As l drove to the youth meeting, my mind was in a scramble. What am I going to do for my talk tonight? I wondered. I had led many meetings since becoming a volunteer youth leader, but this week I’d gotten behind and hadn’t prepared. And now nothing was coming. The closer I got, the more anxious I felt.
Inside I was tired, bone tired. Is this the way autumn leaves feel before they drop off the trees? Between a job and school and this ministry, I didn’t have time to spend with friends. And I wasn’t taking time to read the Bible, pray, or do anything to deepen my spiritual life. I was drying up. The program seemed so exciting when I first became involved, but now it had become burdensome. Where had I gone wrong? How did I so quickly lose my first feelings of euphoria? What could I do about my fatigue and the sense that I was “weary in well-doing”?
Leaders in a church face many barriers to long term involvement and effectiveness, but I’m convinced, after many years as both a lay leader and pastor, that there are three main ones: fatigue, conflict, and disillusionment. Along the way, however, I’ve also learned some practical ways to overcome them.
Fighting fatigue
My fatigue as a youth leader stemmed from a positive source: I wanted to do something worthwhile. But in my strong sense of commitment, I had neglected to do some of the following:
Ask questions. We should find out as much as we can about the role we are undertaking. How many meetings a month are expected – not only with the specific program, but also with any peripheral activities? How much flexibility is allowed if an unavoidable job or family commitment comes up? A critical question is “What resources can I draw on for help, and who will train me?” Too often as volunteers we get the “deep-water training program” – sink or swim on your own.
Consider a conditional commitment. We might ask to try on the role for size to see if we are really suited to participate long term. We need to beware the “we can’t get anyone else, so we really need you to volunteer” trap. Maybe there are some good reasons no one else would do the job.
Look for relationships. With rare exception, God does not expect us to minister alone. We need time with peers. Sharing program leadership with a friend is one good way to deepen a relationship.
Monitor priorities. We may be the persons with the gifts, experience, or possibilities for growth that God wants to use. In obedience to Christ’s nudging we can respond enthusiastically to the call for help. But we must realize that it is not the divine plan that we get so involved that we lose touch with our Source. The work of the ministry is not more important than the personal preparation we need through prayer, Scripture reading, and other spiritual disciplines.
Containing conflict
In the middle of the routine business of our church council, Jess (not his real name) began to criticize sharply Larry’s work. “You didn’t follow the stewardship plan,” he charged. “You haven’t followed through on your commitments, and you don’t have enough people following you to pull off this program.” A numbed silence settled over the council.
As a matter of fact, Larry had already helped raise 8 percent more than last year’s record stewardship campaign. Why the bitter, unfair criticism? I wondered. Is Jess jealous because Larry raised more money than he did as last year’s chairman? Did they have some falling out in their business dealings? How can such demoralizing words come from one who is normally optimistic and compassionate?
It came as no surprise when Larry resigned two weeks later – not only as the stewardship chair, but also as a member of the trustee board, which had planned to elect him as its chairman. Some time later, I met Larry for lunch to see how he was feeling since the blowout. He was more calm but still hurt and angry about the incident. “I will never, never serve on a church board or committee again!” he said. Nor did he intend to speak to Jess again unless absolutely necessary.
I went away saddened at the loss of ministry by a gifted person. Larry had not abandoned his faith, but his spiritual growth had been severely hampered by Jess’s sharp words.
To be attacked when you are trying your best is utterly demoralizing. Most of us have enough conflict in our lives that we don’t want more at church. Yet conflict is inevitable. It’s been said that wherever two or three are gathered, you’re sure to have a fight!
I’ve never found a better solution to conflict than Jesus’ advice (in Matt. 18) first to deal directly and privately with the one who offends you, then to involve others if necessary, and to keep on forgiving (seventy times seven). The problem is not that we don’t understand the Matthew 18 process but that we don’t have the courage to follow it. So instead we follow Matthew 18 in reverse! We tell a lot of people about our grievances, looking for allies. Only as a last resort do we confront directly the one who has offended us.
I can understand that. I dislike conflict, and often I try to avoid facing my antagonist. But I’ve seen that avoidance creates even worse conflicts. Only when we go directly to the person can we solve the problem.
For a while, I couldn’t figure out a conflict I seemed to be having with another man at the church. I wasn’t trying to be competitive, but I felt a sense of competition between us. I didn’t know what I was doing to create the negative response.
