If your wife resents you or the church, it isn't just her problem. You certainly share in the consequences.
— Louis McBurney
Travis's first couple of years at First Church as an associate pastor went well: he got along with the senior pastor with only a few, minor disturbances. By his third year, however, things began to deteriorate, and that began to affect his wife.
Travis was a maverick who shared most of the cultural symbols of his baby-boom generation. He had worn his hair long since adolescence. He dressed casually. He was "into" movies. He enjoyed contemporary music. His lifestyle seemed to run counter to most of the older, mainstream leaders of the congregation. Yet he was a loving, committed, effective minister having a noticeable impact on the growth of the church.
At first he displayed a defensive, almost rebellious attitude about the criticism coming his way. The people could accept him the way he was or ask him to leave! Finally he consented to wear his hair shorter, but he refused to wear a coat and tie in the office.
Not only was he a maverick in his lifestyle, he began to challenge the social stance of the church. He began an inner-city ministry that was attracting to the church people from lower economic levels. Church people felt showing concern for the homeless was one thing; sitting by them in worship was something else.
Worse than that, in some people's minds, was his lack of respect for denominational ties. The church had been the most prominent congregation in the state, the flagship of the fleet. Now this renegade staff member seemed to devalue that position. For that, he began taking heat from the church elders and other church staff.
Naturally, Travis confided in his wife. And naturally, Barb rallied behind her husband. Every time Travis came home discouraged or with a new twist in the unfolding drama, she saw red. A slow but steady frustration began to mount. She obsessed on how her husband was being vilified: They're persecuting him and stabbing him in the back — after all we've done for this church!
With no one besides Travis to talk to — even he became defensive when she criticized the church — she felt isolated and trapped. Over a two-year period, she quietly withdrew from her church commitments, including choir. She even stopped attending Sunday evening services.
Resentment in a pastor's wife is like a natural gas leak — often hard to detect and discovered only after an explosion. Most likely, when an explosion occurs, it's the result of a slow leak. Little things accumulate: financial stress, petty criticism, feeling unappreciated. Finally, often near midlife, some conflict or crisis ignites the pocket of fumes.
If your wife resents you or your work, at best it will cripple her relationship to the church. At worst, it can destroy your marriage or force you to leave your present charge. (Since most of the ministry couples I've counseled are male pastors and their wives, I'm assuming a traditional couple for this chapter.)
How can you spot resentment in your wife? What can be done to help her resolve her anger and prevent it from destroying your marriage and ministry?
Detecting the Leak
Before entering ministry, Bob was a civil engineer. In his early thirties, he felt a call to full-time Christian service. His wife, Mary, who shared his call, supported him enthusiastically. So they headed off for school.
Their first parish out of seminary was a small, rural church, and Mary fit right in. Both she and Bob loved ministering in a farm community. After three years there, however, Bob began to toy with the idea of moving onward and upward. When a larger, suburban church contacted him, Bob was ecstatic.
Mary resisted moving from the start. When Bob brought the subject up, she was forthright: she wanted to stay put. Their ministry was flourishing, she said. Why leave now? Bob promised her he would not accept the call without her green light.
One day Mary overheard Bob on the telephone telling a friend he had accepted the position at the suburban church. Feeling shocked and betrayed, she confronted him as soon as he got off the phone. "You promised you wouldn't accept that position unless I agreed!" she said.
Bob shrugged his shoulders. "I'm sorry, but I can't go back on my word," he said. "I'm sure you'll like the new church."
At first Mary felt hurt, then she got angry. But the show had to go on. Smoldering inwardly, she picked up and moved to her new station in life.
The church, as it turned out, was a nightmare for both but especially for Mary. Angry at Bob, she withdrew emotionally from him. Once warm and outgoing, she now was distant from Bob and everyone in the church. She busied herself with their children. Within two years Bob resigned the church.
