It's one of today's most difficult conversations, but one increasingly impossible to avoid. The spiritual, political, and emotional implications make this topic explosive. How can pastors talk realistically and redemptively with those seeking pastoral guidance about same sex attraction? We asked Stan Jones, who has academic, professional, and personal experience in helping those sorting out their homosexual orientation, to let us listen in on one of his conversations with "Todd," a composite drawn from many of Stan's interactions.
Jones: Thanks for getting together. Tell me your story.
Todd: I am 20 years old, and since an early age, I sensed that I was different from other boys. I just wasn't into stereotypical boy stuff. In middle school I began to experience occasional attraction to other boys. It was in high school when I felt like I was in love with an older boy—a guy I knew was completely straight. I knew I was in trouble.
I couldn't talk to my parents or anyone at church about this. My church only brings up gays and lesbians as the enemy in the culture wars, and while my parents have never been hateful about gay people, I get the sense this would totally freak them out.
I shared my struggles with one woman who has been a good friend, but she is not a Christian, and she just tells me to come out and "be who I am." I also shared it with my closest Christian friend, and while he has kept my secret and initially promised to be there for me, he has since found ways to pull away. I feel terribly alone, and it's rather terrifying to talk about it all.
Jones: How can I help?
Todd: I am totally confused. On Christian radio and certain sites on the Internet, I hear that homosexual attractions can be changed. But professional psychological organizations and pro-gay groups are emphatic that change is impossible, and I should just embrace my gay identity. I hear the stories of ex-gay leaders who go back to the lifestyle.
Some friends say that the Bible condemns homosexuality, and others say it does not. I hear some evangelicals accept monogamous gay marriage, based on the argument that the Bible simply does not address monogamous same-sex relationships, but I hear most evangelical churches insisting that marriage is only between a man and woman.
Christian maturity is not about solving things, even sexual longings and erotic desires. It is about faithfulness.
I've come to the painful conclusion that I am gay, but what do I do now? How do I sort this out?
Jones: Many of our churches have not done a great job of making a space where people can open their hearts to one another regarding this issue and transparently seek God. We need to do a better job of approaching this issue humbly and gently, recognizing that we are all broken creatures, including experiencing various kinds of sexual brokenness.
Fortunately, we worship a God who speaks into the dark areas of our lives with enough moral clarity that we can understand the rough outlines of how he wants us to seek him, in purity and holiness. The Bible has much more to say about heterosexual sin in all its crazy varieties than it does about homosexual sin, but in every place where homosexual conduct is mentioned, most clearly in Leviticus 18:22, 20:13, Romans 1:26-27, and 1 Corinthians 6:9, it is clearly condemned.
Todd: But the Bible doesn't talk about consensual, orientation-based, same-sex love and marriage as we see today, does it?
Jones: I've been studying this for almost three decades, and several decades ago some progressives were arguing that whatever was being condemned in the passages that described homosexual conduct as an "abomination" bore little resemblance to the loving, consensual, and potentially monogamous same-sex conduct of today.
They thus argued that the Bible was silent on today's questions.
But the best recent scholarship has undermined these arguments. It's virtually untenable today to believe that the Bible does not condemn all forms of homosexual erotic intimacy.
Here's just one example. Prominent New Testament scholar Luke Timothy Johnson (writing in Commonweal, 2007) said: "I have little patience with efforts to make Scripture say something other than what it says, through appeals to linguistic or cultural subtleties. The exegetical situation is straightforward: we know what the text says." He is straightforward that the Bible condemns all homosexual behavior. His proposed response has intellectual integrity, even if, in my opinion, it is spiritually disastrous. As a progressive, he concludes, "I think it important to state clearly that we do, in fact, reject the straightforward commands of Scripture."
He rejects the Bible's commands on the basis of the authority of experience, namely, what he regards as the exemplary spirituality of gay and lesbian Christians he knows.
But one of the foundations of classic Christian belief is that our God is a God who reveals himself and his will for us in the Scriptures, and that the Scriptures can be trusted absolutely. I would urge you not to just reject the Scriptures.