I told a friend about the situation, and he asked, “What does it feel like to have two young bulls butting heads? Each has strong opinions; each feels the other person doesn’t understand him.” I realized I felt misunderstood and taken advantage of. And I was afraid of the conflict and of losing my power in the situation. Gradually, as I talked with my friend over the next week, I began to see how I had been insensitive to this man.
Several days after that, I walked into the man’s office. He didn’t invite me to sit down but asked, “What do you want?”
I closed the door and said, “I need to … I need to apologize to you.”
His eyes opened wide. “What for?”
I confessed to him the things I had been doing wrong in the relationship. While our conversation didn’t ease completely the tension in the relationship, it stopped the under-the-table hostility that was moving us apart.
Dealing with disillusionment
A third reason people wear out in church work is disillusionment. We come to a committee meeting with higher expectations than we might otherwise have, because the meeting is in a church.
Sometimes I hear, “I thought the church was a pretty neat place until I got involved on this committee.” Lay people discover the pastor is human, with idiosyncrasies and irritating quirks. Pastors feel lay people, who may be highly skilled in their business or professional lives, forget everything they know when they volunteer for a church task. No one seems to know how to get things done. And everyone assumes everyone else must know how decisions get made, because they haven’t the foggiest notion.
Because there is no clear “bottom line,” no objective criterion for success, people cannot tell if they are winning or losing. So they live in the ambiguity of church committee life feeling like losers. It’s enough to make a person want to quit. I have watched too many friends in our congregation quietly wait until the end of their terms of office and then fade away, some to another church where they hope life might be less complicated and not so disillusioning.
A few understandings about the nature of the church have helped me when I’ve begun to feel disillusioned.
Each church is a voluntary association to which people come with a host of expectations. It is difficult to get things done because people come when they want to and come with differing motivations. But a common mission can keep us working together, one established not by a board or committee but by Jesus Christ. The church is commanded to “go into all the world and preach the gospel” and has been directed to “love one another” as it operates. The purpose of the church is clear: to go and to grow in love.
If I’m disillusioned, it’s sometimes because I’ve forgotten that this is our major goal. Or we’re working on something that doesn’t seem to contribute directly to it. Or not all the people in our group are yet aware of it. But keeping the mission in mind moves us forward. The church discovers its real life when it gives itself away to the world.
Second, the resources available to the church are not entirely dependent on the resources of its members. God’s Spirit has promised sufficient power to accomplish the significant work of the body of Christ. It is so easy to get discouraged and disillusioned by an apparent lack of resources to meet seemingly overwhelming needs. But if we do God’s work in God’s way, we will have God’s provisions, which will sometimes come from unexpected sources.
That means we need to stay close to our Leader and Provider. If we see every project as Christ’s work, we’ll have reason to hope when others might become discouraged and quit. And armed with a realistic understanding of human nature, we’ll be forgiving of others and ourselves if ours isn’t the super efficient group we had originally dreamed. We’ll begin to realize that how we do a task is as important as what we accomplish, and that if we do it God’s way, he’ll work with us and through us.
I met George on a men’s retreat. During a long walk with him, I learned that he was bitter over a sharp conflict he’d had with his pastor. He had seriously considered leaving the congregation and found it hard to worship or even pray. After some soul searching, he sought to learn what God could teach him through this experience.
George became convinced his disillusionment did not negate his role in Jesus’ mission. He looked for some way to offer his time and gifts to others. Despite the fact he was going through difficult times, George volunteered to meet weekly with some inmates at a federal prison sixty miles away who were interested in Bible study. George had no theological training and no experience in prison ministry. But he sensed God’s leading, which was confirmed by friends in the church.
For more than ten years, George went faithfully to that prison each week, even in bitter cold and snow, or on hot ‘ muggy days. He involved scores of people (including some ex-offenders) in the ministry.
George’s ministry resulted in not only the healing and reconciliation of hundreds of prisoners, but his own healing as well. George’s faith grew, and his leadership effectiveness far surpassed what it would have been had he remained a sullen, disillusioned victim of church conflict. When I talked with George recently, he actually thanked God for the negative experience that was used for unexpected good against amazing odds.
When I become fatigued, embroiled in conflict, or disillusioned, I think of George. Rather than wear out, I want to be like him and continue to work out my faith.
Gary W. Downing is executive minister of Colonial Church of Edina (Minnesota).
