Rubbing Out the Singles Pastor - Christianity Today

Yes, it seems ironic, but Tony Soprano has become a mentor to me, teaching me about the church and the kind of pastor I want to become.

There is no evidence of redemption in his life. His marriage is fragile at best, and he is always about an episode away from a complete breakdown. But I love the man. That’s why I keep coming back for more, me and the millions who watch “The Sopranos,” HBO’s popular series about a New Jersey Mafia family. As I’ve journeyed with this fictional mob boss, here’s what I’ve learned:

Integrate the familyTony knows that any family member in isolation is vulnerable; it’s suicide. You don’t advance in the business by working on your own. Learning comes from your own experience and from people further down the road than you. Tony Soprano has his nephew Christopher, an associate, ride with Paulie, a captain, to learn the ropes of the family business. And in this business, Tony says, “we’re soldiers.” A soldier should learn from the captain, and a captain from the under-boss and consigliere.The same is true at Tony’s home; all family members sit down to share dinner together. Three generations of Sopranos break bread and share life on a daily basis. This is a sacred time and tardiness is not acceptable. There would never be a children’s table in the Soprano household. It is a time when all business is put aside to be together.This simple truth has been lost in the church, and it may be our greatest weakness.The single young people who fill (or used to fill) our communities live in fear and ignorance when it comes to marital issues. Many come from broken homes and have no concept of a healthy family.So what is the church’s response to these people? We separate them out to lead one another like blind guides. Who will teach them how to deal with the difficulties that come with love relationships? The Singles Pastor?These people (along with everyone else) should have a seat at the family table. Life is lived with the whole family, not at the kid’s table.
Treat every member with respectAt Ecclesia, we do not separate people according to marital status. When people do eventually marry, they have spent an enormous amount of time with families in the church body, and family life is familiar. The difficulties of the husband-wife relationship have been examined closely, and redemption has been seen and experienced.If you currently do 20 funerals for every wedding and the thought of your church dying under its current leaders rings as a reality in your head, then by all means do not throw your money away by hiring a pastor for all the single people that you have (or want to have) in your fellowship. This is an ineffective plan for church growth. I can promise that bad things will happen if you do. You will corrupt the few healthy non-married people left in your church, or you will scare them away.Either they will acquiesce: “I love having a singles pastor. It’s like offering a social coordinator on a cruise ship. I think the church should hire people to meet all my felt needs for the rest of my life.” This is disaster! We have created consumers for all our programs; and if we ever fail to deliver, the consumer will be off to look for a better product.Or they will be disgusted: “The only holy and sacred place in my life has turned into a meat market, and the oddballs are coming from churches all over town to try to pick me up.” And that’s the best-case scenario. Church kids are the only people drawn to a singles program. Believe me, they won’t come to serve, tithe, and be a part of the body. They are just there to get a date.Hiring a singles pastor in 2002 is like wearing bell-bottoms in the ’80’s, Izod shirts in the ’90’s, or joining the Mariah Carey fan club in the new millennium. The last thing non-married people need is a pastor specialist reminding them that they’re single. It would make more sense to hire one pastor for engineers and another for artists—or for smokers and non-smokers, lovers of Radiohead and lovers of Neil Diamond—than to hire one pastor for marrieds and another for pre-marrieds.Okay, so you already have a singles pastor. Or worse (my apologies), you are a singles pastor. What do you do? Make some changes, and start with the title. Almost anything would be better. Develop opportunities for the whole body. Begin to shepherd the entire church. You have gifts that should be shared in other areas as opportunities grow.When we begin age-segregating our family, all natural discipleship is minimized (if not eliminated). The younger and unmarried should be right alongside mom and dad at the table of faith, engaging the mysteries of the gospel as a family.
Watch your mouthOkay, so Tony tends to throw out a lot of four-letter words. He strings sentences together that would make Andrew Dice Clay blush. It’s what you would expect from the leader of an infamous crime family and owner of the Bada-Bing, a strip-club and mob hangout. Language is a tool Tony uses to evoke a desired response.About language, the church has to ask some hard questions about the words we use. We may find that they do not result in our desired response.Near a large apartment mega-complex that houses thousands of young professionals in Dallas’s lower Greenville is a graying traditional church. This historic church is in the hotbed of urban activity, but there is literally no one under 40 in the church.I recommended the church begin a new service with the autonomy of a church plant. To publicize the new service, we contacted the apartment mega-plex about advertising in a publicity packet they distribute monthly. The flyers are generally for pizza delivery, hair salons, and the like. The only restriction included with this paid service is that we not use a word often seen as offensive to many residents—single.Don’t use the “s” word.It rings with tones of solo, isolated, or alone. Targeting people without spouses is considered offensive, and they wanted it to be clear that non-married people are not missing something. In trendy lower Greenville, “single” is an offensive word, yet it is used frequently in most churches.For God’s sake, take it out of your dictionary! Emerging generations see marriage as an option: “If I choose to marry, it will likely be later in life. Marital status is no longer the primary lens used to define who I am.”In fact, it is the worst one.

Chris Seay is founding pastor of Ecclesia, a postmodern church in Houston, Texas.