America’s premier spokesman for the family is the son, grandson, and great-grandson of pastors. His voice is now heard by more people each week (on eight hundred radio stations, thirty minutes daily) than his three forebears probably addressed in their lifetimes.
But James Dobson began his career with a Ph. D. in child development from the University of Southern California, and then served on the attending staff of Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles for seventeen years. He was also associate clinical professor of pediatrics at the USC School of Medicine for fourteen years.
His commitment, however, was to families. He has written over a dozen books on family topics, and his 1978 film/video series “Focus on the Family” has been seen in countless churches. A six-part sequel called “Turn Your Heart toward Home ” is being released this month.
LEADERSHIP Senior Editors Dean Merrill and Marshall Shelley went to the Focus on the Family offices in Arcadia, California, to explore Dobson’s roots in the church and his ideas on how churches can minister to families.
As a preacher’s kid, you grew up in the church. Was that experience positive or negative for you?
I have very positive recollections. The church was the center of our social life, and I felt loved and accepted by this extended “family.” That little body of believers provided an unshakable foundation of values and understandings, which I still hold firmly today. I was three years old when I voluntarily knelt and gave my heart to the Lord, and I’m still grateful for the teachings I received in those early years.
Having experienced life in a small church, what are its advantages? Is family ministry more effective in a larger or smaller church?
Each has its own contribution to make. Some people thrive better in a crowd, and they need the programs and specialists that can be provided only in a large church community. Adolescents, for example, are driven by this “urge to herd,” and they feel more secure with larger numbers of their peers.
On the other hand, some people need the intimacy and personal touch of a small church family. In my own life, it was this sense of being known and cared for in a small church that hooked me into the fellowship. The warmth I felt there compensated for the lack of sophistication in program and personnel.
What has been the most effective family ministry you’ve seen in churches?
Perhaps I sound a bit old-fashioned, but the greatest contribution the church can make is to draw families to the person of Jesus Christ in an attitude of genuine repentance and renewal. Nothing brings husbands, wives, and children together more effectively than a face-to-face encounter with the Creator of families. In fact, it is almost impossible to stand in his holy presence without recognizing our own pettiness and resentment and selfishness with those closest to us.
When I was a child, we used to sing a folk-gospel song entitled “That Old-Time Religion.” One verse stated, “It makes you love everybody.” That’s still true.
What do you see in churches these days that makes you cheer?
I could list fifty or more useful concepts for helping families in a church setting. Here are some of the best I’ve seen in action:
1. A vigorous and mandatory premarital counseling program. The best ones provide a trained person to do at least six sessions before the wedding and two or more “check-up” sessions six months afterward.
2. Assigning couples as department heads, teachers, and other workers. The idea is to get families involved together instead of further fragmenting their time.
3. Being diligent not to overwork the more dedicated members. Families of the committed are vulnerable. The wise pastors I know keep track of how many nights per week families are expected to attend church activities.
4. Providing free baby sitting whenever the church doors are open. Many mothers desperately need relief from constant child care. Some of them may not be able to attend if child care isn’t offered.
5. One of the best forms of family outreach I’ve seen is a program called MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers). It’s an educational, recreational, artistic, and spiritual program each week for young mothers, who can be some of the most harassed people on the face of the earth. While the moms are engaged in Bible study and craft activities, the children have an interesting program elsewhere in the church. You talk about meeting real needs! Mothers love this program and will come even if they have no interest in or knowledge of the church. Then, if the program is conducted properly, they usually begin attending the Sunday services.
There’s much more to the concept, of course. (More information is available from MOPS Outreach, Inc., 2269 W. Yale, Englewood, CO 80110.)
6. Each age group has its own special needs, but certain subjects are of greatest interest to young families. Many churches are addressing these regularly by use of films, seminars, sermons, or in Sunday school classes. (For a recommended agenda, see box.)
What do families need from churches, and what must husbands and wives do on their own?
Churches can do a great deal to support families if they are tuned in to the needs of the home. That’s why I often say on the radio that listeners should not support our ministry or any other Christian program until their obligations to the local church have been met. It is the first line of defense of the family. The pastor is there when sickness occurs and heartaches abound and needs are expressed. Furthermore, the vast majority of people who come to Christ do so by the efforts of organized churches, which nurture and feed them as babes in Christ.
We need fellowship with believers, we need reinforcement from those of like mind, and we need biblical exegesis from someone trained to explain the Word. We need the church.
