The theme of the Winter 1988 issue of LEADERSHIP was Sex, and because 91 percent of our readers are men, the issue reflected the male perspective. In the months since it appeared, we’ve received a number of responses from women. Here are four that offer thoughtful assessments.
The following observations are not new, but they struck me forcefully again as I read this issue.
The first is this: Men tend to think of sexuality as an entity apart from the rest of their person, a package off to the side of their life that has to be dealt with. Those who have trouble with their sexuality (and not all men do) see it as a “monkey on my back” rather than “what the soil of my life is producing.”
While women generally have a keener sense of sexuality’s being rooted in their person, the women I know who have sexual problems also see it as a force outside themselves. It is part of our culture’s lie that sex is a thing you do rather than who you are.
The failure to see this lack of integration (or integrity) allows people to wrestle with sex rather than wholeness. We let people grow up thinking they have a “strong sex drive” instead of seeing their insecurities and how they might be tempted to compensate for holes in their sense of personhood with sexual acts.
God did not give us this gift to torment us. While it is true that Satan continually exploits our sexual nature, we need to ask why he succeeds. To some extent, LEADERSHIP addresses that issue, but the answers often are external rather than internal.
My second observation, both from life and the articles in this issue, is that men who stray sexually almost always have a low view of women. They don’t see them as creatures “created in the image of God,” but primarily as sexual beings. Perhaps they also have a low view of themselves-and of all people. But I believe that latent in men with sexual problems is a view of woman as function rather than person.
In the end, the biggest problem comes from failure to comprehend a holy God and what it means to live a holy life. “Holiness, without which no one shall see the Lord,” is rarely preached anymore. We have psychologized ourselves. There’s a wonderful line in James Thurber’s The Thirteen Clocks uttered by the duke who says, “We all have our little weaknesses; mine just happens to be that I am evil.”
– Gladys M. Hunt
Ann Arbor, Michigan
As the wife of a professional counselor, I’ve always been impressed by the strict ethical guidelines by which he is bound in order to maintain his license. The therapeutic relationship depends on these guidelines. Reading this issue, I realized pastors need to be not only properly trained in ministry, but bound to sound ethical conduct as well. I appreciated the depth of the forum’s discussion of such issues.
As a pastor myself, I am ever mindful of how I must come across-warm and caring and yet with professional discretion. It takes energy, concentration, and most of all, a healthy partnership with my husband. The health of that relationship will influence my ministry. Our communication and intimacy are key.
In that sense, I’m responding no differently from male pastors. I must admit I would have welcomed more discussion on the role power takes in the pastor’s life and in the dynamics of adultery. We have yet to see many women in the powerful, head-of-staff position where this could become an issue for them as it has for males. But I shudder to think of the consequences of the first woman pastor who publicly falls morally.
– Lee Farley Burkhart
University Presbyterian Church
Seattle, Washington
All of my life the church has been led by men but filled mostly with women. The opposite dynamic happened when I, a female, became the pastor. More men, proportionately, came to church.
As a 26-year-old female pastor, I was suddenly a novelty. I immediately had to make some tough decisions. Even though I was single, it was clear to me that I would not date men in my congregation, nor would I have business meetings with another man outside of my church office. Even my dealings with male clergy would be carefully structured.
I’ve found it’s a lonely, carefully walked road that I have to travel. Now in my fifth year of pastoring, I don’t regret this approach, even though there have been numerous invitations for dates from men in the congregation and men in the clergy as well.
What I was not prepared for were advances from women. The lesbian faction that began to join my church disturbed me, because many told me they came because of me. In a tradition where sex is not openly discussed, I often wrestle with how to approach the topic with the membership, especially the youth who have so many questions. We have not yet approached the subject openly, but the subject certainly comes up in private counseling sessions. When not equipped to handle certain issues, I often make referrals to Christian professionals.
I’ve gained new appreciation for the importance of Jesus’ directive to be “wise as serpents, but innocent as doves.”
– Name withheld by request
I found the Winter 1988 LEADERSHIP interesting but strangely divorced from my own experience. While I understand that most pastors are married and male, those of us who are neither must still deal with the issues of sexuality.
Congregational reaction to a pastor who is single and female can range from the conviction that she is gay to determined efforts to introduce her to an assortment of sons, grandsons, nephews, and family friends. Dating can become very complicated. Should she date men in her own congregation? Coworkers? If she declares these off limits, where can she meet eligible men? Once in a dating relationship, the complications continue. A single pastor must cope with the demands of celibacy (not made any easier by the rite of ordination) as well as gossip. Simply being accompanied to church by a male friend can set tongues wagging for months, and heaven help the woman whose male companion is seen leaving her house past a certain hour!
LEADERSHIP dealt honestly with the dangers and difficulties of inappropriate relationships with the opposite sex. However, the most frequently given advice was to keep the lines of communication open with one’s spouse. This advice is hardly helpful to the single pastor. Yet lonely people of both sexes are just as likely to fixate on single pastors as married ones, and singles do not have the handy excuse supplied by a wedding ring. How does a woman pastor explain to a man that her kindness is no more than professional interest? Or that, though single, she has no desire to become romantically involved with him? This situation is difficult enough without the added dimension of the pastor-parishioner relationship.
For women pastors these issues are complicated by problems of sexism. Sometimes this sexism is theological. In such cases the strategy to follow is straightforward: a personal testimony of God’s call, Bible studies on specific passages, rational discussion. However, it has been my experience that theology is rarely the real issue. Sex is. A single woman pastor soon discovers that she is threatening to some of those around her.
Like racism, sexism is easier to deal with when it is blatant. This is seldom the case. Women find themselves fighting vague opposition on peripheral matters that are never satisfactorily resolved because they are not the real issue at all. Thus a minor omission, such as forgetting to delegate a server at a church reception, can lead to demands for immediate dismissal on the basis of incompetence. When reactions are so obviously out of proportion to cause, women pastors have the right to wonder about the real source of the conflict.
Such is the murky atmosphere facing a woman pastor on the receiving end of inappropriate behavior. First, she must determine whether the attention is the result of attraction, mere thoughtlessness, or a subtle means of putting her back in her “proper” place. Then she has to decide the best way to respond. Again, the more blatant the behavior, the clearer the response. The man who startled me with a lunge and a kiss left no doubt about his intentions. A counseling session with another staff member was the obvious answer. More difficult to call was the elder who was just too “friendly.” He, however, never crossed that invisible line that clearly justified an overt reaction. Though pastors both male and female must deal with the issues of sexuality, only for women are these issues seen as reason enough to discourage them from ministry. Male colleagues, even those generally supportive of women in ministry, frequently add to this focus on the sexuality of women pastors. Each time a pastor makes a point of telling male parishioners that the guest preacher is “single and available,” each time she is introduced as the “prettiest member of our committee,” the resulting attention is not on her role as a servant of God, but on her sexuality. Certainly, there is a place for compliments and appreciation. There is also the possibility that these can be used to undermine rather than build up.
Anyone called by God into ministry will encounter difficulty and opposition. For a woman pastor, this opposition is often painfully personal. But there is hope. The vast majority of those I have worked with have been both understanding and supportive. To survive, a woman pastor must keep everything in perspective. She needs a strong conviction that she is being true to God’s call on her life, a sense of humor, a thick skin, and the wisdom that comes only from constant prayer.
Ministers have much to learn from one another. LEADERSHIP provides a vital function in encouraging this exchange. It is my wish that the journal can focus its attention on the needs of all its subscribers, not just the majority that is married and male.
– Kathryn Willoughby
Old First Church
Newark, New Jersey
Copyright © 1988 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