Todd: I'm not inclined to think the Scriptures are just wrong. But why does God condemn homosexual conduct? Does he hate me? That's what Romans 1 seems to imply.
Jones: I am not sure I have a great answer for that. The Scriptures relate the commands but do not give extensive justifications of those commands. Here are my few tentative ideas.
First, today we are bombarded with messages that there is no higher purpose to our universe. The Christian testimony, the testimony of Scripture, is much more complex. Our world and our lives are infused with spiritual meaning and purposes. The apostle Paul in Ephesians says that when he speaks about marriage, he is really speaking about Christ and his bride, the church. God's eternal purposes from creation onward were for human beings as individuals, families, and communities to manifest his image, to be his representatives, to be icons through which the world would see his character.
Included in this is the idea that each marriage between two types of human be-ings, a man and a woman, would be a union reflecting the relationality of the Trinity, that could in turn result in children, thus reflecting the creative and good nature of God. Marriage and family is a way, though not the only way, to "image" God.
As a result of sin, this beautiful picture became distorted. God's moral law directs those who love him into a manner of life that reflects his very nature in tension with our sinful inclinations. Pope John Paul II was on the right path when he argued that a monogamous male-female marriage represents to the world the exclusive and covenantal love of God to a watching world, and that chaste single persons in community equally reflect to the watching world the faithful, loyal, and generously self-giving character of God. Both marriage and chastity are patterns for a life of dignity and blessing.
Second, our struggles toward holiness are an integral part of what it means to be human. A fundamental question that you will face time and time again is "What is the core of my identity?" The message that comes from the world today is that your sexual orientation is the core of your identity: "Who are you? You are gay." End of discussion. I believe the Christian faith would call us to a different answer. The calling to be a disciple of Christ is a calling to radical obedience, to become that which we are not. All of us face a fundamental challenge of reforming our identity into Christ. We face fundamental questions of what God made us to be. The overarching teaching of Scripture is that we are called to become like Christ, and that calls us on a journey of self-sacrifice.
Together, these callings-to a life that images the character of God and to reforming my identity in Christ-send me back to Scripture asking, "What is my calling of obedience to Christ?"
Todd: Well, that's not totally convincing, but I wasn't expecting a waterproof an-swer. A lot of God's commands are mysterious. So what about the change question? Can my orientation change?
Jones: The best answer is an unequivocal "perhaps." With my colleague Mark Yarhouse, we followed 98 people who started the change process through various ministries associated with what used to be Exodus International. We followed them over six to seven years. Of the 61 who remained in the study at the end of that period, 23 percent reported success in "conversion" to heterosexual identity and functioning, while 30 percent reported they were able to live chastely and had dis-identified themselves with homosexual orientation. On the other hand, 20 percent reported giving up on the change process and fully embracing homosexual identity, and the remaining 27 percent reported that they continued in the process of attempted change with limited and unsatisfactory success. These percentages do not include the one third of the original sample about which we have no information.
To be honest, I think these statistics suggesting 23 percent changed orientation and 30 percent are practicing chastity are on the optimistic side. People did not tend to make it into our study unless they had a strong determination to enter the change process. We know that at least a few of the people who dropped out of our study experienced significant change, but most did not.
We conclude from our study that some people had changed significantly, thus disproving that change is impossible. But we were unwilling to estimate the probability of success from our limited study.
Todd: Do these people who change become heterosexual? Do you think they were telling the truth about their experience?
Jones: What complicates our discussions in this area is our binary, simplistic thinking about sexual orientation, as if there are only two categories: gay and straight. Alfred Kinsey got many things wrong, but his idea about sexual orientation existing on a continuum appears to have been basically correct, though sexual attraction is probably more complex and multifaceted than just a single continuum between pure heterosexual and pure homosexual. Attraction varies on many dimensions other than its being directed to males or females.