On the other hand, the church cannot substitute for the role of parents in the lives of their children. Boys and girls look deep into the eyes of their mothers and fathers to see if they really believe what the pastor and youth leaders are saying. Any ethical weak spot, any indecision is discerned instantly and magnified by the next generation. That’s why home Bible studies and immersion in the gospel provide the foundations of faith in children. This is a responsibility of the home.
From your perspective, how well do churches minister to the family these days? Is the report card gruesome or great?
I conducted a poll on our radio program where I asked that precise question. We received 1,440 responses, and 61 percent were decidedly positive, while 39 percent tended to be negative.
The first group of respondents focused almost without exception on the pastor himself. People said, “He teaches us about the importance of families.” “He is a family-oriented man.” “He models good fathering for the men of the church.” “He obviously loves his wife.”
There’s nothing quite so forceful as a pastor getting up in the pulpit and stating, “You won’t be able to find me on Mondays [or Saturdays, or whatever day he takes] unless there’s been an absolute emergency. I will not be here; my home phone will ring, and no one will answer it. What I’m saying to you is ‘Go thou and do likewise.’ No one should work seven days a week.”
Those who responded positively to the questionnaire also complimented their local churches for conducting programs on marriage, communication, and adolescence.
Finally, they appreciated the spirit of love expressed to their families by the entire church-not just the pastor.
What did the other 39 percent say?
Their most frequent complaint was a surprise to me: They criticized the church for fragmenting families. They regretted, for example, that children don’t worship with (or even see) their parents while at church. Even at picnics and informal activities, the children have separate activities while the adults play softball or whatever.
Most felt that families should not be together all the time, but there should be at least some common experiences to unite them spiritually in a shared understanding. I agree.
Is preaching to a transgenerational audience impossible? How do you communicate to junior highers and grandparents in the same congregation?
I believe it is possible. The key is storytelling. Children love to hear stories, and surprisingly, adults listen to them, too.
Obviously, we can’t gear the whole preaching ministry to a preschool level, but we can certainly come together occasionally for meaningful worship. Even when a message is beamed to adults, children hear and understand more than we suppose. If nothing else, they see their parents responding to the worship, the music, and the pastor. They need this experience.
In what seasons of family life is the church’s help most crucial? Are there key stages in family development when the church must act or forever lose a vital opportunity?
Adolescence is the great turning point, when those who have been raised in the church are either strengthened in their faith or lost to the world. During this difficult and risky time, beleaguered parents desperately need the church’s support. Not only are wholesome activities and biblical teaching necessary, but instruction is needed to counterbalance the unchristian experiences young people are exposed to every day.
For example, most students now encounter sex education in school that undermines (or at least fails to reinforce) basic Christian standards. Who will set the record straight, if not the church? Who will have the courage, in a day of sexual revolution, to say, “Abstinence is God’s commandment”? Who will address the social and sexual questions posed on television and offer biblical arguments and scriptural underpinnings?
My point is that the Western world has moved away from the Judeo-Christian heritage, and no one is more vulnerable to that departure than teenagers, who live on the cutting edge of culture. The family that holds to traditional understandings needs all the help it can get to preserve the faith and morality of its children. Unfortunately, many churches offer no formal sex education programs and seem to feel their ultimate objective is merely to socialize the youth.
Our purpose in the church is not just to give kids something to do on Friday night. I agree with Tony Campolo that we must give teens something worth living and dying for. When we introduce them to Christ and give them a passion to serve him, we draw them to the Lord-and from there to their families.
How much teen rebellion is natural? How much should a youth leader ignore?
We cannot keep adolescents from going through adolescence. The low self-esteem and the inner conflicts won’t be entirely eliminated, no matter what we do. The turmoil is rooted in the hormonal changes of those years. As soon as puberty becomes apparent, the personality becomes more volatile and irritable. I believe those factors are directly linked. They result from an ongoing glandular upheaval, similar to premenstrual tension or menopause or a severe midlife crisis.
No amount of church activity and counseling will eliminate that experience altogether. Nevertheless, youth pastors can help teenagers cope with their stresses during this time. They can also facilitate communication between parents and adolescents.
What can church leaders do to bring alienated teens and parents together?
There are times when even the most competent and dedicated parents are unable to relate to their own children. Their situation reminds me of the early days of our Apollo space program, when astronauts were blasted into the sky aboard small capsules. As they re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, there was a period of about fifteen minutes when the build-up of negative ions prevented ground controllers from communicating with them. We waited anxiously, wondering about the ship’s safety. Then, as you recall, Chris Craft in Houston would say, “We have re-established contact, and the astronauts are safe!”
