They Live Together and Attend Your Church

Michael rushed up to me just before morning worship, his face alight with excitement and joy. “Guess what?” he gushed. “Annette wants to be baptized!”

My stomach tightened. My friendly grin suddenly developed rigor mortis. This couple had been living together for nearly a year and attending our church for a few months. Now they wanted a full relationship with God through Christ and a full relationship with the church. What should I do about their obvious and continuing sin?

I told them I’d be happy to talk it over with them.

Michael and Annette seemed to step into our church out of a TV drama. They are intelligent, attractive, and accomplished young professionals who quickly and casually decided to move in together, untroubled by moral questions. We soon began a Bible study together and developed a friendship that drove me to learn more about such couples.

Annette and Michael mirror a growing slice of society and an increasing challenge within the church. Young adults are intentionally delaying or forgoing marriage. The average age for first time marriages is 25 for women and 27 for men. Polls show many consider marriage a risky economic prospect, assuming that a quite likely first-marriage divorce will bankrupt them. For such vow-shy twenty-somethings, living together seems a convenient stopover on the way to later, legitimate family.

Michael and Annette came to our church only because we were in their neighborhood. Even though I grew to love them personally, I was not confident about their future. My experiences with such couples did not tend toward optimism.

Smiling tensely at Michael that Sunday morning, I hoped I wouldn’t see a repeat of Robert and Kristen.

The ones that got away

We met Robert and Kristen though a church outreach program. They seemed excited and interested in making Christ the center of their lives. When it became obvious that they were living together with no plans to change the situation, I sat down with them to talk. My advice was not well received.

“We’re glad you’re with us and excited about our future together, but I have to discuss a delicate matter with you.” I took a deep breath and dived in. “Surely you know that God isn’t pleased with your living arrangements. His plan is for people to be married or else remain apart. He’s not OK with unmarried people sleeping together.”

Kristen shot a glance at Robert and blurted, “I’m ready to get married whenever he says.”

A flat, vaguely hostile stare shuttered Robert’s expression. He said nothing.

“I’m not trying to tell you that you must get married,” I pressed on. “I’m saying that it is not God’s will for people to live together without being married. Maybe it would be better for you to move into separate quarters until you decide whether you want to be married.”

Robert carefully bit off each word. “I’m not ready to make that decision right now.” He was finished with this conversation.

In my most sympathetic tone I responded, “Well, it’s a decision that you both need to examine. I know that you can’t remain in a right condition with God if you are going to persist in this arrangement.”

Kristen sniffed and dabbed at her eyes as they walked out into the sunshine. That Robert clearly intended no commitment deeply wounded her. Two more worship services over the next month were all they could muster before they left us, still living together in an uneasy and unhappy accommodation.

Talking in a fair way

The situation with Michael and Annette was a bit different. Michael and I discovered we shared a passion for golf. Michael is a superb golfer. It was on the course, after another of his pro-style drives, that we began to approach his living arrangements with serious intent.

“I wish I could hammer the ball the way you do!” I repeated for the sixth time that day.

He glanced back at me and replied, “Well, I wish I could get my life with God straightened out.”

He covered the clubhead and slid the driver back into his bag. “I mean,” he sighed, “we study the Bible together, and I know what I need to do, but I don’t get it done.”

“Changing your life is never convenient,” I agreed. “Some sins you can eliminate quickly and easily; others you’ll struggle with for years before you detect any progress. Some things are sinful until you do them God’s way. For example, your living arrangements with Annette are wrong now, but if you marry, that problem is resolved.”

He nodded. “We’ve talked about marriage, but that’s a big commitment, and we’re not sure we’re ready for that right now.”

“I understand that it’s scary,” I replied, “but you have to remember that a marriage based on Christ can be everything it’s supposed to be. Marriages without Christ are the ones that are in greatest danger. And it’s going to be hard to maintain a commitment to God if we can’t maintain a commitment to a spouse who we see all the time.”

“All I know is, I can see the kind of life I want, and I’m not getting it right now,” he said darkly.

We headed back to the clubhouse, and I waited for another opportunity to speak to the issue.

Prevailing assumptions

I’ve been surprised to learn that many people today do not realize that cohabitation is morally wrong. One woman discussed her struggle with minor sins, then casually lumped in her four-year live-in relationship. She remarked, “That, I think, is considered a sin.”

These couples may realize that they have disappointed their parents and adopted a nontraditional lifestyle, but calling cohabitation “sin” puts the matter in a new light. Examining God’s plan for our lives in Scripture helps them to understand that he is interested in their whole lives, not just their Sunday observance.

I’ve also discovered when I tell a couple cohabitation is wrong, a new tension is introduced into their relationship.

In a Bible study session after my fairway conversation with Michael, the subject came up again. Annette vented some frustration and settled back in sullen reproach, then I ventured a conciliatory word.

“I know this is hard,” I said, “and talking about it throws a chill over your whole relationship. You want to be right with God, but your time together reminds you of failure, not victory.”

Michael muttered, “You don’t even know.” At that point we had been friends long enough that he was willing to hear the truth from me.

I’ve learned that long-term friendship is crucial. When I approached Robert and Kristen very early in our acquaintance, their response was predictably self-interested. They did not know me well enough to trust that I had their good at heart. By developing a genuine friendship with Michael and Annette, I demonstrated that they were very important to me. The biblical principles I revealed to them were not for my comfort and benefit, but theirs.

The deepening of our friendship required deeper courage from me. Out of loyalty to Christ, we must speak to living arrangements that will keep people away from a full and unhindered relationship with him. Even gentle firmness may drive away some couples, but compromising moral truth will be my own failure as well as theirs. Even those who reject it will respect us for telling them the truth.

The ring of truth

I stood in front of Michael and Annette and spoke of the fearful nature of commitment, how it binds us to one another and makes us vulnerable. I spoke of the transforming power of Christ and how he sanctifies and confirms our vows. I spoke of the joy of surrender and the grace of submission.

I don’t think they heard much of it. Annette was gorgeous in her wedding gown, and Michael looked like a formalwear advertisement.

He picked up the ring and slid it on her finger, looked intensely into her face and repeated, “This ring I give you in token and pledge of our constant faith and abiding love.”

They embraced and gently kissed, and I smiled as I presented the newlyweds to their assembled guests. Few in attendance that day realized that their trip up the aisle took more than a year, conquering several personal and spiritual hurdles. All they knew was that a beautiful young couple was starting a new life together.

And they were doing it God’s way.

Chris Stinnett is minister of Park & Seminole Church of Christ in Seminole, Oklahoma. ckstinnett@aol.com