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FRIENDS TO DIE for (p. 22)
In this interview, two pastors and a Christian musician-Scotty Smith, Scott Roley, and Michael Card-talk candidly about how they found accountability in the midst of friendship.
Have you ever had conflict?
Scott Roley: Back in 1990, I wanted to go to some event that would have brought me into contact with a relationship from my past, and it was clearly wrong for me to go. So I hid my idea of going. But it came up in a conversation with Scotty. Scotty told Michael, and they both said, “You’re not going to this event.”
Michael Card: Often, my motivation for not deceiving these guys is not personal righteousness; it’s because I don’t want to be caught by Scotty or Scott. They’re the two guys I respect most in the world, the two people I don’t want to disappoint.
Scotty Smith: The pain of love is stronger than the pain of legalism. If this were just an accountability group that had a list of things to check off, we could say, “I blew it,” and move on. But because we love each other, the pain that goes with damaging that friendship is more telling.
How does the group handle the pressures Scotty faces as senior pastor?
Roley: We’re all trying to resist being someone who sucks up to the system, makes a living off the faith, and builds his own kingdom.
Smith: Every person with a microphone in his or her hand learns pragmatically what works. And “transparency” works. I can get in the pulpit and be transparent, yet if I didn’t have authentic relationships, it would not represent true vulnerability.
Where is the line?
Smith: If you’re not walking in community, then your transparency as a preacher may be nothing more than emotional voyeurism and manipulation. My community with these guys forces the issue.
What has your friendship taught you about accountability?
Roley: We can’t fully be known. These two will never know everything about me.
Card: It’s a myth that accountability can occur outside of community. Account-ability does not come before community.
Smith: It’s also a myth that if I’m in the right accountability group, it’s going to feel like a spiritual orgasm, that every time we get together we’ll know the shekinah glory of God. There are so many seasons of friendship. Sometimes you feel a sense of mission. Other times it’s just three guys talking about life.
Why I resist accountability (p. 34)
Psychiatrist Louis McBurney helps pastors understand the psychological resistance to accountability.
I find accountability difficult for at least four reasons.
I fear rejection
“If you really knew what I’m like inside, you wouldn’t want to be seen with me.” I’ve heard that from countless individuals as a psychiatrist. At times I’ve felt the same way. Fear of rejection often makes accountability scary. But the times I’ve come clean, no matter how hard, have led to acceptance and forgiveness rather than rejection.
I feel embarrassed
The things I confess openly to my accountability partner, I often fail at repeatedly. That becomes embarrassing. I feel convicted, get up the courage to confess, pledge to quit doing whatever it was, only to repeat the behavior.
I resent control by hostile people
It’s not so easy to submit to someone angry at you. At Marble, we often work with pastors who have broken faith and trust with the people in their lives. One part of working through those situations is being assigned to an “accountability group.”
The problem, though, is that the accountability group-often people from the congregation or denomination-are hurt and angry. The pastors I work with say the experience of an accountability group begins to feel like the Spanish Inquisition.
I don’t like facing my negative feelings
I’m a master at self-deceit. I can employ denial, rationalization, and projection so fast it would set old Freud’s head shrinking. I don’t like my anger or guilt or anxiety-these emotions just don’t fit with who I like to be (or at least like to appear to be). So I find ways to avoid dealing with them.
STRATEGIES TO KEEP FROM FALLING (p. 46)
In this Leadership classic, Randy Alcorn offers practical steps to maintain your purity and ministry.
The myth that ministers are morally invulnerable dies slowly, even in the face of overwhelming evidence. Even those of us who haven’t fallen know how fierce is the struggle with temptation.
I now live with the frightening but powerfully motivating knowledge that I could commit sexual immorality. I started taking precautions to keep it from happening to me.
Monitoring my spiritual pulse
Often those who fall into sexual sin can point back to lapses in their practices of meditation, worship, prayer, and the healthy self-examination such disciplines foster. All of us know this, but in the busyness of giving out, we can easily neglect the replenishing of our spiritual reservoirs.
Guarding my marriage.
I watch for the red flags of discontentment, poor communication, and poor sexual relationship. We try to spend regular, uninterrupted time together to renew our closeness.
Taking precautions.
One pastor found his thoughts were continually drawn to a coworker, more so than to his wife. Then his rule of thumb became: I will meet with her only when necessary, only as long as necessary, only at the office, and with others present as much as possible. In time, their relationship returned to its original, healthy status.
Dealing with the subtle signs of sexual attraction.
Most pastors who end up in bed with a woman do it not just to gratify a sexual urge, but because they believe they’ve begun to really love her. Thus, our enemies are not only lascivious thoughts of sex but “innocuous” feelings of infatuation as well.
Backing off early
When meeting a woman for our third counseling appointment, I became aware that she was interested in me personally. Though I wasn’t yet emotionally involved or giving her inappropriate attention, I wasn’t deflecting hers toward me and was thereby inviting it. For-tunately, when God prompted me, I made other counseling arrangements for her.