Well, something similar often happens to parents and teens as they go through the negative ions of adolescence. During this eerie phase, a youth minister or a pastor can sometimes get through, can establish contact, and influence the spaced-out cadets. Hopefully, the time will come when parents will be able to heave a sigh of relief and say, “Thank God, they’re safe!”
What are the best things you’ve seen churches do for single-parent families?
By 1987, one-third of our population will be unmarried, with an increasing number of single-parent families represented in our churches. Those families, almost without exception, have enormous needs. Women who are working and raising children alone are often desperate for help-financial, mechanical, educational, and spiritual. Just getting through each day is a major accomplishment.
There are exceptions to this pattern, of course, but most single parents of small children are struggling for survival. If I understand biblical imperatives correctly, it is the task of intact families to extend a helping hand. The Lord has a special place in his heart for widows (including rejected husbands and wives) and fatherless children.
The churches that best serve these wounded families usually offer these kinds of assistance: Fathers invite children of divorce to recreational activities; mothers do the same for the increasing number of children being raised by single fathers; educational programs are provided; loans and gifts are offered, especially at Christmastime or when illness strikes; houses are painted and cars repaired; meals are brought over for the working mother. Perhaps most importantly, single adults are made to feel accepted and loved by the church-part of the mainstream instead of the periphery.
Pastors usually feel a vague sense of guilt whenever a family or couple in the congregation gets in trouble. Should they? Why or why not?
Ministers sometimes don’t want to talk about family issues because they feel a little guilty about their own families. On a recent “Focus on the Family” broadcast, however, Carl George made an important statement: If the entire ministry of the church rests on the back of the pastor, the church is going to fail, because there are simply too many people, too much to do, too many families. Church life has to be a shared responsibility.
Yes, the pastor plays the key role, but there must be others reaching out to hurting people. If that does not occur, any pastor will burn out; the load is too heavy. I saw it happen to my own father. At the age of thirty-nine, he had what he called a “nervous breakdown.” I watched him struggle for two years while he was unable to preach. He taught college during that time and gradually put himself back together, with the help of the Lord and an understanding wife.
If pastors should share the responsibility of ministering to families, that sometimes means adding a staff counselor. But we’ve heard of situations where that has gone awry. Why do you think that happens?
Any counseling program has to conform to the theology and ethics of the sponsoring church. It exists at the pleasure of the church and must serve its goals. Many difficulties result from a counselor’s failure to understand that limited mission. For example, a counselor in a conservative church who believes a person with a sexual problem can be helped by the use of pornographic material is headed for quick trouble.
If I were a pastor, I would initiate a counseling program when I found an individual I could have confidence in-and not a moment before. Degrees and licenses, while important, would mean less to me than integrity, wisdom, and an understanding of the church’s mission and theology.
What about smaller churches where pastors themselves must do the family counseling? What are the pitfalls to avoid?
Certain aspects of counseling can be done by any loving person. Listening and caring can be effective counseling ministries for us all. But a pastor can get in over his head quickly if he attempts to deal with more serious problems. He must have the wisdom to call for help.
When do you think the average pastor should refer?
He should not attempt to treat deeply rooted sexual problems, such as homosexuality, pedophilia, transexuality, or severe impotence. A pastor might find it interesting to engage in those kinds of cases, but he is really doing a disservice to the person who seeks his help.
He should also avoid counseling a psychotic individual or one with any severe psychopathology. Prolonged depression and neurosis, where the person is extremely maladjusted, are additional areas where most pastors should seek assistance.
But we find a lot of pastors disenchanted with referring. It seems like everybody with their shingle out as a “Christian counselor” may not necessarily be competent.
Absolutely true. One of the things I worry about most here at Focus on the Family is the referrals we provide nationwide to those who ask for our help.
We obtain the best information we can regarding counselors across the country who tell us they’re Christians. We ask them to fill out a questionnaire, so we know their basic approach and philosophy. But even that is not enough.
I don’t know of any field that requires greater wisdom, tact, judgment, and knowledge than counseling. You can have all the professional credentials hanging on the wall and still not do it well.
I empathize with pastors in this search for the right counselor for referrals. It’s a delicate task! That’s why we issue a disclaimer with our referrals. We tell people, “This is the best information we have. But we’re not endorsing everything this person does, because we don’t know that much about him or her. We’re also asking for your help. If you have a good experience or a bad experience, tell us about it. That will help us with the next person in your area who needs professional assistance.”
How does a speaker encourage family life when he knows things are stressful at home?
If you don’t have your home life in good order, you have no business teaching others how to handle theirs; on the other hand, no one is perfect at home.
