Years ago I remember listening to Arthur Godfrey do a radio ad for a cure-all medicine. The ad went, “At last, hope for middle age.” Godfrey paused and said, “Hope? I’ve got hope. What I need is help.”
At times, most of us could echo Godfrey’s words. We need help. Especially in the complex situations we encounter in church life, we often need wise counsel.
There’s never any shortage of opinions, but how do we get good advice?
Here are the principles I’ve discovered.
Deciding to Seek Advice
Some time ago I had an experience that let me know, particularly in the business world, how difficult it is for some people to seek advice. I was with executives from a major oil company, discussing a troubling problem the company faced. I remembered a friend of mine had faced a similar problem, and so I called him.
Within fifteen minutes, he told me exactly what I needed to know. After I hung up the phone, one of the executives turned to me and said, “Fred, you just did something I could never do.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I couldn’t have asked for help like that,” he admitted. “My ego wouldn’t let me.”
“Getting advice is a way of life with me,” I said. “It never occurs to me not to ask for it.”
The first step in getting good advice is deciding to seek it. This, of course, is very scriptural. The Bible is full of words about how one’s strength can be multiplied with the advice of others. I especially think of the proverb that says, “In many counselors there is wisdom.”
But you must differentiate between asking for advice and asking other people to make your decisions. I will never let anybody else take the responsibility of making my decisions. I am asking their advice, not delegating the decision to them.
Figuring Out What You Need
The second step is to decide what specific help you need. The president of a company came to me the other day and said, “I’m in my early forties, and I’ve done well in my business, but now I’m thinking about changing careers. Tell me, how do you see me?”
“In relation to what?” I said. His question was so general, it was impossible to answer with any substance.
Before asking for advice, you need to do your homework, getting your questions as specific as possible. The question I test myself with is, If these questions were answered, would my problem be solved?
Then, when you’ve focused your questions, you need to know when to ask them. Timing is crucial. There’s no reason to ask how to close the barn door after the horses are out. Many people who are afraid of asking for advice tend to procrastinate.
Also, to get good advice, you’ve got to give the one you ask some lead time. The person may need to think about the answer for a while. Rarely will spur-of-the-moment advice be good advice on big decisions.
I had just completed my talk at a church and was beginning to greet the people when a man came up and asked, “My brother and I are in business together, but we’re not getting along. Should we continue our business or separate?”
He was asking a life-changing question in the midst of hi-how-are-yous. If he was serious about getting advice, his timing was poor. I told him I couldn’t give that question its due.
I didn’t want to shoot from the hip. And if he was serious, he wouldn’t have wanted any advice I could have given him in that setting. Unfortunately some people want a guru, not thoughtful advice.
Validating the Adviser
A woman came up to a pastor friend of mine and said, “I have the gift of correction.” I run from people like that. Unsolicited advice is usually criticism, not advice. This woman is just couching a critical spirit as a spiritual gift. Since good advice seldom comes unsolicited, whom do we ask?
In seeking someone for advice, one of the biggest temptations is to assume that a person who verbalizes well also analyzes well. It’s not true. Good talkers aren’t always good thinkers. When I evaluate my advisers, I ask myself several questions.
Is the person technically qualified? If I go to a doctor, I want to make sure he or she is licensed in the specialty. If I go to a lawyer, I want to see a diploma. I want evidence that the person is technically qualified.
Another question I ask is, Does this person have a good track record in handling the type of problem I’m asking about? For example, if I ask a man about an investment, I want to be sure he’s been successful in his own investments. If I ask about personal relations, I want to be sure he is not in divorce proceedings with his spouse.
Some people assume that because I’m a businessman, I fully understand international trade or leveraged buyouts. I don’t. That’s not my specialty. I can give an opinion in those areas, but it wouldn’t be good advice. Good advice is specific, informed advice.
In this day of specialization, I want to know whether the person is competent in the area I’m asking about.
Next, I have found that those who give the best advice have a personal empathy for me. So before seeking advice, I ask myself, Does this person care about me or the cause I represent? If he does, he will listen well. One way to tell if someone is being empathetic is to mention a problem. If the person asks a question that helps me express the problem more clearly, I begin to sense empathy, and I’m more likely to seek and to trust this person’s understanding of my question.
