If last year was the year of the Royal Wedding, this year is definitely set to be the year of the Royal Baby Watch. Virtually every tabloid is plastered with some variation of the news that the former Kate Middleton is pregnant, soon-to-be-pregnant, or unable to get pregnant. From speculation about her weight to rumors of pressure from the Queen to continue the royal line, everyone is on high alert to find out when Will and Kate will start their family. And with Middleton having just celebrated her 30th birthday, some royal-baby watchers are saying one of the most popular news items of 2012 will be the Duchess of Cambridge’s uterus.
The hype around a royal heir is carryover from the hype about the royal wedding—it just comes with the territory. But I feel for the girl. She can’t step outside without the media wondering if her slightly billowy shirt is disguising a growing belly, when in fact it’s probably comfortable attire perfect for running errands in. But is the obsession over Will and Kate’s hoped-for baby—and the general hype over celebrity babies—something we, as Christians, should be concerned about? Or, is it actually a bigger example of smaller, everyday conversations we have in our own churches?
It’s probably both.
Not long after a Christian couple gets married, questions about baby-making begin pouring in. I had been married a few weeks when I was asked, “So, when are you going to have a baby?” If you have been married for a few years, the questions get more direct: “You’ve been married a few years now. Isn’t it about time you started a family?” Or, “Don’t you just love your little nephew? I bet you can’t wait to have one of your own ….” If you already have kids, you might face a different set of statements, such as, “I bet Johnny can’t wait to have another little brother or sister”—before you’ve left the hospital with your newest addition.
Questions like these are well-meaning, and generally the heart behind them is right and biblical. As evangelical Christians, we are pro-life and pro-family, so it’s only normal that people would want a young couple to grow their family. But the problem with questions like these, and the ones the media is asking about Middleton, is they presume to know the couples in question. There is a difference between a dear friend asking you when you think you will be ready to start a family, and a virtual stranger asking the same question. The reality is, in our churches, we tend to be far too comfortable with inquiring about the personal lives of people we don’t really know.
I used to thoughtlessly ask couples I hardly knew when they wanted to have children, if they were trying, or even if they wanted kids. I assumed that if a couple was not pregnant, it was by choice, not necessity or circumstance. I thought that couples got pregnant quickly and with relative ease, so asking questions didn’t seem insensitive.
Then we had a miscarriage and subsequently struggled with infertility. Besides the pain we have faced related to this trial, my eyes have been opened to the fact that the road to pregnancy is not always an easy or a quick one.
It is estimated that 25 percent of all known pregnancies end in miscarriage. It is also estimated that 6.1 million American couples face infertility in some capacity. This doesn’t include the countless couples who have lost children through stillbirth, failed adoptions, in early infancy, or as young children. Many of those couples are in our churches every Sunday grieving silently as other couples bring with them happy, healthy babies.
You never really know where people are. I’ve seen people ask a woman when she was going to add another child to her bunch, only to find out later that she had miscarried a week earlier. She and her husband were trying; it just wasn’t public information. We tend to be really comfortable with asking couples when they might want to have children, but we tend be unaware of the fact that these questions might bring pain rather than encouragement. Unless we are invested in the lives of young couples in our churches, we don’t know about their circumstances any more than we know about Middleton’s.
Of course, the answer is not an end to all pregnancy questions. Children are a gift from the Lord and should be welcomed and celebrated. One of the things we often fail to embrace when we ask such questions is that conception is not a manmade invention. Even the most fertile couple in the world can “plan” their family only to be met with a little “surprise” earlier than they had scheduled. God is the author of life, an oft-forgotten concept in our zeal for new children. But as Christians, our questions should always be laced with sensitivity and, more often than is true, restraint. Thinking through your questions before you ask them can bring a wealth of grace and encouragement to a couple who might be facing infertility or the loss of a child.
Kate Middleton is probably not going to be a member of your local church anytime soon (or ever), but she is a person. And as much as we all want to see a chubby-faced British baby in the next nine months, no amount of speculation will speed up that process. Sure, we can be excited when the day finally does come. But let’s be careful that our excitement doesn’t turn into invasion of privacy, because in all honesty, it’s not really our business anyway.
Courtney Reissig is a pastor’s wife and freelance writer/blogger. She has written for the Gospel Coalition’s book review site, the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, and the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. She blogs regularly at In View of God’s Mercy.
