The Emotions of Conflict - Christianity Today

“I certainly see your point,”

Pastor Brown said. He kept his voice carefully modulated. Only his clenched hands betrayed his agitation, and neither Elder Peters nor Elder Roberts noticed.

“I’m really glad you’re on our side, Pastor,” Peters said, getting up from the couch. “I was afraid that this foolish proposal to turn an entire room over to the youth was going to be passed. I’m glad we’ll avoid that mistake.”

The pastor hadn’t actually said he would support efforts to block the room conversion. What he said was, “I’ll speak to the youth advisers and emphasize the need to keep the room flexible.”

“I knew we could count on you,” Roberts said as the two men left the pastor’s office.

Carl Brown’s mind flashed back to the conversation he’d had that morning with Tracy, who chaired the Christian education committee. The youth group had outgrown their small classroom. The committee planned for the teens to switch rooms with the dwindling adult Bible study and let the group decorate the much larger room to suit their tastes. The decision hadn’t yet been presented to the church board and already there was movement by a few longtime members to derail the change. Tracy made a strong case for the importance of youth ministry and the need to show the youth how much the church valued them.

“I can see your point,” Carl had told her.

“I’m grateful for your encouragement and support, Carl. I knew that you were a progressive leader,” Tracy bubbled.

Carl didn’t know where all this would end, but he knew he didn’t want to be around when these two forces collided.

Caught in the middle

Pastors find themselves in these positions all too often. Both sides are committed to “doing the right thing.” Both sides see the pastor’s support as essential to their victory. In an effort to be a peacemaker, the pastor listens, attempts to understand, and soon is assumed to be an ally.

When the parties meet, one, and possibly both, will believe that the pastor has betrayed them. They may even spread the opinion that the pastor is not to be trusted.

Why? Pastors usually want to be perceived as friendly and helpful. We want to avoid the conflict. We know lots of stories in which conflict destroyed a church. We have seen doctrinal arguments drive members away. We have seen conflicts split fellowship groups. We have seen disagreement over building projects weaken church finances. And we have seen fellow ministers driven out of their churches.

Conflict quickly becomes harmful when the parties see themselves in competition for some scarce resource. In one church, conflict arose when a new Sunday school class on parenting was offered for those having difficulty with their children. The Christian education committee designed and announced the class without informing the teachers of the current adult classes. The teachers saw the new class as competing with them for young couples. They began by grumbling and later moved to sabotage. The new class never got off the ground, and the ministry opportunity was lost.

Why we shy away

Pastors will sometimes go to great lengths to avoid conflict. Some become quite adept at taking cover when they see storm clouds on the horizon. These weather watchers use several techniques: they refuse to get involved, they redirect the combatants, or sometimes they simply sit tight and wait for the storm to blow over. They’ve learned to listen to all sorts of terrible accusations, some quite personal, and reply, “Thank you for your opinion.”

This posture is built on several assumptions:

All conflict is negative. Due to experience with destructive conflict, many people believe that the fault lies with the conflict itself.
People are always hurt by conflict. If God doesn’t want people to be hurt, then God must not like conflict. Pastors assume, therefore, that they must still the angry waves just as Jesus did on the Sea of Galilee.
People cannot be trusted to handle conflict. Perhaps because of past experience, some pastors assume that conflict will get personal, so it is better kept out of the hands of amateurs.

Fear of conflict makes their perception a self-fulfilling prophecy. If experience says conflict is always harmful, then the pattern is repeated, either by commission or avoidance. These mistakes create the very harm the pastor feared. People are hurt. The church is weakened.

But these assumptions are false. In reality, conflict is often necessary and may have positive results.

Battling the bear

Whenever a new idea is born and change occurs, there will be some level of conflict. Start a new Sunday school class and the old ones feel devalued. Change the worship service and someone complains they no longer feel the Spirit’s presence.

Of course, never changing also produces conflict as members complain of boring programs and lack of leadership. Conflict is not the issue; it is how the conflict is handled that determines whether the outcome is constructive or destructive.

The initial place where we must wrestle conflict is inside ourselves. Many clergy begin by going to seminars and conferences on conflict-management theory. There are many helpful insights to be gained. Strategies can be learned, resolutions planned. Yet, these clergy go home and find that nothing changes. They have developed the techniques to handle conflict, but not the character.

Handling conflict is a lot like dealing with animals. I vacationed in northern California this year and discovered park rangers and tourists were taking many precautions for bears. One flyer said, “If attacked by a bear, lie face down, fold your arms over your head, and spread your legs. Above all, stay calm.” STAY CALM?! A bear swats me with its paw, trying to roll me over to see if I’m dead, and they expect me to stay calm?

