HELPING THE FAMILY MANAGE THE MOVE

“Moving day is such fun!” I overheard our daughters tell a neighbor as we packed boxes and sorted books.

“We pack lots of food, sleeping bags and pillows, cards, games, and tapes. You’d love it,” said one daughter.

“Mom drives one car and Dad the other. We have all these neat signals for stopping,” said the other.

On they went, veterans of ministerial relocations, describing the fun of moving day. I realized what a time of merriment that monumental day (or days) had become.

Even though the actual trip is a lark, the days that follow are not as easy. Moving means uprooting ourselves from the old to become part of the new. Our family won’t feel settled just because we have placed our belongings in a new home. We’ve learned to nourish ourselves during the time fragile roots are being reestablished. Several activities help our family through the transition.

Recall family history

First of all, we recall our past-our history as a family. When we’re sorting the stuff we’ve collected since our last move, one of us inevitably comes upon the big box of family photos. “Oh, look!” someone says, and the whole family gathers around.

Together we look through stacks of photographs and relive our children’s’ first day of kindergarten, birthday parties, vacations in the mountains, and family gatherings. We stop for a while and simply enjoy what we have experienced together. Suddenly we’re no longer adrift. Our past nurtures and supports our family’s future.

Our daughters were only 6 and 8 years old when we moved from our home in Iowa. We planned one last party for their friends-the ultimate slumber party. Seventeen girls spent the night: 8-year-olds in the basement, 6-year-olds upstairs. They partied and played, ate dozens of hot dogs from a makeshift table of saw horses and two-by-fours in the driveway. The next morning they hugged one another and said good-bye.

Each time we move, the photograph of all those little girls lined up eating hot dogs comes out of the box. We study it fondly with a mixture of sadness and joy. Seeing it again somehow makes the current move a little easier.

Plan for closure

Our most recent move came when our daughters were 15 and 13. Hot dogs and a slumber party were not an adequate farewell. They needed more sensitive ways to disentangle the established roots of love, to share the grief of their parting.

We set aside a time of farewell at their final youth group meeting. It began with activities (including last will and testament) that helped the kids express their feelings about parting.

Then they ate dinner and talked about their years together and what lay ahead for each of them. Afterward they joined hands around the table and sang with Michael W. Smith’s tape, “Pray for Me”:

Love will be the tie that binds us,

to the time we leave behind us.

And I know that through it all,

the hardest part of love is letting go.

But there’s a greater love that holds us.

The song ended, and tears flowed freely. We prayed, hugged, and left arm in arm. We had celebrated our past and begun to look forward.

Family time together

During the topsy-turvy time of moving, we can get so busy canceling subscriptions and utility services, and sorting things we will take from those we won’t, that family togetherness may be neglected.

Our family sets aside an evening when we linger together at a dinner table set with candles, a pretty cloth, and our favorite dessert. That evening reminds us that we are special to one another-that we’ll be facing the changes together. In this atmosphere we find nourishment for our tender emotions.

After a move, before the children have made new friends can also be great family times. During the first weeks in a new place our family plays canasta, pinochle, and Pictionary. Together we explore our new community, browse through the malls, and go to the movies. We prepare special meals and savor them together. We enjoy one another.

I have come to treasure the closeness our family shares immediately after a move.

Anger is okay

In the weeks immediately before and after a move, tempers can get especially short. We allow each other some space for anger and loneliness. One spring as we prepared to move, my husband said, “You seem to be mad at me lately. Is something wrong?”

“Of course not!” I answered, rather too quickly.

When I gave it some thought, however, I realized I was angry. I didn’t want to leave my job, friends, and neighbors, or the sugar maples and lilac bushes I had come to love. It didn’t matter that the decision to move had been made prayerfully by both of us; I still felt angry.

That helped me understand how our children feel, helping me give our daughters freedom to express their emotions. We try to express anger in positive ways and not at one another.

Prior to our last move, the girls were pessimistic, having only seen photographs of our new church and house. We hoped that seeing things for themselves would help them feel better. No such luck.

“I hate this house. It’s ugly. It’s too small.”

“Why is it painted that awful color? The yard’s tiny.”

“Which of us has to take the small bedroom?”

As the girls vented their anger, my husband and I looked at each other and sighed. The last few weeks had been tough. How nice it would have been to hear, “It’s great! I love it. We’re going to be happy here!”

We knew it was too soon for them to be happy.

It was also too soon for them to like the church. Their first impressions were not much better than those about the house. Memories of our old home and church were too pleasant and too recent to be suddenly replaced by these strange buildings and unfamiliar people.

We resist the urge to try to persuade them everything is wonderful. Instead we say, “It hurts, doesn’t it? I miss everybody, too. It’s hard to face a new school, isn’t it?”

Every once in a while, even months after moving, a sad day comes along for one of us. When it does, we cry together. We talk about the places and people we love and how we miss them. Sharing the gnawing emptiness makes it more tolerable.

A ready supply of postage stamps helps, too. Our daughters write volumes of letters and exchange taped messages or “care packages” with friends. We also spend a few extra dollars for long-distance phone calls the first month or two after moving. A letter or a phone conversation can work wonders on a lonely day.

Anger and loneliness don’t disappear immediately, but neither do they divide our family.

Invite a friend

During our last two moves, each over 1,000 miles, we established a new tradition. We allowed our children to take a friend or two along. They stayed for two or three weeks before returning home.

It sounds like an added burden at an already difficult time, but we’ve found it worth the extra effort. Bringing their friends helps our kids bridge the old with the new. Their friends provide support and continuity at a time when nothing is familiar. It’s a tradition we will likely continue.

When the four-letter word MOVE thunders through our lives again, our anxiety level may rise. As our belongings come off the walls, out of cupboards, and into cardboard boxes, again we’ll say good-bye to friends and neighbors. Even before we leave, while still serving the same church, we can expect to feel adrift. Packing and good-byes are not fun, despite the insistence of my young daughters.

But we know we can get through the inevitable turmoil. We’ve learned to face a move together and make it a positive time for our family.

-Catherine P. Cole

St. Michael’s Episcopal Church

Orlando, Florida