Your family is not apart from your ministry; it’s a part of your ministry.
Howard Hendricks
A generation ago, a man wrote in his Bible, “Let my heart be broken with the things that break the heart of God.” That rule ordered his life.
For twenty years, he scurried from Korea to Africa to China to India to Europe saving souls, housing orphans, and building hospitals. Through his documentary films, radio broadcasts, and personal appearances, he awakened the social consciousness of an entire generation of American Christians. In the process, he formed a worldwide relief organization, World Vision, that continues to be one of the most effective Christian relief agencies. The man’s name was Bob Pierce.
But while Bob Pierce was reaching the world, he had greater difficulty embracing those closest to him. He accepted the axiom, “If I take care of God’s business, God will take care of my family.” His consuming work kept him away from home for months at a time. Relational distance increased as time with his family decreased.
He grew sullen, even hostile, toward his family and in time was legally separated from his wife. One child committed suicide; another married prematurely and was soon divorced.
Soon even his closest associates found it impossible to work with him; they removed him from the organization he had begun. He became bitter and reclusive, suffering bouts of severe depression.
Only on his deathbed did he manage one shining evening of reconciliation with his alienated wife and family. He died at peace, but his family life, in many ways, was still in pieces.
The story of Bob Pierce haunts many of us who are commited to wholehearted service for Christ. Must family be sacrificed to accomplish something great for God?
In the corporate world, many would say greatness does come at just such a price. In Tom Peters and Nancy Austin’s book A Passion for Excellence, they write, “We are frequently asked if it is possible to ‘have it all’ — a full and satisfying personal life and a full and satisfying, hard-working professional one. Our answer is: No. The price of excellence is time, energy, attention, focus, at the very same time that energy, attention, focus could have gone toward enjoying your daughter’s soccer game. Excellence is a high-cost item.”
Or consider what David Ogilvy observed in Confessions of an Advertising Man: “If you prefer to spend all your spare time growing roses or playing with your children, I like you better, but do not complain that you’re not being promoted fast enough.”
Granted, Christian accomplishment is measured by a different gauge than the corporate ladder. We’d all acknowledge, even in ministry, that we need to put time, energy, and concentration into our effort. But the story of Bob Pierce has forced many of us to ask the tough questions: Is God honored by a life of tremendous public achievement but private disarray? Does God really call Bob Pierce — or call you and me — to build temple after temple while the foundation of our own families, also a gift from God, crumbles around our feet?
None of us is willing to say so. And yet, the temptation to sacrifice family for ministry, to put other people before spouse and children, continues. Why?
“In many cases it is a genuine love for people and a desire to meet their needs,” says Richard Strauss, “but I wonder if other motives don’t also cloud the issue. Sometimes we feel a great need for affirmation, but our families see us as we are and don’t always give it. Since we can be a hero to a struggling person over there, we spend the time where we get the most praise.”
Some clergy admit that their work is their escape. “I was using my ministry to avoid my family,” confesses one minister. “When my children got on my nerves, I would say, ‘Well, I’ve got to make some calls,’ which was true — there are always calls to make — but I wasn’t being fair to my family.”
“A lot of ministry is fun — getting up in front of people, teaching them how to live their lives,” confesses another. “At times it’s a lot more fun than being home changing diapers. And if you’ve got an excuse to get out seven nights a week, I mean, what wife can argue with God? But that’s unfair.”
Perhaps because of the sad experiences of people like Bob Pierce, perhaps recognizing the basic unfairness of neglecting family to attend to ministry, the trend in more recent days seems to be going the other direction. More and more pastors are refocusing on the family.
In some cases, this can be healthy. As one minister put it: “I continually have to remind myself I am not indispensable, not personally responsible for the salvation of the world. I am responsible for touching the lives around me — especially my family.”
This approach, however, can be taken too far. Currently, the most sacrosanct reason for refusing church responsibilities is that “it would take away time that I need to give to my family.” Say that, and who can argue? End of conversation. The danger is that we can become selfishly myopic, turning our hearts toward home but our backs to the needs of the world.
A few years ago, Ben Patterson made a highly unpopular observation in Leadership: “More than once the command to go into all the world and make disciples has put a strain on family life. So has the call to be hospitable to strangers, visit the sick, feed the hungry, and clothe the naked. But today, Christians can avoid the problematic areas of discipleship in the name of sustaining family life. It is increasingly easy to justify extravagant expenditures on vacations, recreational vehicles, and home improvements because it ‘helps build the family.’ The truth of the matter is that the family has become a convenient excuse for turning our backs on other people. We want to be left alone to cultivate our own little patch of ground.”
Patterson has a point. But so do those who want to avoid the sad example of Bob Pierce. The challenge is to be faithful to both our family and our calling. The question becomes, “How?”
The Delicate Balance
Not long ago I was talking with a pastor who has helped bring renewal to his church and whose family seems to be healthy and strong. By outward appearances, he is doing both extremely well. But when I asked about how he balanced family and ministry, his answer surprised me.
“At any given point in my life,” he said, “I can feel good about my ministry or I can feel good about my involvement with my family, but I’m never able to feel good about them both at the same time.”
It’s a rare moment when we feel totally on top of both church and family responsibilities. Add the responsibility for personal spiritual growth into the mix, and it’s even rarer to feel everything is where it ought to be. We all know the surest way to induce guilt is to ask someone, “How’s your prayer life?” Ninety-nine percent of the answers will be “Not what it ought to be” or “I wish I could do more.”