Yes, the animal experts insist. If we’re agitated, we increase the risk of an attack. It’s the same with bears, dogs, and committees. We must stay calm in the midst of conflict to face it effectively. That becomes difficult when fear is shouting in our heads, “Swat the bear!” and we fall back on familiar fight-or-flight tactics.

If you’ve taken a swing at the bear recently, you may need to investigate how well you handle conflict. Ask those closest to you. Your spouse knows much about your character that you haven’t been told yet. A close friend or associate can help. Ask how you handle conflict in your relationship. Ask if you waffle on issues that may be uncomfortable. Do you say difficult things in a constructive fashion?

If you detect serious problems handling conflict or avoiding it, consider professional counseling. I recently found myself exploring this in therapy. An incident had caused almost uncontrollable anger and I needed to discover the source. I found, buried in my childhood, an incident of injustice toward a weaker person that had stayed with me throughout my adult life. I was responding to an event from 30 years ago.

Knowing why I get ticked off may not change my initial response, but it makes me aware of an early warning system when I feel my anger rising. I feel better prepared for the next time Elders Roberts and Peters stop by.

Simple bear necessities

These eruptions usually come with little warning. The handshake at the door is accompanied not by “nice sermon” but by “we need to talk.” You feel the air move next to your cheek as the bear’s claws barely miss your face. Now it’s your turn to speak. There are several things you can do to improve your response.

1. Identify your conflict triggers. Our bodies have helpful early-warning systems. Some people clench their jaws. Some get butterflies, others get headaches. These are signs that you feel you are approaching conflict and should take action. Counselors refer to it as the flight versus fight syndrome. Listen to these body changes and learn what they mean for you. This will help you to act rather than react. Do not let impulse control your decision-making. By identifying the feelings and their source, you gain a certain amount of control.

2. Reframe your perspective. The prompting to fight results from seeing the conflict as competition. Instead of a win-lose situation, view it as a problem-solving opportunity in which all parties are on the same side: God’s side. Most of the time, they are.

If the pastor takes the approach that each party really wants the same goal—to honor God and further his kingdom—a spirit of cooperation may be fostered. We neither have to fight (meaning someone will lose) nor flee (in which we abdicate our pastoral responsibility). Instead, both parties begin to see themselves on the same side. Of course, this is the ideal situation and assumes combatants are willing to have their conflict redefined as a problem. This isn’t possible in every case, but it is a good goal.

3. Enlist others to help you. Sit down with a trusted adviser and replay the situation for them. Do it early in the process before the conflict gets too deep. They can help you clarify the issues and identify your part in the conflict. They also can help you understand if, like Carl, you are giving mixed signals to the two sides.

4. Seek out a spiritual adviser or mentor. This may be a professional counselor or a trained colleague. Go to this person on a regular basis to discuss your mental, emotional and spiritual health. There doesn’t need to be a present crisis. There only needs to be a commitment to improvement and growth on your part. Regular sessions with an adviser will build your resources for handling conflict in every aspect of your life. It is a great way to lay hold of the abundant life that Christ promises us.

5. Create an internal reservoir of peace. Many pastors fuel their ministries with adrenaline. This eventually results in burn out. In this condition, you are unable to deal with conflict constructively. You don’t have the energy. Time with God will replenish your strength. Time gives us perspective to keep the big picture before us. Immediate response, without adequate emotional reserves, only digs the hole deeper. Learn to distinguish between delaying tactics and prayerful waiting.

I took a stand

Years ago in a previous church, one of the elders of the church was having a hard time dealing with my wife.

“You need to control your wife!” he told me. My wife is an outspoken woman with a strong personality and her own ideas on ministry. Control my wife? He apparently didn’t know my wife.

As soon as he pronounced his ultimatum, I felt the clenching of my stomach. I knew I could get rid of him by making some appropriate noise about speaking to her about the matter, but that would have led to the false assumption that I agreed with him. Instead, I spoke to him and to the issue directly. “I appreciate my wife just as she is,” I told him calmly and firmly. “I support her independence, and I will not make any attempt to curtail her behavior.

“If you have a problem with my wife, take it up with her.”

He sputtered at me for a few more minutes, repeating his demand. When I refused to budge, he made a threat and left. That was, however, the last I heard about that subject. I am happy to report that my relationship with that elder did not disintegrate. In fact, 15 years later, we still keep in touch.

Conflict cannot—and should not—be ignored. If left alone, it will not go away. It only grows. Pastors who handle conflict in a direct fashion will find that it can even be used to the advantage of their congregations.

Richard Paul Minnich is pastor at First Presbyterian Church of Ogden, Utah.