Couples often come for counseling claiming they want to help their marriage, when what they really want is some justification to get out of it. I have seen some seriously damaged marriages, but I have not found one beyond repair if both people are willing to work at it. But without that willingness, counseling is usually wasted. So I begin pastoral counseling by asking three questions:
Where do you want this marriage to go?
Many couples have never talked about this. One person may think living separate lives within the same house is fine, while the other wants to share everything. Some think that if there isn’t much fighting, then it’s going well. The other person often wants deeper intimacy.
Getting people to answer this question honestly is critical. I ask people to take a few days to answer this question, to pray about their true desires. As hard as this question can be, the answers can open dialogue that reveals the true condition of the marriage.
Answers can be both general and specific. As general as “I want a marriage where we are continually growing closer together.” Or as specific as “I want my husband to enjoy doing some of the things I do and show me his love in practical ways.” Or, “I want my wife to respect me and show me she values what I do for the family.”
How will you get there?
This is where most counseling focuses, but a plan cannot be implemented until all three questions are answered. Some couples want to jump straight into “solutions,” but if each person’s heart is not into the changes, the solutions will be short-lived.
Take the goals each person has for the marriage and ask them to think through what must occur for each goal to be realized. If they want their relationship to be continually growing closer, for example, then they might need to plan more time together. It’s difficult to grow closer to someone you never see.
Some couples have used this question, combined with the first question, to explore how their attitudes and words play a part in building or hurting the marriage. A couple that is constantly criticizing each other begins to see those actions are not taking the marriage where they say they want it to go.
Detailed answers should be written down and agreed upon. It’s helpful if you, as a third party, assist in this process and ask the couple on a regular basis how they’re doing with the plan.
Are you willing to do whatever it takes to reach the place you want to be in your marriage?
This is by far the most important question, but it cannot be answered until the other two questions have been answered.
People are usually willing to do the things they want to do, and likewise, they aren’t willing to do other things. That may sound obvious, but it is essential. This question shakes out the truth of the other two questions, forcing each person to take a serious look inside his or her heart.
These questions are not a substitute for professional counseling. Many couples need counseling to work through deeper or more serious issues. These questions will, however, provide couples with a basic understanding of the current dynamics and can be helpful at any stage of marriage to help them grow in strength and intimacy.
Ron Edmondson is a pastor and counselor in Clarksville, Tennessee.
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