“One of the most frustrating things about the ministry,” a fellow pastor was telling me not long ago, “has been a certain kind of woman who seems to show up in every church I’ve served. In this church, it’s Alice.
“She’s an incredible worker. Whether serving on committees or pulling weeds, she practically lives at church. Though she’s always active, she’s not really personally close to anyone. But everyone sees her as a model of Christian service.”
I thought to myself, We should all have such “problems”! But he answered my objection before I could speak.
“The problem arises when she begins thinking her efforts give her the right to make unilateral decisions in church business or in other people’s areas of responsibility. She ends up creating more upset than she’s worth.”
The toughest part of dealing with Alice, he said, is that “everyone feels guilty for not agreeing with Alice’s opinions. One woman told me she was upset with Alice over something, but when I suggested she tell her directly, the lady couldn’t. ‘Who am I to criticize Alice when she’s done so much for the church and I’ve done so little?’ she said.”
Looking back over my years in ministry, I realize virtually all my colleagues have had an “Alice” story to tell. Her name is different from church to church, but the frustration she generates is the same. (Occasionally the problem is “Alan,” although the phenomenon is predominately among female volunteers.) She’s there regardless of denomination or theology-especially in smaller churches, where the laborers are few and hard workers gain considerable power.
Certainly the greatest danger to a church is that others come to believe you’ve got to have Alice involved in every program or it won’t succeed. The strength of the body is undermined as individuals doubt their own gifts and defer to Alice.
Ironically, Alice often complains that more people should help out around the church, but at the same time, she’s unable to see that her unceasing efforts cause others to hold back.
“I once got her to agree to back off and let others take responsibility,” one pastor said. “I told her, ‘Maybe the cookies won’t show up one Sunday at coffee hour. If that’s what it takes, fine. Let people get upset enough to get organized next time. And if after a while nobody gets that concerned, maybe we don’t need the cookies that badly after all.’ “
But before long, Alice noticed no one had signed up for coffee hour chores and came with a huge cake. That Sunday the woman in charge came with her own cake; Alice hadn’t bothered to check with her.
The effect is that the more effort Alice puts out, the less effort the congregation puts out. They’re only too willing to let somebody else take responsibility. And Alice is dependable. People even praise her for her work because they are secretly thankful they didn’t have to do it. But such relational dishonesty has its price. It’s a vicious cycle. People feel weakened and increasingly dependent upon Alice. They begin to resent her, but they’re glad she gets them off the hook.
As Alice continues doing for others, she wields great influence, especially among the neediest members such as the chronically ill and widowed. This creates tension, because to differ with Alice over even administrative details is to invite hurt and confusion among the most vulnerable members, who hold her dear. Policies and decisions should be considered on their merits, not on personal loyalties or fear of upsetting others.
It is not enough, though, for those who become aware of the situation simply to criticize Alice or gossip behind her back. It’s more helpful to recognize the brokenness this situation reveals-not just in Alice but in the church. God’s healing truth, love, and mercy are required in every case.
I try to focus prayer and action on two questions: What so compels Alice to do all this? And why do we let her do it, even as it angers us?
In conferring with other pastors about this problem, I discovered the “Alice profile” is not that of a happy individual. She knows little fulfillment in her personal life. Often at an age when her children are gone, she transfers her need to influence others from her home to her church. She often does not have a satisfying relationship with her husband, who may lack the strength to assert the limits love requires. Indeed, she may be such a diligent homemaker that he feels guilty for any thought of criticism.
She may regularly attend Bible study, but she rarely shares her innermost needs for fear of losing control as deep hurts surface. She likely prefers prayers be directed on behalf of others, whose needs are “so much greater.” If she asks for prayer, it is usually only for help to continue faithfully serving the Lord.
We can best help Alice by praying that she will be more aware of Jesus’ love. We can pray that Jesus gently will bring to the surface her inner hurts and need for acceptance and approval, that he will pour out on her his healing love, that the Lord will deliver her from a compelling need to perform works. Only then can she serve others with grace and joy.
At times, pastors I know have taken the initiative to speak to Alice, asking the Lord for an extra measure of compassion beforehand. One pastor phrased the message like this: “I’m concerned that you have become so involved in so many aspects of our church that others are not developing their own gifts in those areas. They’re becoming dependent on you instead.”
In general, it is best to avoid extensive expressions of appreciation to Alice for her church work. In some ways, those tasks divert her attention from her real needs. Giving her thanks for good deeds is like giving an alcoholic another drink. Honest, direct words spoken out of love are far more helpful in breaking the pattern. It is entirely appropriate to confess to Alice that you have used her unfairly to keep from having to do work yourself or asking others to pick up the slack.
Another pastor encouraged others aware of Alice’s problem to speak to her directly-truthfully, but with love. Other women Alice’s age who had learned the disciplines of intercession and compassion were especially helpful.
Intercessory prayer and loving confrontation may lead an Alice to drop back or drop out. But unless the congregation admits its role in creating and sustaining an Alice, another person will probably arise to fill the role. An Alice cannot continue her excessive responsibility and authority without the church’s cooperation, however grudging.
The church’s job is not to change Alice; that is Jesus’ job. The church can only speak the truth with love and refuse to continue playing its part in the larger game of “Lazy Children and Savior Mother.”
If others begin to take their proper responsibility, Alice may also leave for this reason. This is a loss to be grieved, not because the church has failed but because Alice could not see the church as the loving, healing fellowship that she herself needed desperately. It is sad when needs go unmet; it is tragic when God stands ready to fulfill but we refuse to recognize our need.
Here we begin to see where Alice’s service missed the mark of God’s intention. Christian service begins not with an awareness of our strengths and a desire to serve but rather with an awareness of our brokenness and a desire to be healed. That is why Jesus washed his disciples’ feet, insisting, “If I do not wash your feet, you will no longer be my disciple. … I have set an example for you, so that you will do just what I have done for you” (John 13:8, 15).
Ultimately, Alice, like Peter, does not want Jesus to wash her feet. Her desire to serve others is stronger than her desire to let Jesus serve her. She does not want anyone to wash her feet, because she does not want anyone to see the uncleanness there, the hurts that threaten her image as a giver. To her, brokenness disqualifies her for service; to Jesus, brokenness-like his own on the cross-is the primary qualification for service.
All this, of course, is hard for a congregation to discern, and doing so may take years. As one dare not weed a garden until all seeds have grown enough to be identified, so we must be cautious of questioning anyone’s good works at the church too quickly. In fact, the problem often is aggravated when those who are first uncomfortable with Alice overreact with a resentful edge that quickly draws others to Alice’s defense.
But “speaking the truth with love” is the key to “growing up into Christ”-whether for an Alice who needs to learn the meaning of true service or for a congregation that needs to address a member’s, and its own, weaknesses.
-Gordon Dalbey
Redondo Beach, California
94 Fall LEADERSHIP/86
Copyright © 1986 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