You can no more be a perfect father or husband than you can be a perfect human being. You may know all the rules for good family life, all the biblical principles-and yet simple fatigue will affect your ability to implement them at certain times.
So after a sermon it is always possible for a pastor’s wife to say to her husband on the way home, “I guess you know you don’t live up to what you preached today.” That is the nature of human imperfection.
Does Shirley ever remind you that you’re talking further than you’ve walked?
She is generous to me because she loves me, but it’s not difficult for her to identify my faults. That’s why I frequently talk publicly about my shortcomings at home.
In one of my books I describe our classic “umbrella fight.” I’d come home from a trip exhausted. Shirley wanted me to clean the back yard umbrella that Saturday, while I felt entitled to watch a football game. After all, I’d been working hard and deserved a day off. But while I was out of town, she had been taking care of our children and managing the family. Now that I was home, she felt it was high time I offered her some relief. We had a three-day collision of wills over that.
I think it’s important for family specialists to reveal incidents like that. I have also tried to describe times I did not father our children properly. Chuck Swindoll is careful to admit the same kind of faults. We need to admit we’re not perfect at home. Honesty demands it.
How do people respond to that openness?
They love it. At Glen Eyrie in Colorado just a couple weeks ago, we were filming my new series, and I told about a frustrating day when I really rode the backs of my children. I said, “That day I violated everything I write about.” The audience applauded! They need to hear about times I haven’t measured up to my own standard.
What frustrates you most in family ministry?
I’m concerned about the number of families that come through our churches each year and give us a fleeting opportunity to introduce them to Jesus Christ. Typically, it’s not our theology that brings them to our door. They’re not even primarily motivated by our facilities or our program or our pastor. One thing is uppermost on their minds: Are they needed here? Can they find acceptance? Will they be included? Could this be the place where they will fit in and find friends and fellowship?
I’m convinced Americans are desperate for a sense of community. Eventually many of these lonely people search for fellowship in a church setting. But what happens when they arrive at the sanctuary? Often they encounter busy, harassed people who are focused on their own needs.
Now certainly, Christian people have been trained to be friendly to newcomers, but their response is superficial. “Sure glad you came today” will not suffice for follow-up phone calls and invitations to dinner and genuine, lasting friendships. That’s why visitors often attend services for a while, but eventually conclude “we’re not needed here” and just fade away.
I wish I could convince my fellow Christians that the most productive form of outreach is right under our noses! Passing out tracts and knocking on doors have their place in spreading the gospel. But nothing links families to Christ like linking them to the established community of faith.
That’s why Sunday is an exhausting day for Shirley and me. We work hard to reach those whom we feel need our involvement. Sometimes it’s a couple standing alone in a Sunday school class. Perhaps they’ve attended the church for five years or more, but the social awkwardness is evident on their faces. Even though we attend a friendly church, I occasionally become irritated by the lack of dedicated workers in this critical task of caring for people. It is, in my opinion, the most important family ministry a church can implement.
Why do you think people are reluctant to reach out to one another in the way you describe?
The problem involves the self-concept of established members. They don’t see themselves as part of the in-group, being needed by the out-group. They are struggling themselves to find a sense of community.
How often do we hear established members generalize about “them”-the rest of the congregation: “They never call us. They don’t seem to care whether we come to church or not. They’re snobbish to us.” What these people don’t realize is that each family in the “they” also tends to see itself as being left out. The tragedy is that commitment to Jesus Christ and to the church is lost because of these unmet needs and expectations.
Most pastors have a myriad of causes pleading for their support. Is there one family-life cause you would place above the others?
The pro-life issue is the most important cause now on the scene. I recognize my lack of objectivity on this subject, but since you asked my opinion, I’ll offer it. Someday, the killing of unborn children will be as evident as the killing of Jews by Nazis. When that day comes, the church will be judged by its record on the abortion question.
The primary reason for the controversy today is that Christians don’t know what goes on in abortion clinics, and they’ve been deceived by the rationalizations laid down by the abortion forces-“A woman has a right to her own body.” “We’re only removing a ‘product of conception,’ a blob of protoplasm.” In reality, we are killing babies, and the church must find a way to defend these innocent little ones.
You have a gift for understanding the particular needs of wives and mothers. Do you have any trade secrets to pass on to male pastors?
Women care passionately about their families. If you wish to minister to a wife and mother, take her husband to lunch, attend her daughter’s recital, visit her son in the hospital. That’s where her heart is. That’s what she cherishes most. By meeting the needs of her family, you earn her allegiance and commitment.