Does the adviser take his responsibility seriously? I’ve been involved on some organizations’ boards on which board members don’t do their homework. They come without thinking through the issues before the meeting. They don’t take the responsibility seriously. Not only does that lack integrity, in my opinion, but it invalidates the reliability of their advice.
On the other hand, I was working on a corporate matter with the chief loan officer of a bank, and he said, “Fred, I hope you don’t think my questions are too nit-picky. I really want to understand this thing, and you need to know I don’t plan to help the company halfway across the river. I want to be in the boat with you all the way across.”
I appreciated his sense of responsibility. I was much more likely to accept his advice because he took his charge seriously.
Then, I want to know if the person has the time to do what I’m asking him to do. I often will ask, Do you think this is going to take more time than you can commit? I realize I’m asking the person for a favor, and I want to give a graceful out if he’s too busy. If the person says, “No, I’m interested and willing to commit whatever time is required,” I am much more willing to bare my problem.
Building Your Bench Strength
One of the more important ways to make the foundation of your life secure is to build your list of advisers before you need them. I call it “building my bench strength.”
Wherever I go I meet interesting people. If I meet someone who is an expert in some area, I’ll write down and file his or her name. If I ever need to talk to somebody about that, I want to remember that person.
But not all good advice comes from outside experts. Don’t overlook the advice that can come from your own family. I’m at that wonderful time in life when my children are old enough to become my mentors and advisers.
Perhaps the first time I realized this was many years ago when I was getting ready to speak to a few thousand students at a denominational university chapel program. My oldest daughter, still in her teens, was with me. Just before my talk, she said, “Dad, I hope you’re not going to tell them the world is waiting for them.”
Well, that was basically what I had intended to say. Her comments shook me so much that I quickly altered my talk. The result was perhaps the best talk to a student body I’ve ever given.
My wife and our children have been extremely helpful advisers. I often ask their opinions on books, people, causes, and ideas. We exchange all types of information.
Besides my family, I have a few trusted friends to whom I’ll go for their intellectual, emotional, and spiritual synopsis of a given situation. I stay in close contact with these people because I want them to be current with where I am in life.
For example, I have several categories or areas in which I have one or more advisers: theology, business, investments, relations (family/social), speaking, writing, legal, tax, and humor. I include humor separately because it’s so essential to my emotional well-being.
Jack Modesett, president of Cornerstone Investments, and I feel responsible for each other’s humor quotient. The other day I sent him a humorous critique of an item he had sent me. His reply was simply a Bible reference: Psalm 50:9a. I looked it up and laughed-“I will accept no bull from your house.”
For theology, one of my mainstay advisers is Ray Stedman. For business, Harry Peckheiser, former executive vice-president of Mobil. For speaking, there are several, but I was greatly encouraged and enlightened by Oswald Hoffmann. I’ve benefited from my advisers in all these areas of my life.
When Do You Ask for Advice?
There are several situations that may suggest it’s time to seek advice. Among them:
When you face a problem you’ve seen others experience. There’s no point in learning something the hard way if someone else has already been through it. Of course, you want to be sure that the other person truly dealt with the problem. That doesn’t mean he came out of it as success personified. It means the person saw the situation through to a reasonable conclusion, and he understands the principles involved, not just the technology.
When you fear a negative pattern might be developing in your life. If you have three or four failures in a row and you don’t know why, there’s probably a poor pattern developing. A friend could advise you on how to break the pattern and get back on the right track.
Russell Newport, one of my favorite Christian singers, recently told me how he regularly seeks out his voice coach to make sure his vocal reflexes are correct. He doesn’t want careless habits to creep in.
When you’ve been on a plateau too long. Nothing is changing in your life. Everything is status quo. You may be comfortable, but you might be in a gradual deterioration.
If you feel a loss of confidence. A good adviser can probably see the bigger picture better than you.
When you have a change in personal relationships. You’re having too many confrontations, you begin to become estranged from friends, and you don’t know why. It may be time for a good conversation with a trusted adviser.
When you realize you’re rationalizing. Sometimes it’s difficult to spot our own rationalizing. For example, I asked a pastor friend whose church wasn’t doing well, “Why do you think people aren’t coming to hear you preach?”
“People will not stand sound doctrine,” he replied.
He was rationalizing his poor preaching. People were going to other churches where sound doctrine was preached. He needed somebody to help break his rationalizing. If you find yourself rationalizing, it’s good to talk it over.
