When Words Abuse

Something else must be going on, thought Pastor Seth Johnson. My most trusted elder certainly is no wife abuser.

For weeks he had stewed over the news Marge, Don’s wife, had dumped on him before she left the hospital after a hysterectomy. Marge said Don had never hit her, but the way he treated her during their marriage was emotionally abusive.

She must have simply been emotional, Seth thought. She and Don had probably argued about something. That, plus the stress of cancer, probably pushed her over the edge—Don didn’t seem like the person who would call his wife “hippo” and “double-butt” and make her document every detail of her day, as Marge had reported.

Seth hated confrontation, but he knew Don well enough to bring up the issue. He met Don at the Original Pancake House, their regular haunt.

“Sorry I’m late,” said Don as he slid into the booth. He ordered the standard: Swedish pancakes with coffee, black.

“Is Marge doing okay after her surgery?”

“I think so,” Don said. “The prognosis is good, and she seems to be gaining strength.”

Seth paused. “She said something strange to me before she left the hospital. I think you need to know what it was. She said that during most of your marriage you’ve been emotionally abusive to her.”

“She was probably referring to some lovers’ quarrel we had long ago. Every couple has them.”

“Uh, yeah, you’re probably right,” said Seth, “but she talked about name calling and your forcing her to keep a log. She sounded as if that was recent.”

“The log is nothing,” Don said. “I ask her to keep track of what she does during the day. I take a leadership role at home. I’m the head of my wife just as Christ is the head of the church, right? I’ve always treated Marge like a delicate flower.”

Seth changed the subject. Don had a point, and he didn’t seem defensive. In the eight years Seth had known Don, he had always seemed loving toward his wife. Seth felt torn. He wanted to drop the issue and toyed with treating the whole situation with benign neglect.

Picture imperfect marriage

Seth had been caught off guard at the hospital when Marge burst into tears and began to unload on him about her 25-year marriage. Marge said Don told her she was too stupid to manage money. At one point he took away her credit cards and checkbook and forced her to keep a daily log of her activities, including what she fed their four children and whom she spoke to on the telephone. He made snide comments about her weight. And that was “only the tip of the iceberg,” Marge said.

Taken back, Seth asked her, “Why haven’t you said something before now?” Marge said she no longer feared Don’s constant threat to punish her if she exposed his behavior. “When you’re facing death,” she said, “you just stop caring about some things.”

While Don didn’t seem like an emotionally abusive husband, Marge didn’t seem like a liar.

The dilemma Seth faced is typical of pastors who take seriously the issue of emotional abuse within marriage and who desire to care pastorally for both the victim and the perpetrator.

Calm surface, violent deeps

Rarely is the issue of emotional abuse brought up to outsiders, and when it is, it can quickly degenerate into a he-said, she-said situation. Complicating the matter further, men who emotionally abuse their wives don’t look like abusers; they often are regarded as outstanding citizens in church and community.

Emotional abuse, a form of domestic violence, does not usually occur in view of others. If witnessed, it’s generally by children living in the house who may have been threatened by the perpetrator with loss of safety and security should they tell anyone. What makes emotional abuse even more messy, in contrast to physical abuse, is that it never leaves physical marks. But there are some characteristics of men who emotionally abuse their wives:

He belittles his wife in the company of others. He makes snide comments about her intellectual abilities or physical appearance, calling her “dumb,” “fat,” “ignorant,” “naive,” “stupid,” or “ugly.”
He comments negatively about females in general: less intelligent, more emotional, or inferior to males. Sometimes, he’ll use derogatory or vulgar terms for women. When challenged about this, the husband will often say he is only joking.
He does all the talking for the family even in public settings. His wife may defer to her husband before responding to inquiries.
He quotes biblical passages to support his ordering of the sexes, especially whenever anyone suggests that females are equal to males.
The wife seems to have no adult relationships or support system outside her husband. Domestic violence flourishes when a woman is isolated from the outside world. An emotionally abusive husband will make every effort to control all aspects of his wife’s existence. He’ll often force her to keep an account of all her activities, withhold finances, and dictate her relationships.
The pastor is continually rebuffed when trying to establish a relationship with the family.

It’s important to remember that not every husband who manifests these qualities is a perpetrator of emotional abuse.

Trying to bring the wife and husband together to “get at the truth” can be dangerous for the woman.

Care for the victim

The agonizing pastoral issue, though, is when and how to get involved when we suspect emotional abuse in a marriage. The great strength of a pastor is that he or she cares for people in a context and over a long period of time. Given that unique position, here are some suggestions about caring for the victim.

These are for dealing with emotional abuse, not physical abuse. Emotional abuse may also signal or lead to physical abuse, or it may not. In instances of physical abuse, much more drastic action may be necessary to protect children and the wife.

If a woman says she is emotionally abused, the best course is to believe her. What does that mean? A woman who is emotionally abused by her husband will rarely exaggerate claims of abuse. On the contrary, out of fear, shame, and for many other reasons, she will usually minimize the abusive episodes. The way a pastor believes a victim’s stories is to reassure her. Often the victim will blame herself for the abuse, saying the abuse would not be occurring if she were a better Christian, wife, mother, sexual partner, etc. That belief is enforced by the perpetrator and, at times, by other people as well.

