Adapted with permission from an article that originally appeared in Good News, July/August 1986.
Sunday morning worship was over. I was standing in the tiled corridor near the entrance to our church, chatting with the few people who still lingered. Suddenly Elaine, a woman in her mid-twenties and a member of our church, bounced up to me with a look of joy.
“Pastor, guess what!” she blurted out. “Keith and I are living together!”
Mouths dropped. The church corridor didn’t seem the place to deal with such an issue, so I urged Elaine to join me in my study to discuss her situation.
Keith and Elaine are one example of a rapidly growing phenomenon confronting the church. In 1970 approximately 523,000 couples in the United States were living together out of wedlock. By 1978 this figure had more than doubled. Recent studies indicate today as many as ten million couples are living together outside the bond of marriage.
I know I can’t casually glance the other way, giving thanks that such immorality takes place only “out there in the world.” The troublesome fact is, an increasing number of persons who claim a relationship with Jesus Christ are joining the ranks of those who live together first and marry later. Fellow pastors and I estimate one-quarter to one-half of the couples requesting marriage in our churches are already living together.
One such couple came to my office to discuss marriage. The man was quick to relate his experience of the new birth, which had taken place a few years earlier. Both had been reared with strong Christian values. Yet I learned later in the interview that this couple, in their late forties, had been living together for several months. When I asked how they could claim love for Christ while violating his commandments, the two replied that they simply had no justification and lowered their heads.
How should we respond to this growing phenomenon of live-in arrangements?
Confront privately
Although I do all I can publicly to teach a healthy theology of sex, private conversations offer some of the best opportunities for ministry. Sometimes my conscience (I trust under the guidance of the Holy Spirit) has compelled me to confront professed believers who sought membership in the church while living together outside of marriage.
One such incident involved Ray and Diane. I had learned of their living arrangement and made an appointment to visit them. I was apprehensive. Even prayer had not loosened the knot in my stomach.
Seated facing them in their comfortable living room, l began. “I have come to talk with you about your desire to join Church of the Cross. I need to ask you to delay that step until you are married. If we can take a few minutes, I’d like to talk with you about the reasons for this request.”
The tone in the room shifted predictably. Serious expressions deepened in their faces, but they indicated I should continue.
“Ray and Diane, I hope you understand it is not that I don’t want you as part of the church, or that I don’t like you. I am eager for you to be members.”
“Thank you,” Diane interjected. “We’ve found the church very helpful and hope to be a part of it. But we don’t really see any problem.”
I continued. “The Bible affirms the goodness and beauty of sex within marriage but has clearly stated that sex outside the commitment of marriage is contrary to God’s will. These are also standards of the church. Are you familiar with these teachings?”
“We’re not sure our living together is really something God would condemn us for, but I can see how the church might not agree,” Ray replied.
“The reason I feel I must ask you to wait for church membership is that as long as you continue to live together as you are, you’re intentionally and visibly violating the command of God and the standards of the church. Your vows of membership will have more integrity if you correct your relationship before joining the church.”
We continued to discuss the biblical teachings and the reasons behind them, but Ray and Diane weren’t yet willing to accept that their live-in relationship was a sin. However, they conceded our need to maintain the integrity of the membership vows.
Ray and Diane later joined the church after getting married. They remained reasonably active until they moved to a new location. I’m not convinced my counsel contributed to their decision to get married, but I do believe a witness was made for Christian values.
Minister to needs
Confrontation needs to be coupled with compassion, however.
My wife and I have a friend who became involved in an illicit relationship. It began with occasional sexual encounters and progressed to a live-in relationship our friend hoped would end in marriage. From time to time we gently reminded her of Christian standards and encouraged her to re-examine her chosen direction.
When her male friend abruptly dumped her for another woman, she was devastated and went through many of the same emotions a person experiences in the wake of a divorce. We spent hours talking with her as she expressed her hurt, anger, and sense of betrayal. We invited her to meals, checked on her periodically, and in general attempted to be faithful friends.
In addition, we attempted to help her understand how her decision to cohabitate before marriage had complicated her situation. We encouraged her to trust God to fulfill her needs for companionship in his time and way rather than outside his will. When she expressed interest in renewing her commitment to Christ and becoming involved in the church once again, we invited her to participate with other singles in our church.