When you’re ready for a candid answer. Candor is a compliment, but we’re not always ready for it. Sometimes hearing the truth is painful. Sometimes we’re not ready to act on the advice even if we know it’s true. But when you’re ready to face the issues, then you’re ready to accept good advice.
Getting the Most from Your Advisers
How do you help your advisers give you their best advice? In addition to giving them sufficient time, I follow these ground rules.
1. Let the person know what you want. Don’t ask for advice if you just want somebody to listen. Often I’ve gone to a friend and said, “Look, I need to hear what I’m thinking about. Can I use your ears to practice on?” And I’ll refine my thoughts simply by expressing them. But I’m right up front with him. I’m not looking for advice or correction; I’m just practicing my material. I want him to know he’s doing me a favor by listening.
Other times, however, I want advice. I’ll tell my advisers, “Your responsibility is to evaluate my opinions,” or “I’d like you to evaluate my situation and identify my options.” Advisers are useful in increasing options.
A physician once told me that great diagnosticians know more symptoms and so can more correctly diagnose. Similarly, experienced advisers know more options, so when we’re under the gun and fail to see alternatives, they can help us.
For example, people in grief need advisers to help them think through what they must do. Likewise, in periods of success we sometimes need someone who can point out the dangers success brings. So many young businessmen in Dallas have crashed because they couldn’t foresee the dangers in success. One of our most successful Christian organizations recently asked several “older heads” to help think through the dangers it would face in success. It was a wise move.
2. Never argue with your adviser. When you argue with advice, a contest starts. When advisers sense resistance, they’ll tend to back off. They may agree with me just to avoid conflict, and that isn’t the reason I asked their opinion.
We should examine the advice we’re given. We can ask some questions. But we should never ask in an argumentative way.
I also try not to lead the adviser-subtly tipping off what I want him to say. An adviser who is empathetic can be vulnerable to saying what you want to hear. I don’t want to be caught leading the witness.
My friend Steve Brown, pastor of Key Biscayne Presbyterian Church in Florida, a marvelous speaker, had the opportunity to do professional inspirational speaking for a large fee. He asked my advice. He could have said, “I’m sensing God’s call to do this. What do you think?” He would have been leading me to an affirmative answer.
But he asked, “Do you think a preacher should do inspirational speaking?” I suggested that inspirational speaking, in which everything rides on audience approval, and Bible teaching, which may or may not win audience approval, can conflict. He agreed and passed up the money such speaking would have brought him.
3. Don’t ask for advice just to compliment someone. Many people will ask for advice when they really mean, I’d like your support. That, of course, lacks integrity and plays the person for a sucker. If I want to make someone feel good, it’s better to compliment his tie or his suit than ask his advice.
4. Don’t be casual in asking for advice. I find it’s important in serious matters to write out my thoughts and questions rather than to verbalize them in an impromptu manner. One friend wrote me for advice, and at the end of his letter he summarized, “It’s been helpful just writing you this letter. Writing sure burns the fuzz off your ideas.”
5. Shun quick fixes. The temptation is to seek some bit of advice that will solve the problem immediately. Many creative people can come up with cute answers. But the long-term effect isn’t valuable. Quick fixes are seductive but ultimately damaging. Good advice usually points you in a direction. It demands time, a process, a commitment.
Just this week, a bright young executive called from Michigan and said, “I’m addicted to my work. I can’t let go. It has me.”
I’ve known enough workaholics that I asked a few simple questions such as, “Following an accomplishment, no matter how large, do you feel depressed?” He gave an emphatic yes. After a few more questions, I suggested he might be adrenaline addicted, a fairly common condition in high accomplishers.
I suggested a good book and a few experiments he could try, and passed on the name of two or three individuals who have come through the problem. Even though I didn’t solve his problem, he was relieved to have a start toward a solution.
Advice, I’ve discovered, is mutual. Those who learn to seek good advice will be better able to give it to others.
Perhaps you’ve heard the old saying, “It’s better to borrow advice than money. Advice you don’t have to pay back; money you do.” Yes, you can keep advice, but those who are recipients of good advice are obligated to pass on good advice when asked.
Good advice, unlike Arthur Godfrey’s tonic, can provide both hope and help.
Fred Smith is a business executive in Dallas, Texas, and a contributing editor of LEADERSHIP.
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