Memoirs of a Move - Christianity Today

Father, I’m confused again. I get so excited sharing the vision of this church. How could I ever seriously think about leaving?

“Where’s the compelling reason?” my accountability partner asked. He was struggling to understand why I would consider leaving for a different pastorate.

Frankly, so was I.

After 11 years of rewarding ministry at Browncroft Community Church in Rochester, New York, the church was strong. We had a great vision for the future. My wife, Becky, was recovering from cancer surgery. Our children were in excellent schools, and they were in a good place spiritually. We had just built a new home.

It didn’t make sense to uproot and start all over again on the opposite side of the country. But why did we feel this nagging restlessness and the mysterious intuition that God was up to something?

We prayed for several days after receiving a letter from the church in San Diego. Becky and I concluded God was prompting us to respond with a cautious openness. God wasn’t asking us to move across the country and start all over again. He was only asking us to send a resume.

In my journal I began to list the questions I grappled with. I wasn’t interested in another ministry, but I needed to know what God was doing inside of me.

December 10

God, we don’t want to start down this road if you’re not in it. If this is just another opportunity for ministry, we don’t want it. If for any reason this is not about obedience, we’d rather pass. If you are in this, you’re going to have to make it very clear. Like Peter on the Sea of Galilee: “Lord, if it’s you, command me to come” (Matt. 14:28).

December 18

If the most important thing in life is to bring glory to God, does it really matter where I serve Him? Is God most glorified when I am most delighted in Him? Is He most glorified when I am most trusting in Him? Does bringing glory to God have any bearing on which church I pastor? In which ministry am I more likely to bring greater glory to God? How can I know? I have been thinking about this a lot lately.

When is it right to turn down a ministry opportunity that clearly appears to offer the potential for greater impact for building the Kingdom? Is it ever right? Is there any kind of mechanism for measuring impact?

December 20

Compelling reason. What does it look like, Lord? How would I know if I have it? And just how necessary is it? I’m thankful that my “sounding board” of friends—Barry, Leighton, and Russ—have given me some concrete questions to ask. Now, Lord, I seek the answers.

I still have a vision for the future here. Becky and I are fulfilled. Our children are in a good place. I don’t have to move. So why do I feel this nagging restlessness, and why do I feel this vague sense of impending change? Would God ever call us to move on when there’s still more to be done?

I read this morning from Mark 1:36: “Simon and his companions hunted for him; and they found him and said, ‘Everyone is looking for you.'” (Clearly there was more work to be done!) “Jesus replied, ‘Let us go somewhere else to the towns nearby, in order that I may preach there also; for that is why I have come.'”

December 27

God, why am I even open to this idea? What’s influencing me to consider it? And how do I account for the part of me that desparately wants to shut it down?

Sift through my motives, Lord. Weed out anything that’s not from you. And—please, God—don’t let me make a mistake!

January 17, 2001

Good morning, Father. I’m confused again. I just taught a new members class. I got so excited sharing the vision of this church. How could I ever seriously think about leaving this place?

At the same time, I’m praising you for the wisdom and knowledge you possess. In the past, you’ve been faithful in directing our steps. I can count on you to do it again.

“Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable His judgments, and His paths beyond tracing out! Who has known the mind of the Lord?. … For from Him and through him and to Him are all things” (Rom. 11:33-35).

January 23

I’m not ready.

I simply can’t digest the thought of moving across the country and starting all over again. But I have this odd thought: God isn’t asking us to move across the country and start all over again. He’s only asking us to stay open and take the next little step.

I think we can do that, Lord!

January 29

God, I’ve never been into “fleeces,” but if you could just show us some inkling or hint that you are preparing our children for this change, it would make us a little more open to the idea.

Lord, I don’t want to jeopardize the spiritual welfare of our children. If they can’t see that you are calling us to this ministry, I’m going to end it. The last thing I want is to jeopardize the spiritual welfare of my children.