Another thing that confuses our discussions is our equally simplistic notions about what homosexuality is. We talk about "homosexuality" as if we are talking about one thing, but the authors of the book Homosexualities long ago were on the right track. There are many ways in which gay men and lesbian women are profoundly different from each other: different rates of occurrence (with male homosexuality occurring at twice the rate of female homosexuality), different relational patterns and dynamics (with gays being much less prone toward long-term relational bonding and more prone towards promiscuous sexual patterns than lesbians), different levels of genetic influence, and on and on. Heterosexuality is equally complex. Men and women differ among and between each other on the degree of masculinity and femininity, sexual drive, erotic preferences, and many other things.
The people that I know best who have changed profoundly have not moved mi-raculously to become "pure heterosexuals." They may still experience homosexual attraction, but much less frequently and intensely, and often feel this is attributable to stress, relational disruption, and/or spiritual oppression. The women I have known who experienced profound change probably, on average, report more complete and dramatic change than the men. Those who have changed experience satisfying sexual intimacy with their spouses.
Stay away from anyone who claims to have a program that will 'cure' you. Look for someone caring and wise.
Equally significant is the change of those who have embraced chastity. The individuals I know best who have pursued this path continue to experience same-sex attraction, but as they grow in Christ, the same-sex attraction they experience is less distressing, more manageable, and they are able to live well, findings faithful chastity a rewarding path.
But they face many challenges; for instance, they tend to find the church a hard place in which to find community in which they can be open and transparent. Many of our churches so emphasize family life that those who are single are treated as if their lives are "on hold" until they get married. The individuals who are succeeding at this life of chastity tend to be people who have found committed, chaste relationships in Christ of care with same-sex and opposite-sex sisters and brothers. To succeed in this direction, you have to face the risks of sharing your story with more people, and be ready to challenge your church and other Christian communities to be a help rather than a hindrance in your pursuit of God's will for your life.
Todd: If I choose to seek change, how do I find someone to work with me in constructive and helpful ways?
Jones: That's hard to answer. There is no compelling professional credential in this area, no organizational membership that sorts out the truly helpful from the pretenders or the destructive. I would urge you to stay away from anyone who suggests that they have the program that will "cure" you. There is no such program. Stay away from anyone who does not acknowledge the profound mystery of homosexual attraction. Look for someone compassionate and caring but also knowledgeable and wise, someone who can speak truth into your life, someone who can walk beside you on what promises to be a long journey. Look for a community of such people to support you. It is a good thing, but nonessential thing, if one of those primary people is a mental health professional. I say "nonessential" because there is tremendous healing potential in the caring ministry of God's people in the local church.
Todd: Does the Bible tell me why I am this way? Does science?
Jones: The Bible gives the definitive but unsatisfying answer that your experience, like mine, is the result of being a sinful person in a broken and sinful world.
The answers that come from science are in some ways equally unsatisfying, because they only can answer in terms of averages and generalities, and never address the individual case. There is solid, credible evidence that there is some genetic influence or predisposition towards homosexuality for some individuals. But there are two important things to say about this.
First, genetic influence is not all that strong and does not itself rule out other factors such as the influence of family environment or of our own choices. There's a statistical measure of the power of a genetic influence called "heritability," and the heritability of same-sex orientation is approximately on par with the heritability of many common attributes of personality and many proclivities towards certain types of behavior, such as the proclivity toward church attendance or even television watching. And few of us would say that we go to church or watch television because our genes made us do it.
Second, there is evidence that influences from family and cultural environment make a difference. Persons from broken homes or an absent parent, or who have experienced some form of sexual abuse, appear more likely to struggle with same-sex attraction and engage in homosexual behavior than those who have not experienced those things. But again, it's a moderate influence, and there are many who have experienced neither of these factors who experience same-sex attraction, and many who have these and other difficult experiences who have no same-sex attraction.
Todd: My pastor, who does not know about my sexuality issues, asked me to be a leader in my church's high school ministry. Do my struggles disqualify me? How should I handle this?
Jones: Let me lay a bit of foundation first. While Scripture teaches that homosexual erotic intimacy is a sinful practice, to generalize from this that the entire person who experiences same-sex attraction is especially sinful by virtue of those attractions is wrong. Homosexual desire is a proclivity to a certain type of sin that God considers significant enough to call an "abomination." But a proclivity to a sin is not the same thing as committing that sin. Same-sex orientation may not be morally neutral, since it is a "leaning" in a direction contrary to God's wishes, but in resisting that proclivity and pursuing holiness, you are exhibiting virtue and strength that is admirable.
