And Elmer—you know, the chairman of our elders—he just came out as a past member of the KKK, and will be on TV tonight explaining the burnings. Oh, the music is starting. God bless your message today, Pastor.”

OK, I don’t remember what they said, I just remember trying to wrap my head back around a sermon after being blindsided on the way to preach. Now I’m ready with evasive action.

I’ve found these answers helpful. “Sorry to interrupt, but we will need to talk later. I’m getting ready to speak.” Or, “I’ve made it a policy not to talk church business on Sunday mornings. Can you call me tonight?” Or, “Does Satan use you often?”

Lighten up—I’d never say that. Out loud.

3. Spiritual Gifts Tests

I’ve had my share of birthdays. And, even at my current state of senility, I can usually recognize the gift once I tear the wrapping off. Ah, a new shirt, a new laptop, a new set of teeth.

If God gave us something, why do we need a test to figure out what it is? Did he disguise it in some cosmic game of hide and seek? It seems to me we confuse latent talent with gifts. Here is a novel idea: what if God’s spiritual gifts aren’t the same as our birth talents? What if he really does make us strong where we are weak, rather than stronger where we are already strong?

After all, didn’t a selfish scared missionary who wanted people to go to hell lead the greatest revival in history? (Would your missions committee have supported Jonah?) And didn’t an 80-year-old stuttering fugitive free a nation? (I might have let Moses lead our nursing home ministry).

2. Proverbs 29:18 Vision Statements

It seems like every book on leadership uses Proverbs 29:18, “Where there is no vision, the people perish.”

The funny thing is we always use a modern translation (NIV, ESV, or whatever), until we get to this verse. Then it is KJV every time. And only when we quote this portion of the verse. Come on, we all know better!

This verse isn’t talking about vision.

The complete verse in the New King James reads, “Where there is no revelation, the people cast off restraint; But happy is he who keeps the law.” It’s similar in the NASB, NIV, NLT, etc. English has changed meaning since the 1611 KJV. When the entire sentence is read, it’s clear this passage is about divine revelation, not what leadership books mean by "vision."

That doesn’t mean I’m peeved when people teach vision-casting and planning from other passages of Scripture, or even from other passages of Proverbs. It’s not the teaching, but knowingly messing with Scripture that bugs me. But then again, maybe we just have different visions.

1. Wanting to Be “Fed”

I love people that want to grow. But often wanting to be fed is different.

I see a red flag when someone new comes in the door and tells me, “We just weren’t being fed at that other church.”

We all know some months or years from now, they will be at some other church saying the same thing, talking about me.

The odd thing is, I hear it from people who have been believers for years. I so want to ask, “22 years you’ve been a believer, and you still want to be fed? That’s a long time to be in a high chair crying for smashed peas. What do you think is wrong with you?”

So, when I become church dictator of the world (any day now), my Five Commandments will be:

1. If you feel compelled to advertise your Christianity in neon, post Scripture not slogans.

2. Honor the worship service as a time for worship—no exceptions.

3. Find your gifts by doing ministry in the body of Christ, not by a test.

4. Don’t manipulate Scripture to fit your proposals.

5. Grow up, reproduce, and feed others. Getting spoon-fed is for babies.

Dan Cooley is pastor of Cottonwood Church in Rio Rancho, New Mexico, and author of BIZARRE Bible Stories, and BIZARRE Bible Stories 2. You can reach him at DanielCooley.com.