Ideas that Work - Christianity Today

Georgia dreaded the tumult of her children’s bedtime. Bedtime meant an hour of wrestling fighting, complaining, and stalling. As a single parent working full time, Georgia felt increasingly overwhelmed.

Maybe tonight will be different, she thought. Lori will be here.

Lori, Georgia’s parenting coach, had listened to Georgia’s bedtime horror stories and offered to observe a typical bedtime and give advice on how to improve the situation.

When the children were finally settled in bed, Georgia and Lori sat down to talk.

“See what I mean?” said Georgia. “By the time I’m done with this, I just want to collapse. I never have time to just relax and think.”

“Maybe we can think of ways to restructure the bedtime routine,” said Lori. The two women spent twenty minutes brainstorming ways to smooth the transition to bed. They considered turning the television off an hour before bedtime and spending that time reading to the children and playing quiet music. They considered the value of talking to the children about what would happen the next day. They considered praying with the children about their own concerns.

As they talked, Georgia began to believe she could make changes. Lori suggested Georgia experiment the next night and continue trying different ideas until she felt bedtime routine was working better.

During the following week, Lori called Georgia. “The first two nights, it was murder,” said Georgia. “But the kids seemed to do better when they slowed down earlier in the evening. I’m still working on it, but I actually enjoyed tucking them in last night.”

Georgia’s success story is especially satisfying to Randy Christian, pastor of adult education and family ministry at Beaverton (Oregon) Christian Church. Teaching parents how to raise their children is an important aspect of his church ministry.

When the church’s parenting program was developing, Christian felt frustrated that parents were taught but not trained. Parents didn’t have the opportunity to try techniques and debrief with the instructor. The instructor never saw the environment where parenting techniques would be used.

Georgia and Lori are part of a ministry that is solving those problems. Beaverton Christian Church is piloting a ministry in which laypersons serve as parent educators and teach and apply the material in the home environment with children present. This allows immediate feedback and assistance.

RECRUITING PARENT EDUCATORS

Single parents and couples willing to be trained and supervised are recruited as lay resource ministers. They eventually teach parenting skills in the home, typically for a six- to ten-week period, working with one family at a time. Single parents teach single parents of the same gender; married couples teach married couples; step-parents teach step-parents.

The quality of the recruits is the key to success. Potential parent educators must be teachable parents themselves spiritually mature, able to reflect on their own parenting experience and communicate interpersonally.

Christian follows this process:

-Pray for guidance. When prayer is not done first, the recruitment process is slower and less effective.

-Consult other church leaders. When Randy mentioned one woman’s name as a recruit for the parenting ministry another staff member looked startled and said that his counseling with her had focused on her inability to admit the problems her kids were having. The image she gave others of her parenting skills was simply not accurate. Without that consultation, this woman might have been brought into the parenting ministry with disastrous results .

If other church leaders have little knowledge of the people being considered, it is probably too early to bring them into this type of leadership.

-Approach the potential parent educator. Once the potential parent educators have been screened, they are approached with the possibility of serving in this ministry. At the first contact, the emphasis is on thinking and praying about this possibility. “I give them a clear picture of what they would do, how they would be trained, and how they would be supervised. In addition, I tell them clearly why I believe they are qualified for this ministry. This process disciplines me to be specific and lets the candidates know I have specific reasons for believing they would do well in ministry,” states Christian.

TRAINING THE PARENT EDUCATORS

In this pilot program, Christian does the training. He believes experienced volunteers could do the training also. “I use the ‘Train Up a Child’ curriculum I have written,” he says. “The curriculum is designed to be used in homes, with a blend of content instruction and integration activities.”

The curriculum includes six areas of emphasis:

1. The meaning and goals of discipline.

This area emphasizes the difference between discipline (training) and punishment (retribution). Building on this distinction, parents learn to set specific goals for their children in areas such as spiritual growth, social skills, emotional maturity, and academic development. Parents are encouraged to see all discipline in the context of these goals.

2. The parenting team.

In this section, parents are assisted in defining their parenting team. This includes the primary parents (usually biological), the secondary parents (influential, but not primary) such as school teachers, close relatives, and youth leaders. Methods are explored for coordinating the efforts of these team members.

3. Preventing misbehavior.

In this section, parents explore ways of preventing problems and building positive characteristics into their children. These include setting an example, communication, esteem building, and more.

4. Early correction of misbehavior.

Parents are trained in early intervention methods that are emotionally easier on both the child and the parent. By definition, these are mild interventions that presume if the behavior occurs again, it will not be immediately dangerous to anyone.

By this time in the study, parents are typically bringing up their specific problems. Parent educators are trained to avoid being the expert answer person. Instead, they guide parents to think through the best method of discipline.

5. Correcting serious or long-standing misbehavior.

This section focuses on methods of discipline that are more stressful to the parent and the child. These are used when early intervention methods haven’t worked, or when the behavior is serious enough that the parent is unwilling to risk it occurring again.

6. Crisis intervention.

This section focuses on how to recognize a crisis situation, and how to respond.

For example, a parent may ask what he should do when his daughter talks back. Instead of giving the right answer, trainers guide parents in considering what they are trying to teach their daughter, what possible approaches could be used, which of these would work best with this specific young person, and how they will implement that approach.

Recruits are trained to present this material in the home to other parents, and how to help parents apply the material in their own parenting. Practical issues such as confidentiality, record keeping, and the limitations of the process, are also taught.

CASE ASSIGNMENT

When training is completed, the parent educators are matched with an appropriate single parent or parent couple. Some screening is done to ensure the home will be safe for the parent educator and that the need of the parent(s) is not so extreme that only professional therapy would be appropriate. Sometimes parents who are in therapy may also be in this program, as long as the therapist approves.

In addition, program leaders give attention to personality differences that could become barriers to the process. When possible, leaders match parent educators with parents in similar situations. Under no circumstances are single parents matched with single parents of the opposite gender.

Because of the importance of this ministry and because parent educators are typically involved in other ministry, parent educators are allowed to train only one parent or couple at a time.

PARENT EDUCATION AND SUPERVISION

After a match is made, the parent educator(s) and the parent(s) determine the schedule for six to ten weekly meetings of approximately ninety minutes in the home.

The parent educators present basic parenting material along with activities designed to allow the parents to practice the methods with the trainer observing.

Lori demonstrated for Georgia in this way. Georgia was frustrated with her inability to talk to other adults with her children present. Lori noticed that whenever her children came into the room, Georgia grew agitated and told them to go somewhere else to play. Since the children were young and curious, and the apartment was relatively small, this was difficult to enforce. After noting the pattern, Lori asked Georgia if she felt uncomfortable having her there.

Georgia said, “No. I just can’t pay attention to the children and to an adult conversation at the same time.”

Lori asked, “Could I show you how I would handle the situation?” Georgia agreed.

The next time the children entered the room, Lori asked them to come to her. Lori talked to them quietly, saying, “I want to talk to your mom, so I want you to be quiet. I’ll make sure we talk with you later.”

Whenever the children came back into the room, Lori would talk to them briefly, reassuring them that they had been noticed, and then return to her conversation with their mother. Soon, Lori suggested that Georgia deal with the children While the children wanted more attention from their mother, they responded well, and Georgia was able to talk with Lori and control her children.

EVALUATION AND FOLLOW-UP

After the parent educators have presented the prepared material, they ask the parents to evaluate the experience. In most cases, the parents feel a need for further practice. Depending on the situation, the parent educator may be open to periodic phone calls for encouragement. However, if trainees’ specific needs are still unmet, parent educators refer the parents to the program supervisor for further assistance

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