Mary's response is typical of an angry pastor's wife: with nowhere to go with her anger, she pulled into herself. Pastors' wives don't get even; they withdraw. With no one to confide in, they feel trapped and alone. And the insular world of church culture only magnifies the problem. She is the pastor's wife — and a pastor's wife isn't supposed to have problems. So she retreats into the woodwork.
Sexual disinterest is another form of withdrawal. In general, sexual intimacy for women is more relational and emotional than physical. At Marble, ministers' wives frequently tell us that when they feel angry towards the church or their husband, sexual intimacy is unimaginable: "How could my husband possibly desire intimacy when there's so much emotional distance between us?"
Resentment also commonly comes out in physical symptoms. An angry spouse is likely to start complaining of headaches, backaches, stomach aches, fatigue.
In some cases, however, resentment doesn't go underground. It manifests as unapologetic rage. One pastor's wife said, "I'm the world's worst bitch, and I know it. When my husband comes home, I start in on him because I'm so furious with him and his d——n church."
Another woman took out her anger by criticizing her husband in public. In small group meetings or when entertaining church guests, she made snide comments aimed at him. Still another stopped attending her husband's church altogether — a not-too-covert way of saying, "I'm angry, and you are going to know about it." Other wives express anger by overspending on credit. They are communicating, "I don't feel I'm being treated nicely, so I'll compensate by treating myself to nice things."
Flight or Fight
When the spouse is angry at her husband or his work, it feeds his insecurities. The pastor may think, What if her resentment jeopardizes my ministry? Or puts a wedge between me and So-and-so in the church? What if I'm forced to leave this church — or ministry?
He's tempted in one of two directions: to ignore it or become defensive. A pastor already feels he's peddling as fast as he can. When his wife complains about the pressure she's feeling, she becomes another problem. Going home gets to be a drag, so some pastors avoid the problem. They invest even more time and energy in ministry. The wife's cries for help fall on unsympathetic ears.
John and Becky threw themselves into their first church with idealistic abandon. After a few years, however, Becky grew disenchanted when one of the leading families of the church repeatedly criticized and hounded John. Unable to do anything without their blessing, John felt as if his hands were tied. Becky shared his frustration.
Then a woman from this dominating family began working as John's secretary. Soon she became more than a secretary; she acted as if she were John's associate pastor. For whatever reason, John allowed it to continue. She tagged along to his meetings, stayed at church to help when he worked late, and seemingly had a voice in every area of church life.
At first Becky tried to be the loving, supportive pastor's wife. Occasionally she mentioned that she was uncomfortable with the situation, but John would brush her aside: "Suzi is a wonderful addition to the ministry. I couldn't do it without her." Becky would drop the matter, but that didn't resolve her feelings.
Then she attempted to compete with John's secretary; she started spending more time assisting at the church office. She worked late with her husband. That's when Suzi, the secretary, said, with deep "concern" one day, "John needs more support at home than at church."
At the same time, Becky had sensed John's discomfort with her involvement; so she backed off. Then she completely withdrew. Over the course of two years, she quietly gave up on the church and, though remaining married, gave up on ever having a close relationship with John.
These were painful years for John, too, and he could have saved himself a lot of that pain had he not ignored or dismissed Becky's red flags. He never had a sexual affair with his secretary, but by the time he wised up, his marriage was teetering towards failure. In essence, he abandoned her. In doing so, he multiplied her insecurities and turned up the volume on her anger.
Defensiveness is just as bad as ignoring a problem. When his wife is openly critical of people in the church, a pastor may say something like, "They are just sheep who need a shepherd. You'll have to put up with their comments" or "Maybe the people in church are right. You ought to be more involved." Unwittingly he joins hands with the church — which only serves to isolate his wife. Now she feels as if both her husband and the church are against her.
One pastor with a failing marriage, who reluctantly agreed to attend Marble Retreat, was a high-energy worker who put in long hours not only in his parish but in the community. His wife had made it clear to him over and over that she was overwhelmed with the pressure of parish life. He considered his wife's distress a nuisance, and for years he acted as though it was her problem.