We need to minister like this to the needs of those who live together, even when their needs and difficulties arise directly from their sinful relationships. Those who are fractured through illicit relationships can hurt just as much as innocent victims.
They need caring people who can empathize with the hurt-and present Christ, our Redeemer, Comforter, and Peace.
Develop wedding policies
Most people-even the unchurched and those living together-still go to a church for marriage. How we deal with them makes a powerful statement about the church’s view of sex and marriage, and a memorable testimony for Christ.
A blanket policy of marrying any who come may convey the impression that Christians have no standards, that the church exists for the convenience of the world. A policy of never marrying a couple living together may send the message that Christ is graceless and the church exists to judge the world.
In reality, the church exists to serve the Lord and be his instrument in redeeming the world. I want our marriage standards to project to live-ins the word of grace conditioned by a call to repentance. The policy should convey: “God loves you, and we, too, are concerned that you have a satisfying marriage. We will be pleased to assist you in marriage plans, but in coming to the church, you are implicitly seeking a marriage honoring to Christ and blessed by him. Therefore, before your wedding, we expect you to face your lifestyle and conform it to God’s design. We stand ready to help you in any way we can.”
Justin began attending our church over two years ago. Not long after, Sue and her children from a previous marriage became his regular companions at worship. It took no special insight to see they were headed for marriage. I was pleased they were determined to include worship in their life together, and I anticipated their approaching me about a wedding.
So I was doubly dismayed when news reached me that she and her children had taken up residence in his home.
Sure enough, one Sunday shortly thereafter, Justin and Sue came to my study. Justin smiled and said, “We want to be married, and we would very much like for you to do it.” Inside I gulped and prayed for courage and diplomacy.
“Sue and Justin,” I began, “I’d really like to take part in your wedding and your marriage, but I think we have a problem. I understand you’ve been living together.”
They nodded.
“Are you aware of the marriage policies we’ve worked out and submit to in this church?” They weren’t, so I explained our policy of marrying those who were living together only if they would rectify their living arrangements. Also, I spoke briefly about the biblical teachings on sex and marriage, the church’s standard, and the idea that relationships the church blessed ought to be those in which the parties were attempting to live in accordance with God’s design.
“So,” I concluded, “I really would enjoy assisting in your marriage if we can work out this difficulty. But I’d like to give you a chance to respond. Apparently you don’t feel your relationship is wrong in God’s eyes.”
Sue spoke first. “Well, that’s not exactly right.”
“No,” Justin added, “I guess we really do know God doesn’t approve of what we are doing. I always knew one day I’d have the piper to pay. We just sort of fell into it out of mutual need.”
“We aren’t trying to make excuses, just telling it like it is,” Sue added. “We understand and respect your position, but can’t you still do our wedding?”
“Would you be willing to make other living arrangements until your wedding?” I asked.
“Well, we might be,” Sue allowed, “but we’ll need to discuss it.”
Wanting to empathize as much as I could with their predicament, I added, “I know this is probably inconvenient for you, but I believe in the long run it’ll allow you to enter your marriage knowing you have done what you could to make your relationship conform to God’s will. That’ll make a positive impact on your marriage.”
They left. A few days later they invited me to their home and informed me that Justin had already moved from the bedroom, and they were willing to make other arrangements if a place for Justin could be found at a feasible price. I helped Justin locate a room with a man in our congregation. He made the move, and he and Sue will be married in our church soon.
Not all the couples we talk with will be willing to rearrange their living relationship. Yet I wonder whether unquestioningly accommodating the marriage plans of live-in couples has brought many to Christ or the church. When we offer our blessing on marriage at cut-rate prices, we devalue the goods and damage the testimony of Christ.
We have a vital ministry in the midst of our live-in generation: to lift up God’s design for marriage and sexuality. Our task is to respond forthrightly and lovingly to those who deviate from God’s design and to point all to the one who gives abundance in singleness and in marriage.
-Gregory D. Stover
Church of the Cross United Methodist
Toledo, Ohio
Copyright © 1988 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
