I'm very good at choosing vegetables. And I'm not afraid to say it.
As a kid, I went to the Green Grocer every week with my Mom. She showed me how to sniff tomatoes, squeeze avocados, and knock on butternut squash. Because she showed me how to do it, as an adult, I have confidence that the produce I buy will be good. Mom knew what she was doing. Now I do.
I wish I'd had the same kind of confidence in other parts of life. Like stepping into ministry. I gained confidence in my own ability to pick out produce by watching my Mom do it 30 years ago. But when it comes to ministry, I lack the same kind of role models.
Whose role is this, anyway?
During Bible College my ministry partnerships with my husband were fruitful, yet I was always a little unsure about what my role should be. But I really had to wrestle with some demons when I felt God was drawing me into church leadership.
The key moment in the struggle came at a big ministry conference I attended. I had been a freelance Christian writer, women's conference speaker, pastor's wife, and associate pastor for years, but now I was about to become co-lead pastor. I attended this event for leaders, hoping God would use it to prepare me for my new role. He did use it, but not in the way I had expected.
As much as I wanted to take it all in, after two days at this conference, I just couldn't be there anymore. I loved the people I was listening to and I shared their passion for mission. But none of them looked or thought or spoke like me. And it my uneasiness went beyond different personal styles. I desperately-needed role models, but what I found there were leaders all very much like each other and very unlike me. I was an introverted female artist from Australia. They were extroverted men and thoroughly American in their approach to ministry. It all made me feel like a hopeless outsider.
So I locked myself in my hotel room and cried out to God: "I have nothing! You've made a mistake!"
Clearing a path
In the years since that day, God has gently revealed to me ways that a woman, an introvert, an artist and a foreigner can do this. It's been grueling work, and often felt like clearing a path through an overgrown wilderness. I've learned it's possible to step into a role you've never seen filled by someone like yourself. But it's a personal kind of pioneering as you create your own path. It takes more time and energy than following a well-worn trail.
Some of us are fortunate enough to have had a mentor who embodied what we wanted to become. But most leaders, in some way or another will have to find for themselves a way of ministering that is true to who they are.
Scripture is filled with pioneers and unlikely leaders—people who were the wrong age, the wrong gender, had the wrong gifts, the wrong background. I think of Esther, Timothy, Moses, Joseph, David—all of whom were powerfully used by God in spite of apparent shortcomings. While I haven't yet found one person who makes me want to say, "I want to be just like them," I've cobbled together my own model, based on attributes of many different people. And as strange as it sounds, I've also learned to be my own role model. If I've never seen someone do something, I do it, once. And then I know if it can be done or not. The very first time I preached as lead pastor, my initial instinct was to present a stunning sermon to prove what a great leader I could be. But instead I felt led to simply share my own testimony, which gave me a knot in my stomach all week. But I did it. And it worked. So now I've seen it done. And even if it was done by me, it still counts as an example.
Know yourself
Pioneering my path has shown me the value of knowing myself. People who have few role models are in danger of feeling insecure and lonely. Knowing myself, through journaling, prayer, reading, and honest conversations, helps me keep perspective and avoid labeling my differences as detriments. My self-awareness is also helpful in leading my staff—several of whom are very different from me.
Knowing yourself also means confronting your darker issues. Two of mine: perfectionism and performance-anxiety. I'm not naturally an improvisational person. I don't like to experiment, especially not when others are watching. Since my role requires me to regularly practice in public, I have to face my desire to always give a polished performance. I've learned on the job before, but never with an audience of 200. Overcoming any fear, whether it's of spiders or of public failure, begins with exposure to the thing we fear. When we try it—and find we've survived!—we discover ways to be more adventurous in our leadership as well. When we allow ourselves to do something less than perfectly and discover that people still accept us, we learn grace. I've found people are more forgiving than I thought they were. I've also discovered I am more courageous and that making "mistakes" provides opportunities I ever imagined. That wouldn't have happened without a little self-reflection.