In many ways the decision decades ago by the major mental health organizations that homosexuality is not a mental illness is right. Experiencing same-sex desires does not itself qualify as a mental illness. But what was wrong about that decision is the false conclusion drawn by many that same-sex attractions (and other sexual variations) are as normal as heterosexual inclination. Further, many make the false claim that homosexual persons are just as emotionally healthy on average as heterosexuals, which is simply empirically not true. Homosexual orientation is consistently associated with higher levels of depression, anxiety, and similar conditions, even if many gay and lesbian persons are not depressed, anxious, and so forth.
So if you embrace the Bible's witness that homosexual conduct is immoral, and are committed to the pursuit of holiness, as I understand it, you are not morally prohibited from leadership in the church. You are not necessarily a risk in leadership on grounds of mental or emotional instability either. My concrete advice to you is this: Be transparent to someone in your church leadership; tell them honestly of your struggle and of your desire to serve in leadership out of your love for Christ. Establish a clear and effective accountability relationship with a mature elder. Commit yourself to total honesty for the sake of your witness to Christ.
And one more thing: Be aware that the Adversary will attack you and test you in your areas of vulnerability. The apostle Paul says "flee sexual immorality." As Potiphar's wife's dress came off, Joseph got up and out; he didn't linger to explore the possibilities. Be aware also that sexual temptation is not going to be your only area of vulnerability; seek out before God awareness of all areas of vulnerability.
Let me suggest one possibility. You, like many who experience same-sex attraction, know how others may disapprove and have found ways to hide your desires. So you may have picked up subtle patterns of duplicity in how you live your life. This is why I suggest openness and honesty as a discipline. Commit yourself to careful accountability, expect to be tested, and be ready to pursue support at every turn.
Todd: Well, I'm grateful for this information, but I can't say that you have solved things for me.
Jones: I apologize if my own inadequacy, mediocre scholarship, or lack of Christian maturity have failed you in any way. But Christian maturity is not about solving things; it is about faithfulness. We are confronted in this area with the uncertainty of our paths, the modesty of our knowledge, and the mystery of the human condition. My appreciation of these uncertainties has only grown over the years.
God has given you and me and every member of the human family a precious gift, the gift of life and the opportunity to grow into the person he wants us to become. I have meditated over the passage that speaks of God's Word as a "lamp to my feet" (Psalm 119:105). What we often want today is a blinding searchlight that illumines our path for miles ahead. In the ancient world, the best you could get was an oil lamp or perhaps a torch lit with burning pitch. Imagine climbing a treacherous mountain path with such a light, with possible death only a step away on either side! But what do you really need? To see the whole path for miles ahead, or to know where next to put your foot?
In the face of the mind-numbing complexity of our brokenness and the profound mystery of human life, I urge you to celebrate that God has provided illumination for the next step in your path. Embrace the journey ahead, a journey of uncertain outcome, but with the firm promise that the resurrected Christ will walk alongside of you as you walk alongside of him in obedience to his revealed will. It is much better to bind yourself to a trustworthy Guide than to bind yourself to some ideal outcome that may or may not be attainable for you.
But let my last words here be from the apostle Paul, 1 Corinthians 6:11, describing the broken and sinful backgrounds of those in the church: "And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." Included on the list were those in bondage to homosexual sin. I do not believe that when Paul says "such were some of you" that he necessarily means these people were now all happily married (though that is possible).
We need to remember that the opposite of being in bondage to sin is to be freed to pursue holiness. Heterosexual marriage is one way to pursue holiness; chaste singleness is an equally blessed way. But regardless of the overt expression of our sexual longings and erotic desires, the most important thing is to be in pursuit of holiness. To be washed, to be sanctified, to be justified, to be abiding in Christ and to be united with him. Regardless of the specifics of this conversation, if you continue to be dedicated to these things, you can trust that Christ will never let you go.
Stanton L. Jones is provost of Wheaton College in Wheaton, Illinois.
