For the past 25 years of marriage, my wife Becky and I often repeat powerful words we remember from a couples retreat: “My mate is not my enemy.”
In reality, my mate is my friend. My best friend. My greatest cheerleader. Trustworthy companion. Co-sojourner. Listening ear. Friendly smile. Comforter. Healer. Oh, the list could go on. So why do I need to remember that she’s not my enemy? A prompt needed too frequently, I admit.
Whenever my comments progress from cute to cutting, I’m reminded that my mate is not my enemy. On occasions where I look for someone to blame and my accusing gaze falls on the person closest to me, I’m reminded that my mate is not my enemy. And when a large dent appears in the car door that nobody tells me about until after the rust starts and now it’s a big deal because I didn’t find out about it right after it happened and this will be either hard or expensive to fix, I’m reminded that my mate is not my enemy.
Clearly, I receive reminders often; it’s good we went to that retreat. I still have a lot of growing to do.
The logic undergirding this saying also applies to anyone who works in organizations of any type and on a team of any size. Let’s put it to use when considering the people around us in all directions. Say these three statements quietly to yourself now, and prepare to have them come to mind in the future:
My team is not my enemy.
As the leader, you have a team. Possibly the most dangerous water a leader can dive into is the belief that somehow the team functions as a separate entity. Listen to any above average quarterback and he’ll refer to the offense using the pronoun “we.” Why? Imagine the consequences from blaming a poor play on the linemen. Listen to a well-respected ministry leader talk about successes and failures; you’ll never hear her blame the staff. That’s why she’s “well-respected.”
Those examples likely feel easy to follow and agree with, but what about that deep, dark belief that the team is the problem. If only they would … okay, stop. When thinking about the team and the word “they” comes to mind, no matter the circumstances, remember my team is not my enemy.
Ruth Haley Barton has suggested that a shepherd who’s dangerously tired will be tempted to feed on his or her own sheep.
Take a deep breath and consider what’s really taking place. Ruth Haley Barton has suggested that a shepherd who’s dangerously tired will be tempted to feed on his or her own sheep. So get rest. And seek new perspective.
If a new sheep is needed, then make it happen. If a new plan is needed, boldly guide the team in that direction. Do whatever’s needed while maintaining the healthy realization that the leader is part of the team, not separate from it.
My peers are not my enemy.
As a team member, how do you view the people with whom you work? Especially when challenges arrive. Or budget cuts must happen. And those times when not everyone receives equal recognition, compensation, or office location.
Our organization adopted a lively set of staff values, and none received as much energy (positive or negative? Keep reading …) as this one: Work more when needed and work less when needed. Interestingly, the first half needed no explanation. The second half contained the flammable material. Here’s why: Everyone notices. When someone puts in extra time, people think admirably about that teammate. Even appreciative thoughts. But only for a while, because overworking only creates a temporary buzz. Conversely, if someone needs to slow down a little (notice the person is no longer referred to as a teammate), even after heavy lifting, everyone notices. The fear exists that the new thoughts likely include lazy, slacking off, not pulling weight, and other derogatory assumptions.
So this new staff value serves to remind us all that it’s okay to take time off—and to not worry about what others might think. What other prompts does the team you’re on need to create a climate where people assume the best in one another?
My boss (or leader) is not my enemy.
Look back over the past week and count the number of slip-ups you had, regardless of size. Every person knows that he or she does not operate with constant perfection. So, I wonder, why do I so often hold my boss or organization’s leader to such a high standard? If higher compensation dictates lower flaw rates, how do we explain the decisions made by some athletes, entertainment stars, and politicians, just to name a few groups?
As a leader, I’m not perfect. I make mistakes more often than I want. Yet, as many leaders will agree, it’s hard to hear criticism from those I lead. Not because observations are wrong or complaints are untrue. And I realize that my skin must remain thick or I’m unfit to sit at my desk. No, maybe the deep sentiment comes from a sincere desire to not be seen as the enemy.
What a great reminder.
“Do to others as you would have them do to you” (Luke 6:31).
David Staal, senior editor for Building Church Leaders and a mentor to a third grader, serves as the president of Kids Hope USA. David is the author of Show Up (DustJacket Press) and Lessons Kids Need to Learn (Zondervan).