While understanding yourself is important, it's not the ultimate point. Self knowledge actually allows you to get out of the way of what God wants to do through you.
Allies and enemies
I wouldn't have made it without allies. I'm sure my friends got tired of my constant processing and venting. They saw me at my worst in private so that I could be at my best in public. Not only does pioneering mean cutting a path through wilderness; it can also mean becoming the object of scrutiny. It's tempting to get a bad attitude. I couldn't have made it through without friends who understood what I was going through and who were also willing to challenge me. Some like ministry gatherings such as 3DM, Epic Fail Pastor's Events, and the Christian Community Development Association, have provided a haven and sense of community.
But pioneers make enemies, too. While there have been many who have supported me in my journey and ministry, there have been many who have not. Without knowing me or my story, some have used Scripture against me, in private and in public. God has shown me that there's only so much attention I can give to those outside of my congregation. But he has also convicted me that I'm called to pastor even the detractors within my own congregation. They may not understand my leadership, but I'm still their leader.
Some enemies are not flesh and blood. Satan loves to play on our fears and insecurities. At my darkest times, he's taunted me: "You're not smart enough," "You're not decisive enough," "You're not cool, not confident, not good, not funny, not outspoken, not obedient enough."
In short, "You're not enough."
When I've finally recognized this is not the voice of God, it's been tempting to combat Satan's accusations with a peevish, "I am too enough!" Of course, we are enough to be loved and called by God. But we will never, alone, be enough for the challenges of ministry. So, instead of defending my enough-ness, I've discovered that my best response is Paul's: "Yes, I'm not enough. But in my weakness, God is strong!"
A pioneer will feel fear, will know inadequacy, will feel dropped in at the deep end. But a pioneer can't give up. At times, it may be necessary to stop, to take a breath, to cry out to God, to soak the bed in tears. But then we must wipe our eyes and get back to work, even if it is with shaking hands.
One step ahead
At those "shaking hands" moments, when my role feels strange or my call feels faint, I've found the necessity of staying connected to God and others. The New Testament exhorts us to "encourage one another." Scriptural encouragement is not about getting each other through bad hair days. It's keeping the faith in spite of darkness. Encouragement is essential, which is why we are commanded to do it.
We're all members, Scripture tells us, of one body. It is important to value my own part. It's also vital to remember that I'm a small part of something larger, that we're united by something bigger than us all. As we're reminded in Galatians 3:28, no gender or race is greater than the Spirit which draws us together. I believe the same could be said of personality type, background, or ministry style.
And since I know the value of such encouragement in my own ministry, I actively look for those who need it from me. I've been surprised by how often I'm sought out by others who feel they lack role models. It's strange to show someone else the way, while I'm still finding mine. But one step ahead is still ahead. And since I still feel a little shaky in my role, I'm able to be transparent and identify with their uncertainty and fears.
Perhaps the greatest blessing of not having one role model is that God has used it to remind me that he is sufficient. If I have him, I am never alone. Sometimes I've felt strong, sometimes not. Sometimes opinions of others were in my favor, sometimes not. An ongoing wrestling with God through prayer and Scripture-reading has been the best way to distinguish between destructive and constructive criticism, between my own desire and the call of God.
Through it all I've learned to bring him every conflict, every question, every heartache, to God. Along the way, I've sat beside Joseph in the jail cell, Abraham at Isaac's altar, and Jesus in Gethsemane, waiting (sometimes for years) until God brought a resolution.
Looking back, I can already see the path I'm clearing is getting longer. And who knows? Maybe I can make the path a little easier for someone coming along behind me.
Originally from Australia, Mandy Smith serves as lead pastor at University Christian Church in Cincinnati, Ohio, and is the creator of The Collect, a citywide trash-to-art project. She is also a regular presenter at Epic Fail Pastors' Events (www.epicfailevents.com). Mandy's latest book, Making a Mess and Meeting God: Unruly Ideas and Everyday Experiments for Worship is available at www.standardpub.com/makingamess
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