At Marble, his attitude didn't change. He insisted that he was right and that his wife had an assortment of failings and needed to make the adjustments. He might as well have stayed home: his judgmental attitude during the two weeks at Marble never softened. He stubbornly refused to take a hard look at what was fueling his wife's anger.
Undefensive Care
The most important thing to remember is this: if your wife resents you or the church, it isn't just her problem. It's yours as well — you certainly share in the consequences! Here are several principles that will go a long way towards making her problem yours and defusing her anger.
First, what a resentful wife needs most is to feel her husband's care about what's troubling her. One of the most common remarks I hear from pastors' wives is "I don't feel validated as a person; my feelings are not taken seriously." That's a legitimate complaint. Until your wife feels safe sharing unsafe feelings — without your becoming defensive — she will hold back. And that only reinforces the downward spiral.
That means you must make a risky move: ask her why she's angry and what you are doing to make things worse — a move not for lightweights.
Second, your wife needs your permission to be angry. She needs to feel supported and be given ample time to resolve her hurts.
Dirk was a typical pastor, eager to please, and he tried hard to be sensitive to his congregation. He could see their faults as much as his wife, Dara, did. It just seemed easier for him to overlook their insults. He figured a pastor and his wife had to be thick skinned.
Unfortunately Dara was more a doe than a rhino. She was emotionally fragile, and every barb wounded her deeply. Dirk was able to soothe her hurt, but when the hurt became resentment and then turned into bitterness and then blatant anger, he felt helpless.
He got scared when she blew her top about somebody at church. His fear erased his compassion. He tried to put a lid on her hostility. He was sure if he let her rage she would get out of control and destroy his ministry.
Regrettably his sharp, demanding tone only added to her feeling abused. Rather than help her control herself, his anger compounded hers. She stuffed her feelings down as long as she could. Then she totally blew up in a congregational meeting. His worst fear was realized.
As they worked through the conflict in counseling, Dara was finally able to explain to Dirk how she felt. She simply needed the freedom to express her anger in a safe place — at home with him. His clamping down on her had only thrown gas on an open flame.
Since a wife's resentment has most likely built up over time, time is what she needs most. Once you have communicated to her that you want to be part of the solution, I'd recommend occasionally asking, "How are you feeling about So-and-so?" Your question lets her know she hasn't been forgotten.
Third, encourage her to find support outside the church. It could be a friend, a support group, or a professional counselor. Of course, you'll need to be careful about recommending professional help. You don't want to communicate, "I need to send you somewhere to get fixed so you won't be such a drain on me and my ministry."
The best thing you can do is support her when she brings up the subject of getting outside help. If she does, give her your 100 percent support. Even if it means going to the church board to get money for her to do so. Many clergy couples are reluctant to let church leadership know of their struggles. Being careful about what you share is wise, but sometimes the need to get help outweighs the risk of revelation. Many pastors are surprised to find their church leaders supportive.
Finally, your wife needs to feel that, if push came to shove, she is number one to you, that, if need be, you would willingly leave the church on her behalf.
Scripture commands us to love our wives as Christ loved the church: he gave himself up for her. Would you be willing to resign for the sake of your marriage? Taking that verse seriously is a scary prospect.
I think the hardest thing I've ever given up for Melissa was my golf habit. I had to agree that two or three rounds of golf a week had become excessive. I don't know what I would do if she wanted me to quit psychiatry. I would like to believe I would go that far if she insisted.
So I have profound respect for Rick. His wife, Joan, didn't marry him when he was a pastor, and she was resistant to his leaving his secular job to enter seminary. Almost from the first day of his new career, she was unhappy. When he took his first church, her despondency grew. After a few distressing years, Rick could see that Joan wasn't able to adjust. She was a shy, private person and felt invaded by ministry demands. Rick bravely resigned and went back into his previous profession. He later told me it was the best move he had ever made.
