REDEEMING THE REHEARSAL - Christianity Today

It was the evening before the wedding and well past the time for the rehearsal to begin. The groom stood nervously in the narthex, introducing the bride’s family to his. Everyone was there but the bride.

“Where is Joanne?” I asked.

“She’s in the bathroom,” offered the maid of honor. “Maybe you should go in and talk to her.”

I went in to find Joanne weeping. “Is something wrong?” I asked innocently.

“It’s the trellis,” she sobbed.

“The trellis?”

The maid of honor had followed me in, and she spoke up: “Joanne’s mom has rented a trellis for Joanne and Bob to stand under, and Joanne doesn’t want it.”

I walked back to the narthex and found Joanne’s mother. “Joanne is upset about the trellis,” I said.

Joanne’s grandmother jumped into the conversation to announce that she had been married under a trellis, and it would mean a lot to her if Joanne were also married under a trellis.

Back to Joanne I went. “It seems to be important to your grandmother to have the trellis. But if you really don’t want it, I’ll make certain you won’t have one.”

“They just don’t seem to realize that it’s my wedding and I should be able to make some of the decisions about it!” Joanne wiped her face and tried to regain her composure.

Back I went to the narthex. By now Joanne’s father had joined the conversation.

“Joanne doesn’t want the trellis,” I said.

“Well,” said Joanne’s father, “that’s just too bad. We’re paying a great deal of money for this wedding, and I think she could have a little consideration for her grandmother. The trellis stays, or I won’t pay for any of it.” Now he marched into the bathroom, followed by Joanne’s mother who was pleading for him not to make a scene and spoil the wedding.

Perhaps I was absent the day wedding rehearsals were covered in seminary, but I don’t remember any formal training for this aspect of ministry. So I began to ask other pastors what they do with that unique event. I discovered a variety of useful practices to redeem the rehearsal, which can be both a mine field of unexpected hazards and a gold mine of opportunity for sharing the love of Christ and speaking what I know of God’s intention for his children.

Setting the Tone

The wedding day itself is surrounded by ancient customs, cultural clutter, and ironclad etiquette. These have been handed down from generation to generation for so long that all involved have at least some idea of what a wedding should “look like.” But almost no one has a preconceived image of a rehearsal. That makes us freer to set our own agenda, to create the occasion and mold the content.

It’s not unusual for rehearsal participants never to have been in your church-or any church for that matter. Some arrive at the rehearsal uncertain and nervous, unfamiliar with the customs of the church.

Although we’ve come to know the bride and groom through premarital counseling, the rehearsal may be the first time most of the wedding party meet us. Since both sides are virtual strangers, how should we begin?

Most of the pastors I interviewed considered it important to set the tone of the rehearsal and diplomatically establish the fact that they are in control of the proceedings. Bill Ritter, a Methodist minister in Farmington Hills, Michigan, establishes his leadership role by being “very much in control and very professional. I do negotiate. I do take suggestions, but I don’t operate in a way that gives anyone the impression that everything is up for grabs.”

Wendy Pratt, a pastor in Gary, Indiana, takes time during the last premarital counseling session to make the decisions about the order of the processional, the seating of the family, and the details of the service. “That way no one has to be asked for an opinion or to make a decision about these things at the rehearsal, and it avoids time-consuming discussions at the rehearsal in which everyone tries to participate in the decision making.” All the ministers felt that sensitively used humor is more effective than confrontation in keeping control.

Many pastors find it helpful to begin the rehearsal by having everyone seated in the sanctuary for a preliminary talk. The talk itself comes in many varieties. Chris Taylor, a pastor in Highland Heights, Ohio, begins by speaking about the distinction between a civil marriage contract and a marriage before God, and describes some of the reasons the bride and groom have chosen to have their wedding in a church rather than simply having it ratified as a legal contract before a judge.

Ed Danks, a Presbyterian pastor in Connecticut, begins with the symbols of the wedding-the sacramental nature of the signs and actions in the ceremony. “Everything in the ceremony has a deep, symbolic significance. The words, the movement, the actions of the couple, the music, the decorations, even the kiss-all are symbolic of God’s actions in bringing the couple together.”

The rehearsal may be the first time the families of the bride and groom have met each other, so Bill Ritter devotes a part of the preliminary talk to helping the family members introduce themselves to each other.

This preliminary talk can serve many purposes, not the least of which is sharing some of the gospel in a low-key way. Many of the wedding participants may have given little thought to the meaning of a Christian marriage. It may never have occurred to them that God has been the primary matchmaker in the lives of the couple, or that what we are doing in the ceremony is pleasing and important to God, or that God’s blessing is the deciding factor in the success of the marriage. Often talking about these deeper meanings has a profound effect on the wedding party.

In the confusion of preparing for a wedding, sometimes no time or place is given to the expression of the deeper feelings of the couple and their families. I’ve often had families express appreciation for having the real meaning put before them on this night before the big day. One mother of the bride said, “It prepared me to let my son go, because your words reminded me that God was watching over him even more than I ever could.”