Clearing cloudy thoughts.
One pastor didn’t tell his wife about his frequent meetings with a particular woman on the grounds he shouldn’t violate confidentialities, even to his wife. Besides, he sensed his wife would be jealous (without good reason, of course), so why upset her? Under the cloak of professionalism and sensitivity to his wife, he proceeded to meet with this woman secretly. The result was predictable.
Holding myself accountable
From talking with Christian leaders, I’ve come to understand that the more prominent they become, the more they need accountability and the less they get it. For several years now we have committed the first two hours of our weekly all-day staff meeting to discussing personal “sufferings and rejoicings” (1 Cor. 12:26). We ask, “How are you doing?” and if the answers are vague or something seems wrong, we probe deeper.
Regularly rehearsing the consequences.
In the wake of several Christian leaders’ falling into immorality, a co-pastor and I developed a list of specific consequences that would result from our immorality. The list spoke more powerfully than any sermon or article on the subject.
TRAINING WITH A CHAMPIONSHIP COACH (p. 54)
I. I Need an “Old Man”
Pastor Bob Roberts, Jr., confesses his need for an older, wiser guide.
I want to know that some pastor out there made it. I don’t mean that he became a religious success story, but that he completed the race. I want to know that he didn’t have to lose his sanity or morality to do it. I want to know that ministry really is what we say it is. I want hope that I will really be more than what I do, and stay true to who I am.
I need an old man.
II. How to Find a Mentor
Business leader Fred Smith gives 7 questions to select the right person.
1. Do they have wisdom from experience?
Scripture says young men are for strength, old men for wisdom. A mentor needs depth of experience-and to have synthesized those experiences into teachable lessons.
2. Do they feel noncompetitive toward younger people?
I see some fathers who still compete with their sons. They’re not able to relax and let the boy grow up and go past them.
3. Can they spot talent?
In my first meeting with someone, I look for “an unscratchable itch” for excellence. If I see that, I know the person will persevere beyond the plateau of comfort.
4. Is there a chemistry between us?
I never want a guide who isn’t my friend.
5. Will they take the responsibility seriously?
I don’t want to spend my time with anybody who won’t take the occasion seriously. Does it have meaning to them? Does the relationship count?
6. Are they willing and able to confront?
I need to be close enough to somebody to say, “If I read the situation right, you are going toward trouble.”
7. Do they ask good questions?
Maxey Jarman, former chairman of Genesco, used to say, “A board member’s chief function is the questions he or she asks.” Management is supposed to know the answer, but the director is supposed to know the question. So a mentor ought to be able to ask good questions.
III. What I Want to Be When I Grow Up
Chuck Swindoll describes a person who modeled ministry for him
Each answer was drawn from deep wells of wisdom, shaped by tough decisions, and nurtured by time. And pain. Mistakes and mistreatment. Like forty years in the same church. And seasoned by travel. Like having ministered around the world. And honed by tests, risks, heartbreaks, and failures.
I’m profoundly grateful that Ray Stedman’s shadow crossed my life.
In a day of tarnished leaders, fallen heroes, busy parents, frantic coaches, arrogant authority figures, and eggheaded geniuses, we need guides, not gods. We need approachable, caring souls to help us negotiate our way through life’s labyrinth.
HOPE IN A NO-GROWTH TOWN (p. 78)
Minister Charles Yarborough offers realistic help for churches facing impossible odds.
This church suffered a split in the late 1950s. By the late 1980s, attendance had dropped to an average of twenty. The church is located in a non-growth town. There is little industry in the county, and unemployment runs high.
Yet in our first four years of effort, we added fifty-seven members. I’d like to pass along the simple ideas that put our church into action.
Draw on history.
I could not believe this great church, a community landmark since 1834, was so close to closing its doors. During a sermon, I read this statement from the display case downstairs: “From the beginning it was a church of vision, a church that tried and succeeded in living out the gospel as Jesus set forth. They lived through some of the toughest times in American history. . . .” Then I said, “Let history record these words, ‘In 1989, a small group of servants known as The First Christian Church in Albany, Kentucky fought back. Because of them, the flame of the lamp glows brighter than ever!’ “
Build friendliness.
Most small churches are quick to tell you, “Why, we’re the friendliest little church in town.” Most really are friendly to their own members, but in truth, they often ignore the lonely visitor.
To break the ice, we began having people greet others during worship. Deacons or ushers pass out visitor cards, along with pencils, during the time of welcome. The cards give us guests’ full addresses, ages of children, and more. We follow up by taking a pie, cake, cookies, or home-baked bread to the person.
Hold special events.
Anytime you have a crowd in a small town church, it gives you a positive appearance in the community. One event that helped us was Friend Day. On that Sunday, after having twenty-nine people Sunday after Sunday for nine months, 151 showed up!
Teach members how to reach neighbors
We teach people to ask a simple but specific question: “Do you attend any particular church on a regular basis?” The last four words are key. When a person responds, “On a regular basis? No, we don’t attend church very much,” you can talk about your church.