You’ve made some hard decisions in your career for the sake of your family. When has it been hardest to blend the cries of career and home?
My most difficult decision was to quit accepting speaking engagements, regardless of how influential or interesting the setting. I reached this decision in 1977 after I began to feel I was not at home with my family as much as I should.
I had never abandoned my wife and children, but most speaking commitments occur on weekends-prime family time. I began to agonize over the contradiction: The Lord had given me a message about the family I wanted to convey, but how could I do it without sacrificing mine?
The dilemma continued for more than a year. Finally, a day came when a decision had to be made. Auditoriums had to be scheduled for the following year, and the booking deadline has arrived. One evening, we prayed together as a family and asked the Lord to make the decision for us. Then we went to bed. Shirley and I decided to read for a while. I picked up a book, and after about twenty pages, I came across a reference to the eighteenth chapter of Exodus, where Moses is visited by his father-in-law, Jethro, who is concerned because Moses was accepting too many responsibilities. As I read the first verse, the Lord seemed to say, “This is your answer.” I continued reading as Jethro told Moses to stop counseling all day and get some help. The Living Bible quotes Jethro as saying, “If you follow this advice, and if the Lord agrees, you will be able to endure the pressures, and there will be peace and harmony in the camp.”
I met the next morning with Mac MacQuiston, my representative, and told him I would not be speaking in 1978. Unfortunately, Mac represented only three speakers and he needed each of us to keep his business solvent. I had just jerked one leg of that stool out from under him. He stared at me for a full minute, until finally I said, “For Pete’s sake, Mac, say something!”
He said, “I’m shocked. I don’t know what to say.”
“I don’t either,” I said. “All I know is that the Lord does not work on half an equation. If he is telling me to do this, he’s got something for you as well.”
As it turned out, Word Publishers video-taped one of the last remaining seminars on my schedule, and that became the “Focus on the Family” film and video series. It has since been seen by 50 million people, while I’ve stayed home. In the meantime, Mac became vice-president of Focus on the Family and later went on to other important Christian service.
At the time you made that decision, were you in a sense giving up your dream of getting the word out through all your speaking?
Yes. I had been receiving up to five hundred invitations a year, and when I canceled all that, I thought that part of my ministry was over. But in fact, I put my family first, and the Lord did the rest. What I thought was the end turned out to be the beginning.
Even our Focus on the Family radio ministry grew out of that decision, and it now reaches more people than I could have spoken to in a lifetime of travel. But most importantly, I now have the memories of my children as they walked through the teen years, which would have been lost to me otherwise.
In your case, less was more.
Absolutely. I still don’t accept speaking engagements, with the exception of three or four Focus on the Family events a year and maybe a trip to NRB [National Religious Broadcasters] or CBA [Christian Booksellers Association]. I’m still needed at home.
I must admit, however, the problem of balancing career, church, and family is a constant struggle. It is rarely possible to realign priorities once and for all. An imbalance can occur in a matter of days. The moment I relax and congratulate myself for having practiced what I preach, I tend to say yes a few times when I should have said no-and suddenly I’m overworked again.
Nevertheless, I am determined to fight the dragon of overcommitment tooth and nail, especially while our son is still home. After he leaves for college, perhaps Shirley and I will travel a bit more in this family ministry.
FAMILY BASES TO COVER
Churches interested in providing support for young families will want to teach on the following strategic topics.
In the area of Christian parenthood:
1. Biblical principles of disciplining children
2. Self-responsibility for children
3. Parenting the adolescent
4. Controlling television in the home
5. Building self-esteem in children
6. Sex education
In the area of preserving marriage:
1. Husband and wife roles, as prescribed by the Bible
2. Help for the homemaker
3. Christian attitudes toward marital sex
4. Establishing meaningful family devotions
5. The biblical concept of romantic love
6. Christian attitudes toward in-laws and relatives
Emotions in the Christian life:
1. Interpreting guilt
2. The role of impressions in interpreting the will of God
3. Learning to depend on God in time of stress
4. Anger: right and wrong ways of ventilating
5. Christian perspectives on trouble (Why do Christians suffer? Does God always answer prayer for healing? etc.)
6. The difference between pride (which God despises) and self-esteem (which he endorses)
7. Dealing with low self-esteem as a Christian adult
Financial pressures:
1. Biblical principles for family financial management
2. Tithing and stewardship within the family
3. The dangers of materialism
Other family topics:
1. Serving Christ in an un-Christian business or profession
2. Identifying spiritual gifts
3. Winning neighbors to Christ
4. Attitudes toward aging and the elderly
-James Dobson
Copyright © 1986 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