An Episcopal rector from Washington, D.C., says, “In church ministry and family life, there’s always more to do than you possibly can. But that comes with the territory. That’s true of any person of vision and energy and drive. Lots of professional people are charged with tasks bigger than themselves. You have to learn to live with a certain lack of satisfaction.”
But learning to live with that sense of being continually behind doesn’t eliminate the problem. There are still decisions to be made about how we spend our time. How do we decide where we will concentrate our efforts?
Priorities Aren’t the Problem
Virtually every Christian today would say that the priorities in life are “God first, family second, and career third.” Some, I realize, would take issue with that order. One pastor wrote, “If family is second only to God, what does that say to the full third of our population that is single? God’s supreme will for us is holiness, not marriage and family. There is nothing distinctly Christian about a strong family. Buddhists have them, secular humanists have them, and, I presume, even the Mafia has them.”
I won’t take time to debate fully those issues. I’ll assume, based on the fact you’re reading a book on the family, that you give it high priority. For our purposes, let’s assume the “God first, family second, career third” list is legitimate. The problem is figuring out how to base our lives on our priorities. What does it mean to say God is first? How, specifically, do we put him first?
Perhaps you, like I, have heard people say, “The two surest gauges of your priorities are your calendar and your checkbook.” Does that mean we should spend more hours alone with God than we spend with family members? Or are we serving God by doing “God’s work”? If so, then is church work the way we put God first? Or is church work our “career,” a lower priority? The question of priorities easily slides into sophistry.
In addition, the pastor is responsible for two families: the church family and his natural family. Both are given by God. Both are means of serving God. As one pastor wrote: “The New Testament order is to see family life flowing out of the life of the church. The church doesn’t need the family; the family needs the church. The family must be planted in the soil of a vital Christian community if it is to bear the fruit it was meant to bear.” Thus, to work for the health of the family, we must work for the health of the church.
Perhaps the greatest problem with the “God first, family second, career third” perspective is that real-life situations can’t be quite so neatly arranged. Responsibilities simply don’t line up first-second-third. At different times, God, family, and career must each be given our full attention. The issue becomes: When does God deserve my full attention? When does my family deserve my full attention? When does the church deserve my full attention? In practice, priorities can’t be stacked like blocks.
To put it another way, we can’t watch three shows — no matter how good — at once. So constantly we’re forced to ask, Which channel do I turn to? And for how long?
How much time should I spend alone with God? Too little time and I shrivel spiritually. But too much time alone can be an escape from other God-given responsibilities.
Likewise, too much time with family can be seen as laziness. One associate pastor repeatedly showed up late to the office and took extra days off without the board’s permission. His reason: “It’s important to me to spend time with my family.” The board members agreed wholeheartedly; they decided to relieve him of his responsibilities (and salary) so he could find another position more in line with his priorities.
On a lighter note, a recent New Yorker cartoon shows a woman hanging up the phone, her children standing around with horrified expressions. She’s saying, “Bad news, kids. Dad just quit his job to spend more time with the family.” Even family members aren’t always sure just how much they want Dad around.
And, yes, too much time can be spent on church work. “There’s nothing more intoxicating than the adrenaline released by running a smooth operation,” says Wayne Jacobsen of The Savior’s Community in Visalia, California. “I’ve been in a position where eight decisions demanded my immediate attention, with two phone calls holding and a counseling appointment in the lobby. It’s exhilarating, and the appreciation expressed by many people for our efforts is part of the brew — but the rush of personal importance has nothing to do with the affirmation of the Spirit.” No, serving the church is not necessarily serving God.
God, family, career — each is important. None can be neglected.
I asked one pastor how he balanced family time with church work, and he said, “With difficulty! Whichever one I’m concentrating on, my conscience tells me I should be spending more time on the other.”
Right now, I’m away from my family writing this book about family life, an irony that hasn’t been lost on me, nor on my wife, Susan. You, in turn, are reading this chapter, and in so doing, you are not at this moment involved in deep and meaningful interaction with your family. And yet, I’m convinced (and I trust you are, too) that this exercise is worth the investment. Both my family and yours will be strengthened because of the time we’ve put into this book.
The point of all this? Simply that it’s difficult to define when we’re serving God, when we’re serving the family, and when we’re serving our career. That’s true of pipefitters who work for the glory of God and the sustenance of their families; it’s even more true of pastors who work in the church.
The issue is not simply getting priorities in the right order; it’s fitting them together and finding room for them all. And that challenge never ends — even for a family specialist like James Dobson. “I must admit that the problem of balancing career, church, and family is a constant struggle,” he says. “It is rarely possible to realign priorities once and for all. An imbalance can occur in a matter of days. The moment I relax and congratulate myself for having practiced what I preach, I tend to say yes a few times when I should have said no — and suddenly I’m overworked again.”
Instead of seeing God, church, and family as competing demands, I find it helpful to imagine church and family as the two seats of a teeter-totter, and God as the fulcrum underneath. We aren’t expected to sit in both seats simultaneously (though we may find ourselves, like daring kids, standing somewhere in the middle with a foot on each side of the balance point). The amount of weight we need to place on either side is determined by our God-measured priorities. Where we place our energies at a particular time will vary, depending on where we’re needed most.
But all our efforts, whether with the church or our families, are undergirded by the Lord. He is the pivot point for both family life and church life.
Whether we’re concentrating on the church or focusing on the family, our task is to make the most of our efforts. There are a number of helps for maximizing our efforts in ministry. (One of them, of course, is Leadership, a journal I’m a bit partial toward.) But I’ve not found many resources directed at pastors who want to maximize their efforts with their families. So let’s turn our attention to that concern.
Copyright ©1988 Christianity Today