The older I get, the less idealistic I am. Some conflicts cannot be resolved. Sometimes hard work and prayer just aren't enough. When your wife resents the church, the time may come to wipe the dust off your sandals and move to a new church. When your wife's hurt is too deep to stay where you are, your marriage must take center stage.
That's a painful decision. Here are a few questions to ask when wrestling with the decision to stay or move: If you stay in your church, what will be the effects on your wife? A nervous breakdown? Physical problems? In light of your wife's hostility, how effective do you feel your ministry can be? Is staying worth the price of possibly losing your marriage?
One caveat if you do move: any underlying problems in your marriage that created the need for a church transition need to be dealt with. If not, you will take those problems into the next church or your next phase of life.
Preempting Resentment
Conflict seems to be a regular part of life — in and out of the church. Yet the church environment is peculiar. Resentment flourishes in its soil. Here are three suggestions to keep it from taking root in your marriage.
• Remember the little things. One day in a group counseling session at Marble, with his wife sitting on the couch next to him, a pastor recalled an incident when his wife's behavior baffled him. It happened on Valentine's Day, which that year fell on a Sunday. Before heading off to church, he handed his wife a corsage. She was appreciative at the time, but later that afternoon, she became guarded, reserved, and distant.
"Tell the rest of the story," his wife interjected.
"The rest of the story?" he said. "What story?"
"I went to church that morning," she said, "and all the old ladies in the church had on the same corsage he had given me!"
Doing the special things, without taking shortcuts, can kill a lot of resentments.
• Agree on how much to share with your wife. Let's say one afternoon an elder walks into your office and unfairly lambastes you. You leave the office angry, but on the way home you question whether you should tell your wife about this incident. She is already peeved at this elder. Telling her might make her more angry than you are. What should you do?
I urge couples to decide, beforehand, how much should be shared. Some wives feel abandoned or neglected if their husbands don't give them the latest scoop: "I want to know. It makes me feel important, included, and loved when my husband lets me inside his head." Others would rather not be bothered; it only complicates life and colors their views of people in the church.
Before conflict arises, then, the pastor should ask his wife, "How do you feel about my sharing what is going on in the church? Is it better for you if I don't give you a play-by-play? Or would you prefer to know?"
• Mitigate the pressures. One pastor, when someone in his church would say, "We need cookies for next Sunday evening's gathering. Would your wife be willing to make those?" would respond, "I don't know. You'll have to talk to her." He let his wife be her own person. His response went a long way towards protecting his wife from undue pressure — and preempted resentment buildup.
Another pressure is money. Clergy are notoriously underpaid, and the burden of that largely falls on the spouse. She can't afford to dress her family as nice as other church families. The car she drives is more likely to be a dented 1984 Buick than a new Nissan Infiniti. Nor can she get her hair fixed as often as she would like. Always being strapped for cash makes her feel like a second-class citizen. Over time, it wears thin and can cause resentment.
This is a pressure point pastors should aggressively seek to relieve. That may mean being up-front with the church leadership about your salary shortfall: "We're just not able to make ends meet on my salary. Here's our budget."
Many, though, cower at the thought: It might jeopardize my job. It might draw fire from the power brokers in the church. But speaking up speaks volumes to your wife about your commitment to make your marriage work.
In the end, Travis and Barb, the couple in the opening story, survived Barb's resentment. After two weeks at Marble, where Barb worked on her anger and Travis assumed his responsibility for their struggles, they returned home knowing what they needed to do.
Together Travis and Barb met with the elders, and Barb told them how she had been feeling, how hurt she was, how she felt they had treated her and Travis unfairly. Remarkably, the elders listened, even acknowledging some of the hurt they had caused. Barb's anger was released, and she was reconciled to Travis and the church.
The explosive natural gas of resentment can be dispersed — if it is faced head on. Concerned, considerate pastors can make the church a reasonably safe place for their spouse to call home.
Copyright ©1994 by Christianity Today