Although the serious, reverent nature of the marriage ceremony ought to color the rehearsal to some extent, most pastors attempt to keep the tone light. Mike Furlan, a Catholic priest in Chicago, says, “I try to make everyone as comfortable as possible. The unchurched are often a little uneasy in the setting anyway, so if they’re able to feel less threatened, I figure that’s pre-evangelization.”

The attendants sometimes need to be reminded that they do have actual jobs to do-other than walking down the aisle in elegant clothes! So I suggest to the attendants that one of their main functions is a promise to support and pray for the marriage. I also remind the whole group that all of us need to be working together to make certain that the bride and groom have no worries on the wedding day, that one of us will be with them at all times to take care of anything that comes up.

One conscientious best man took my words so seriously that he called the railroad company to be certain that the wedding party wouldn’t be surprised by an unexpected lengthy train stopping traffic and making them late arriving at the church!

Thoughtful use of this preliminary time can fulfill several functions. It focuses everyone’s attention on the pastor, who is then in a position to lighten the anxiety or dignify the frivolity, if necessary. It also offers a unique opportunity to present the good news to many who might otherwise never be in a position to hear it.

Of course the captive audience would no doubt resist any long sermons or hard-sell evangelism, but the natural content of the vows is enough to draw the wedding party into the gentle movement of God’s spirit while they experience the awe of being present at a powerful moment in the lives of the bride and groom.

Walking Through the Ceremony

After helping the wedding party understand the meaning of what they are doing, it’s time for the walk-through.

Some ministers begin in the middle by calling the participants out of their seats one at a time and placing each in the spot he or she will be standing at the end of the processional. This gives the attendants a distinct place to head for when walking in. Some ministers even place adhesive dots on the floor for each of the attendants to stand on.

When everyone has been thus placed, these ministers proceed through the ceremony from that point. Some explain each step and its meaning along the way. Some speak all the words of the actual ceremony. Others just use enough of the words to make certain the bride and groom recognize them the next day and know the correct responses.

After everyone has gone through the motions of the ceremony, the recessional, and the “unseating” of the parents and grandparents, it’s time to set up the processional to return the wedding party to the point where the walk-through began. Most pastors walk through the ceremony a second time, although more quickly.

Other ministers begin at the beginning. Wendy Pratt starts with the ushers or groomsmen. “They are the most important assistants in helping everything go smoothly,” she explains. “They have the most complicated duties, and I’m not in a position to coach them during the ceremony, as I am the bride and groom.” While everyone watches, she explains and demonstrates the ushers’ work-seating guests, lighting candles, pulling the aisle runner. Then she sets up the processional in the order the bridal couple have decided ahead of time and goes through the ceremony from the beginning.

I try to make the walk-through thorough enough that the wedding party can concentrate on their more important duties of prayer and support for the bridal couple on the following day, rather than worrying whether they are walking properly or standing or moving at the right time. I remind them that I will be there to coach anyone who forgets what to do.

A wedding coordinator is valuable to start the bridesmaids in the processional and care for other details. Bill Ritter appreciates how the wedding coordinator “sets up the receiving line, shows people where the bathrooms are, talks about the parking of limos, and covers any other missing details.” That frees him and the wedding party to concentrate on other aspects of the day.

Ending the Rehearsal

Wedding rehearsals often end with several simultaneous conversations as the final details are attended to-candles, flowers, rides to the rehearsal dinner, times of arrival the next day. By that point it’s difficult to recapture people’s attention. That’s why, while I still have the floor, I make my final statement in prayer.

If it has been a good rehearsal, prayer solidifies the bond between the pastor, the wedding party, and the two families. If tensions remain between the families or between the couple and their parents, prayer provides an opportunity to help people transcend the minor details and focus on the eternal meaning of what is happening here.

With everyone’s typical excess worry about clothing and flowers and other minor details, I don’t want to miss my opportunity to remind people of the deeper levels of meaning. Like everything else in the rehearsal, my rehearsal-night prayers are more informal and personal than they tend to be during the wedding ceremony.

I pray for a quiet night for the couple, for the removal of any anxiety that might darken the joy of the occasion. I pray also that the two families might begin to join together as they prepare to share the future with all its joys and sorrows. And sometimes I pray for specific problems that need God’s healing.

It was during the prayer at the end of Joanne and Bob’s tense rehearsal that the problem of the trellis seemed to dissipate. Emotions had been close to the surface throughout the evening, but during the simple prayer at the end, I felt tensions ease. Joanne and her father embraced warmly and emotionally as the circle of prayer broke up. The transcendent importance of the occasion eventually overcame minor family power struggles, and by the time of the wedding the next day, the tension had disappeared-and so had the trellis.

Let me offer one final bit of advice from an experienced pastor about ending promptly: “If they seem to be just standing around conversing about things that can be settled elsewhere and keeping you from getting on to other duties, just start turning out the lights.”

Nancy D. Becker is pastor of Ogden Dunes (Indiana) Community Church.