PEOPLE SKILLS
My computer monitor glowed like the luminescent eye of a sinister Cyclops. The evil cyber-voice seemed to cackle as it announced, “You’ve got mail.”
Ah, but what kind of mail had come through my virtual door slot? When will some enterprising computer geek develop software to identify incoming correspondence? Something like, “You’ve got a note of appreciation from a congregational admirer,” or at least, “You’ve got hate mail.” After all, a man needs to prepare himself.
I clicked on the mailbox icon. My screen filled with dozens of replies to my most recent weekly congregational e-mail. Most were expressions of affirmation or chatty rambling greetings from Internet novices.
A few, however, bore the sinister markings of the virtual critic. The subject lines were tantalizing in their artful negativity: “You must be confused” or a somewhat less subtle, “Disappointed by recent sermon.”
I always click first on the obviously negative e-mail. Better to take the medicine quickly. I grit my teeth and dive in, ego-first.
“I am concerned about the recent shallowness in your messages … “
“Why don’t you do more to highlight my ministry? I am considering transferring elsewhere … “
Ah, the joy of such correspondence! Criticism is not new to any experienced pastor. One would think that after 20 years of ministry, I would simply see criticism as a consequence of my calling. But my “crit” mail has recently seen an alarming increase.
“Why?” I wondered. After all, things could not be much better. Attendance is up. Believers’ baptisms are setting new records. Financial giving is at an all-time high. So what gives?
The answer lies largely in a great idea we had this past year. Why not interact weekly with our congregation by means of the Internet? We could enhance our church community with e-community.
So the adventure began. The weekly e-mails have spawned some exciting online chats in a virtual place we call “The Deck.” People are able to connect, regardless of age, disability, or geographic barriers. We even include a missionary who is serving in a restricted access nation where it is difficult publicly to enjoy casual Christian conversation.
There is, however, a serious downside to virtual communities. They spawn virtual critics. The virtual critic is a person who might feel uncomfortable verbalizing his complaint face-to-face, but who feels perfectly at home doing so via e-mail.
Why “virtual critics” abound There are several reasons why the Internet seems to multiply the critics.
1. It’s an easy way to communicate. “Snail mail” criticism requires stationery, envelope, stamp, and a trip to the mailbox. Not so with e-mail. With a few keyboard strokes, points, and clicks, an e-critic is instantly wired to deliver a virtual sucker punch to my tender ego. Who knew that being on the cutting edge of technology could be so cutting? E-mail is an easy and convenient way either to affirm or assault.
2. It’s fast. Critics of yesteryear could never be quite sure when their intended targets would read their mail. But everyone in my church knows I check my e-mail several times daily. It is possible to absorb several salvos of textual artillery in a single day.
Why, the dedicated techno-geek pastor can complete an entire e-mail cycle (read, send reply, read follow-up, send follow-up response) in a single afternoon.
I recall one embarrassing gaffe I committed during our middle worship hour message. By the time I arrived home there was an e-mail—from Chicago—asking me to clarify my verbal blunder committed in Colorado Springs. The Internet is indeed fast.
3. It’s safe. The sender subconsciously tends to view his screen name as only one step removed from an alias. This protective layer of virtual armor shields the writer from direct contact. He is not John Q. Christian who lives at 232 Oak Lane in Colorado Springs, but instead “JQC123@aol.com.” He may have several virtual identities; in fact, he may not even be a “he” at all!
There is no handwriting to analyze, no tone of voice to monitor, no body language to interpret, no eye contact to maintain. There is not even a signature to lend a unique personal imprint.
I regularly receive e-mail that gives me no clue as to the full name of the writer. Could it be that there is an obscure Web site—”howtomake-yourpastorcrazy.com”?
It would not surprise me.
Virtual criticism is easy, fast, and safe. The key issue, of course, is how to cope with the virtual critic.
Responding to unseen critics My first step is to discipline myself to read critical e-mail with an open mind. The person who has written actually believes he is obeying at least a quasi-biblical pattern of confrontation.
So I ask myself, “Is there any validity wrapped up in this rather sour smelling communication?” There often is, even if the manner in which it barges into your world is a bit obnoxious.
One recent note slammed me for using “frivolous humor on the platform.” As I pondered the criticism, the realization struck that he was right. I do tend to overdo the humorous side of the homiletic art.
Essential to an open-minded response to criticism is prayer. Precede any ingestion of criticism with wisdom-seeking prayer (James 1:5). Such a prayer will honor God and help you derive any benefit from the criticism.
According to Samuel Johnson, an 18th-century British writer, an occasional stab of criticism can actually do us some good. He said, “Criticism is a study by which men grow formidable and important at very small expense.” Virtual criticism may well be a tool of sanctification in God’s hands.
A second step in responding to e-critics is to look for subtle cues that reveal their own pain and frustration.
One young mother wrote to me a scathing discourse following a Mothers’ Day service. I had not adequately recognized mothers in difficult circumstances, she informed me. She sounded like a woman frustrated in a struggling marriage. I responded with a gentle and soothing e-mail thanking her for her contact.
Sure enough, just last week this sweet-but-struggling young mother introduced herself to me, apologized for her note, and poured out her story.
Third, when dealing with out-of-line critics, it is appropriate to send back a direct and prompt reply. In fact, it is wise to respond to all e-criticism. I invest several hours each week responding to between 50 and 100 e-mails (not all of them critical). That sounds like a lot of time, but it provides a way to affirm and touch my flock in a way that would otherwise be impossible. Without exception, they appreciate my response.
When replying to negative e-mail, always include exact quotes of outrageous or exaggerated statements. Many critics are simply too quick on the trigger and fire off a note without benefit of reflection on what they are saying. When that person reads your gentle reply in the context of his nastiness, he often experiences a virtual awakening.
I recently interacted with a person who was nothing short of exasperating in her criticism of our ushers. Within a few hours after I replied to her and included her offending phrases, I received a lengthy and contrite “e-apology.” A direct, loving, and timely manner is the best way to respond to the virtual critic.
Last, ask to meet face-to-face with your critics. The visit need not be formal. In fact, I have found it best to meet briefly at the front of the auditorium after a service.
My simple desire to meet is often all it takes to transform a critic-in-the-weeds into a comrade-in-arms. The most vicious cyber-crocodile usually turns out face-to-face to be a hurting cyber-lamb who is simply hungry for a little love, affection, and attention from a flesh-and-blood shepherd.
Armin Sommer is pastor of Pulpit Rock Church 301 Austin Bluffs Colorado Springs, CO 80918
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