When You're Hurt by the Church - Christianity Today

You may have been abused by shepherds who should have restored you but instead chose to condemn you (or worse). Or perhaps you have been neglected by churchgoers who should have cared enough to seek you out and return you to the flock. I do not deny that many of us have been victims of the sinful, selfish, and hurtful acts of those in and around the church.

But we must also acknowledge the real possibility that sometimes we choose to remain victims when we have the opportunity to move on. It is a waste of our spiritual potential to fixate on how events of the past could have or should have been different. Most of us who have been hurt could persuade any jury that the treatment we received from other Christians should have been different. But here is the truth: THINGS ARE NOT DIFFERENT.

No amount of time spent dwelling on how another sheep hurt us or should have done something different will change our present situation.

Imagine that you have been shot and rushed to the emergency room. Would you spend all of your time worrying about who shot you? Or do you think your first concern might be to survive?

With physical hurts, we immediately seek help. But emotional and spiritual hurts seem to engender a response unlike any other wound. When we are “shot” by people in the church, we tend to focus on the shooter, not the Healer. This is one of our Enemy’s most effective distraction strategies—he knows that healing is available, and he does not want us to get it.

Satan would have us forget that being broken is an integral part of God’s plan for our growth. The apostle Paul, who begged God to remove his affliction, came to an important realization:

And then he told me, “My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.” Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9, The Message)

Paul “quit focusing on the handicap.” This action is essential to recovery. Sadly, many of us stop acting when we are broken, but this point of resignation is just short of the point where we can receive God’s healing.

No More Obstacles

In the Gospel of John we see an example of how Christ asked a seeker to leave his woundedness behind, knowing that he could never again fall back on that as his identity.

Soon another Feast came around and Jesus was back in Jerusalem. Near the Sheep Gate in Jerusalem there was a pool, in Hebrew called Bethesda, with five alcoves. Hundreds of sick people—blind, crippled, paralyzed—were in these alcoves. One man had been an invalid there for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him stretched out by the pool and knew how long he had been there, he said, “Do you want to get well?”

The sick man said, “Sir, when the water is stirred, I don’t have anybody to put me in the pool. By the time I get there, somebody else is already in.”

Jesus said, “Get up, take your bedroll, start walking.” The man was healed on the spot. He picked up his bedroll and walked off. (John 5:1—9)

First, Jesus asked the invalid if he wanted to get well. What an amazing demonstration that God will not force himself on anyone, no matter how obvious the need, if we don’t make a decision to receive his healing. This man had apparently embraced victimhood for thirty-eight long years. So when Jesus asked him the question, the man launched into victim-speak instead of answering:

Sir, when the water is stirred, I don’t have anybody to put me in the pool. By the time I get there, somebody else is already in.

That did not answer Jesus’ question. Still, Jesus showed grace mixed with a command to do something. “Get up,” he said to the man. Jesus knew how much faith it would take to attempt that seemingly simple task. When the man chose by faith to get up and leave his victimhood behind after nearly four decades, he was healed.

Father Alfred D’Souza wrote: “For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin—real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”

I have come to that same realization regarding the church. These flawed people, these perceived obstacles to my joy, are the community that Jesus ordained for me. They are my fellowship life. Waiting for them to meet my needs will leave me frustrated till I depart this planet.

Is that a pessimistic view? I don’t think so. I am also one of those flawed people, and those around me have to rely on the grace of Jesus to deal with me. The amount of energy invested in choosing bitterness or choosing healing is probably about the same. But the end results are diametrically different. One choice leaves me paralyzed in the past. The other choice gives hope for the future.

In the Christian walk, hurts are inevitable. Feeling like a victim and deciding to stay there is optional.

Cut It Down and Forget It

If we choose to nurse our victimhood rather than treat our wounds, they can become spiritually life threatening.

A story is told about a visit General Robert E. Lee paid to a Kentucky home, where a bitter and angry woman pointed to what was left of a magnificent tree in front of her house. She was upset that Union artillery fire had ruined the shape and beauty of the tree. She wanted General Lee to share her anger. She wanted the great leader to condemn the Yankees and sympathize with her. Lee paused and quietly said, “Cut it down, my dear madam, and forget it.” Lee knew that the ravaged tree would only be a constant reminder of her victimhood. He wisely suggested that the reminder be cut out so she could get on with her life. That tree would never be the same, and her bitterness would not change that fact.

I, too, have often chosen to turn scarred remnants in my own heart into monuments that perpetually remind me all over again. For many of us it is time to follow the words of Robert E. Lee: Let’s cut it down, my dear brothers and sisters, and forget it.

For Reflection and Discussion

1. Why do people in the church have such a deep emotional reaction to wounds caused by others in the church?

2. Read 2 Corinthians 12:9. What change in Paul’s attitude helped him to accept his handicap?

3. Describe the difference between a person who is broken and one who is needy. Are you broken or needy? Explain.

4. Why do you think Jesus asked the invalid in John 5 whether he wanted to be healed?

5. Are you holding on to something damaged or scarred in your life because you are angry about it? Name this thing. Ask Jesus to change your heart so you can, with his help, “cut it down and forget it.”