February 17

God, I’m ready now. Ready to get out of the boat of my comfort and security. I’m ready to step over the side on the gunwale. The waters are uncertain—but I think it’s you.

After John Ortberg’s message on getting out of the boat at the National Pastors Convention, I stood up as a sign of my willingness to venture out. Suddenly, I felt an incredible sense of relief. Don’t know what to make of it, Lord. But I know I’m willing now.

No matter the cost. No matter the fear.

February 25

Wow, God! Becky and I were blown away tonight! Up until this evening the kids knew nothing about our conversations with College Avenue Baptist. We were amazed that you made it possible for us to bring them on vacation to San Diego this week. But we were more amazed at what happened a couple hours ago.

After we took them to CABC’s “Flood” service, we expected the kids to offer their usual, negative comparisons with the church back home. But then one blurted out, “Dad, someone should put in your name at this church!”

Becky’s eyes met mine. It was time to let the genie out of the bottle.

Explaining to the kids what was going on was like standing on holy ground. One after another the kids said things like: “God has prepared my heart for this,” and, “I’m afraid. But I think God is in it.”

We wept. We laughed. We prayed. God, you answered our prayer. Becky and I can’t believe the way the kids responded. It’s got to be you!

March 6

I feel like Bartimaeus sitting beside the road to Jericho (Mark 10:46-52). Everyone else on that road had a sense of direction, but Bartimaeus didn’t know if he was coming or going. He wasn’t able to come or go. He was paralyzed by his blindness. Lord, I am unable to come or go. Unable to decide, paralyzed by my own blindness.

As Bartimaeus shouted, you sent your messengers to say, “Cheer up, on your feet. He’s calling you.”

I wonder how long my friends and confidantes will put up with my waffling. Lord, thanks for the messengers you’ve placed in my life. Speak through Barry, Leighton, and Russ.

April 2

If it’s not to brazen of me to ask, how about just one more convincing sign?

The search committee chair has told us that not even the apostle Paul could get a unanimous vote from the leadership of the church. So did the board chair. They tell me it has nothing to do with me, just some previous issues.

Becky and I have decided that if there’s even one negative vote among the leadership, we’ll say no to anything further.

I hope we’re right on this, Lord.

Tonight I told our board chair about this line we’ve drawn in the sand.

April 19

Blew me away, God! The vote blew everyone away.

After that marathon meeting with the search committee and board, when they dismissed us to carry on their discussion, I asked them to call us after we’d gone home. I figured it would be easier to end this relationship from a distance if the vote wasn’t unanimous.

But Dan from the committee couldn’t wait till then. When he called us this morning while I was driving to the airport, I had to pull the car to the side of the road. Becky and I were weeping and holding one another. “Enthusiastic unanimity,” he said!

Four weeks later, Becky and I formally candidated for the new congregation. They voted an overwhelming voice of support.

The next Sunday, I shared the painful news with our beloved church family in New York. In June our house was sold—within 24 hours of going on the market, and for more than our asking price! We began our new ministry at CABC on August 1, 2001.

Shortly before leaving for California, I spent a night in a monastery, reflecting on the decision and immersing myself in an essay by Cardinal Bernardin.

July 11, 2001

In his book, The Gift of Peace, Cardinal Bernardin reflects on his life goal—”to let go of self and trust in you.” I’ve been thinking about what that means for me, Lord. I want to let go of my self-absorbed mental wrangling and trust you to simply carry me through to your calling.

Forgive me for engaging in the “yeast of the Pharisees.”I do believe, but help me with my unbelief.

Since then, reflecting on our journey of decision has provided a constant source of strength for my family and me, especially as we move beyond the honeymoon period in our new ministry.

After a particularly rough day of ministry, our 18-year-old son who attends college in New York sent me an e-message. It read, “Dad, remember the miracles.”

Enough said, my son. Enough said.

Steve Harling pastors College Avenue Baptist Church, San Diego, California.