Pastors can say, “You are not the cause of the abuse that’s happening to you,” “No one deserves to be addressed by the degrading and vile names your husband has called you,” and “Your husband’s actions are in clear violation of how the Scripture instructs a man to treat his wife. His behavior is sinful and in no way condoned by God.”

Here are some things not to say, for they discourage rather than encourage a victim to be forthright:

“Are you submitting totally to your husband?”
“Marriage is sacred, you have to do everything to keep your family together.”
“Perhaps your husband was just kidding. Are you sure you’re not overreacting?”
“Your husband is such a great guy. He wouldn’t harm a flea.”
“Why did you wait so long to disclose this story?”

Someone who says she has been emotionally abused will likely feel ambivalent. At one moment she may talk about leaving her husband, and, in the next breath, state her undying love for him. Most women do not want their marriages to end, they simply want the abuse to stop.

Trying to bring the wife and husband together to “get at the truth” can be dangerous for the woman. A perpetrator often is deceitful and manipulative. He may behave appropriately (even charmingly) in the pastor’s office, but then further punish his wife when they get home.

Just as it is impossible to discover “the truth” in a situation, it is impossible for a pastor to invest large amounts of counseling time with any one person, so it is critical to encourage victims to seek support from other resources. Support groups, shelters for abused and battered women, and clinically trained professionals can offer comfort, knowledge, and safety. Such support helps victims break the isolation and provides them with options for achieving safety in their lives.

One specific way a pastor can help a victim of abuse is to help her establish a safety plan that can be implemented quickly should her husband’s abuse continue or escalate. Include in this plan a safety kit, kept in a place where the perpetrator will not discover it, that contains items such as cash, a change of clothing, toiletries, an extra photo i.d. and a list of important phone numbers: counselors, friends, pastors, shelters.

Care for the abuser

Intervening in such a situation is a delicate issue, but at some point, a pastor will have to confront the abuser. That will require a well thought-out approach with a team of people. Much has been written about how to conduct an intervention, so I won’t go into that here, except to say no pastor should intervene in a situation alone.

Ultimately, there are no foolproof plans to keep a wife totally safe from her abusive husband—whether or not that husband is confronted. Still, here are two things pastors can do to enhance a wife’s safety:

1. Never confront an abusive husband without thoroughly discussing with the wife both the benefits and the potential risks that such confrontation could bring. Get the wife’s full permission before confronting the husband.

2. Make sure the wife has a safety plan (see above) that can be implemented quickly should her husband’s abuse continue or escalate.

Often, once a perpetrator is confronted, he will not stay in the church. In the above story, Don lingered a while after confronted by Pastor Seth, but in the end, because he refused to see his behavior as wrong, he left the church.

But some may stay, and that’s why over time, pastors may be in the best position to help a marriage with emotional abuse issues. Here are several reminders when caring spiritually for someone who emotionally abuses his wife.

1. Give him tough love. Redemption involves showing remorse over our sins, taking full responsibility for the damage, and being willing to work on correcting any inappropriate behavior. Perpetrators of domestic abuse usually fall short of that, however; they rarely take responsibility for the destruction they’ve caused, blaming instead alcohol, children, drugs, job stresses, mood swings, and especially their victims.

Thus, while it is important for pastors to affirm the love, forgiveness, and healing that Christ offers, it is vital to challenge the perpetrator to take responsibility for his abuse and to encourage him to get treatment. That will require a pastor to bring up regularly and gently with the perpetrator how he plans to get better: “What step have you taken recently to get help for how you treat your wife? Have you seen a counselor? Have you joined a support group?”

2. Be wary of the “I’m a changed man” claim. That’s especially true if his alleged change occurred in a short period of time. Let’s say, for example, he attends only a few support group meetings for abusive and violent men. Or he suddenly confesses his sins in front of the congregation, apologizing to his wife and children, and promising never to abuse anyone again.

Don’t be fooled. My caution isn’t because I doubt God’s ability to change humans instantaneously. Often, though, such claims of change are simply another manifestation of the cycle of violence—the abuser violates his wife, expresses deep remorse to her in letters, with flowers, and over fancy dinners, and then makes an ostensibly sincere promise to change. But he refuses to seek (or stay in) treatment, and, within weeks, months, and sometimes even years, the cycle begins again. Lasting change, both spiritual and psychological, takes time and hard work.

3. Redirect his Scripture reading. For ongoing spiritual care, I recommend pastors set up with the abuser a reading schedule of passages from Scripture that teach equal value and dignity of husband and wife. Then pastor and abuser can discuss the larger theological dimensions of how God views men and women. That can counterbalance the tendency by abusers to misquote biblical texts to support male dominance. Here are a few passages that I’ve found helpful: Genesis 1:26-28, 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 and 11:11-12, Galatians 5:13, Ephesians 5:21 and 5:25-33, and Philippians 2:3

4. Hold out hope. That means simply saying that if the abuser wants to change and will do the hard work, he can change, that with God anything is possible. That’s the promise of the gospel. Through prayer, Scripture reading, spiritual counseling, and psychological treatment, a wife abuser can become whole.

Al Miles coordinates Interfaith Ministries at The Queen’s Medical Center 1301 Punchbowl Street Honolulu HI 96813