Like Father, Like Leader

When my son was a toddler, we took hand-in-hand neighborhood strolls. He would pull at my protecting grip toward the street when a truck passed. Not wanting to punish him for the natural desire to touch a truck, I would drop to my knees, hold him tightly in my arms and say, “Daddy loves you; stay with me. Don’t go into the street. Big owwy!”

Later my wife, Mary, took him to a program at a church facility on a busy street. As the program ended, all the kids jumped up and ran out of the room to play. The moms ran out after them, and Mary followed them outside. There, she told me, our son was standing on the sidewalk shouting to the other children, “No street! Owwy! Stay here!”

I was proud of my boy on that occasion. And I was gratified to hear my fathering seemed to be working. Like father, like son.

As a leader, I have discovered that effective leading is a lot like fathering.

Watch for what God is doing in people and bless it.

President Kennedy once recalled, “If I walked out on stage and fell flat on my face, Father would say I fell better than anyone else.” Good fathers look for opportunities to encourage their children, not with false praise, but with honest appraisal. This means being alert to your child’s talent or gift, being quick to affirm it, and providing opportunities to exercise it. It’s simple, but not easy for men today, because many did not receive this affirmation from their own fathers. But a man can change generational patterns with a conscious decision to get involved like this in his children’s lives. The same is true for pastors, especially as we lead people who did not have good father models.

Once a young mother came to me distraught over her teenage son, who was staying out late at night and coming home drunk. “Where’s his father?” I asked.

“Oh,” she scoffed, he was a no-good addict who died of a drug overdose years ago.”

“So what do you tell your boy when he finally sobers up?”

Her face twisted with fury. “I tell him, ‘You’re just like your father!'”

It’s people like that teenager—and his mother—who need positive pastoral leadership.

As church leaders, we are to watch especially for activities that stir vitality and passion in church members, a common sign that the Spirit of God is at work, and speak well of it. Blessing God’s work in others requires that we know him well enough to recognize it (Eph. 1:17-20). And it requires that we know our church members in small settings.

The shame of our natural inadequacies loses its power as we share openly with people we trust, and when we find from people we want to respect, like fathers and leaders, words of encouragement and genuine affirmation.

Don’t coerce behavior, no matter how righteous, but lead into deeper relationship with Jesus.

Cultural and religious models of fathering often mislead by teaching that a dad’s job is to force a child to do the right thing. As a pastor, I sometimes found myself setting out grand visions for my church and proceeding to manipulate, shame, and coerce my parishioners into accomplishing them. Years of broken relationships, both personal and professional, eventually revealed to me my own manipulative behaviors, and their origin in faulty relationships I had with my forefathers.

Trying to force “proper behavior” without a loving hand of grace stirs rebellion because it violates the child’s heart, which God has already oriented, if not to do the right thing, certainly to do what Dad does. “Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children” (Eph. 5:1).

Recognize your faults, but don’t pass them on.

Sin is deep, but God gives us a deeper desire, to be restored to the Father’s love. There’s sin to deal with in us all. But Jesus, who is one with the Father (John 10:30), knows from the Cross how badly sin hurts us. He therefore leads us to the Father’s heart not only with the sword of truth, but also with open, even broken arms of grace. “As a father has compassion on his children,” the Psalmist declares, “so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him” (Ps. 103:13).

The leader must face that longing for restoration in himself and humbly surrender it to Jesus. Then he can recognize the longing in others and lead them at last to the Father who fulfills it.

I recall another time when my wife, son, and I were seated at the dinner table and an argument developed between her and me. At one point I snapped at her. Simmering, I turned fiercely to my mashed potatoes amid the tense silence—which was broken by the clattering of a spoon-on-plate and a loud sassy voice, “Mommy, this food is bad!”

Mary didn’t have to speak. Her thin smile said it all. “I’m sorry I snapped at you, honey,” I confessed. “I shouldn’t talk to you that way and I promise I’ll try not to do it again.” Then, I turned to my son. “I’m sorry I showed you the wrong way to talk to Mommy. We won’t talk to her like that again.”

Like father, like son.

Like leader, like church.

Author and ministry leader Gordon Dalbey teaches on fathering and relationships. www.abbafather.com.

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