Minister to young people.
There is one sure way to get young people: take them on a trip. Albany is about five hours from the beautiful Smoky Mountains, so we decided to hold a youth retreat in the Smokies. I’m still not sure where they came from, but we found six teenagers for our retreat. Following the retreat, all six were baptized and received into the church.
Improve the music.
A well-prepared organist truly lifts the spirit of the worship. Yet so often, we try to get by with a person who can’t play. Use organ and piano together. Select choral music that will challenge the older musician to work harder. One of two things will happen, and both are good. The extra practicing will make her a better musician, or she will decide it’s time to retire. If she makes that decision, host a church-wide retirement dinner in her honor.
The day our church repented (p. 90)
Leadership assistant editor Ed Rowell reports on what a solemn assembly is, and how it might restore health to your church.
What is a solemn assembly?
The Old Testament records at least twelve times when Israel’s leaders called the nation to-gether for confession and repentance. Leaders of every period of spiritual awakening and renewal have used these examples as a template for restoring groups to a right relationship with God. The solemn assembly has become a tool to restore troubled churches, as they come to terms with their destructive behavior, toleration of sin, and spiritual indifference.
When is a solemn assembly appropriate?
Most often, when the church faces deep, spiritual problems. When Grant Adkisson was pastor of First Baptist Church of Pagosa Springs, Colorado, the church used a solemn assembly during a season of testing involving a contentious member who sued the church.
Rick McKinniss, pastor in Kensington, Connecticut used the solemn assembly as a pro-active step rather than a response to crisis.
How do we prepare for a solemn assembly?
Every church Leadership interviewed prepared with an extended period of teaching and prayer. Sermon series of 8-12 weeks were common. Prayer meetings met for months, with an intense, focused period prior to the solemn assembly.
What does a solemn assembly look like?
That varies for each congregation, but it always involves public confession of sin. In Kensington, the assembly was a two-hour service of worship, Scripture reading, corporate and individual confession, repentance, and “the renunciation of strongholds.” Southern Baptist leader Ron Owens urges congregations to conclude with a Communion service.
What can we expect to happen longterm?
The aftermath of a solemn assembly is as varied as the congregations that hold them. A midwestern church had a dramatic response to the solemn assembly, repenting for the inappropriate firings of four previous pastors. But four years later, some old behavior patterns have returned, and the current pastor sometimes wonders if his days are numbered.
Rick McKinniss’s congregation experienced a new freedom in worship. In addition, their whole framework for decision making has changed.
The results of the solemn assembly in Pagosa Springs, Colorado, are even more dramatic. The solemn assembly was held less than two weeks from the court date. The chief antagonist and his family were killed in a private plane crash. “We were utterly crushed. When we came together the next Sunday, it was a time of agonizing and weeping. And fear.”
Would a solemn assembly help our church?
Corporate repentance helps churches deal with past issues that affect present health and future direction. In cases where the solemn assembly was seen as an event, effects were short-lived. In congregations that used the service as the beginning of a new pattern of relating to God and one another, the transformation has sometimes been dramatic.
KEEPING THE ADVENTURE IN MINISTRY (p. 110)
Writer, speaker, and pastor’s wife Jill Briscoe talks about how to restore a fresh sense of partnership with God.
When have you most felt you couldn’t keep going in ministry?
There was a period when I did so much street ministry, and then I had three kids, and Stuart was on the road as an evangelist for months on end. I felt I couldn’t keep going in that ministry. But I don’t think I have ever come to the point of saying, “I can’t keep going in ministry,” because what is ministry? It’s being a disciple, isn’t it? I’ve never been so depressed that I could give up that.
What did you do with the pain you were feeling about your particular ministry?
I came to a point of decision. I could either drown in a sea of self-pity, or ask, “In what redemptive way do you want to use this mess, Lord? A friend whose husband traveled all her life helped me; she said, “Get so busy that you fall into bed at night. Fill your life with other people’s problems.” I did and found it took me out of myself. I try not to waste pain. I try to let it be an energizer rather than to obsess me and to take me out of thinking about other people.
You speak often to people in ministry. What do you notice as you meet with them?
What I see worldwide—especially in the mission field and in the leaders on the front lines against incredible odds—is they’re just tired. Elijah once lay flat on his face under a tree, wanting to die. Not because everything was wrong—fire had just fallen on his ministry. But he just collapsed. A lot of people in ministry need that loving touch of the Lord that Elijah found when the Lord said, “The journey’s too great for thee.” God didn’t rebuke and chastise him. He just touched him in his tiredness and allowed him to retire in his cave for a bit.
How do you deal with being tired “of” the work of the Lord?
Renewing your commitment to God and your interaction with the Holy Spirit. Personal renewal of your fire, your passion. We’re doing the programs, and programs can be effective, but do we maintain the heart? Do we care about the lost?
1996 by Christianity Today/LEADERSHIP journal
Last Updated: September 18, 1996
