WORKING SMART WITH SINGLES - Christianity Today

“Sure, we’d love to have a singles ministry. But we’re a small congregation. We have neither the numbers nor the resources to get one going. It takes a big church to be successful with singles.”

This pastor’s lament might sound familiar. I’ve uttered it at times myself. Small churches, and even medium-sized ones, would love to develop specialized ministries, but it doesn’t seem possible. The limited money, space, and leaders are already overworked in the other areas of church life.

The big churches, on the other hand, seem to have all the ingredients needed for instant success. The leaders of a large church in Southern California recently saw the need for a singles ministry. They asked one of their staff to begin a singles program, an assignment with which he was not very happy. He placed a simple note in the church’s weekly newsletter, listing the time and location for a planning meeting. Then he took a book to read in case no one came.

He had a surprise waiting for him: the meeting was packed. The church now has a singles group of almost two hundred members.

After hearing this success story, I was both excited and frustrated. With only a handful of singles in our church, the prospect of a booming singles ministry seemed dim. That large church had the critical mass to make things work. Our church had problems just keeping the few singles we had. We didn’t seem to possess what it would take for an effective singles ministry.

I was wrong. Some very fine singles groups have grown in rather small churches. In our own mid-sized church (Sunday attendance around three hundred), we have watched an active group develop. Other groups may be larger or more dynamic or faster growing, but our group shows what can be done in something less than a superchurch. We are proof that it doesn’t take a big church or a massive kick-off to minister effectively to today’s single population.

When at First I Don’t Succeed . . .

Being single myself, I was concerned about our church’s lack of a program for single adults. I knew something about singles’ needs, so I set out to plug our hole. That singles ministry had an inauspicious inauguration. Actually, disastrous might be a more honest description.

I launched that first attempt in 1984. It was difficult, but I was able to make almost every possible mistake. It was such a thorough failure, I nearly scared off our few singles rather than attracting new ones. After a handful of meetings with diminishing attendance, the group died a death of attrition. I was relieved to let it fold quietly. It just didn’t seem to be meeting any important needs.

About a year later, I decided to give it another try. It wasn’t that I was lacking things to keep me busy. Other outreach ministries to a prison and a rescue mission consumed our energies, too. But I had had enough time and distance to give the first effort a postmortem. I decided the failure was not from lack of potential or need-both were still evident in our community-but from a faulty approach. Since the need remained, I was willing to give singles ministry one more shot.

I counted thirty singles in the church. Twenty-five, I discovered, were not interested in a special ministry for them. The remaining five planned, prayed, and proceeded.

Two years later the group is working. One visitor asked me one morning, “How many years have you been doing this?” When I told him less than two, he was shocked: “You do all right for rookies!” Another woman who has attended told us, “I wish I had known this group twenty years ago. I wouldn’t have felt so wrong all these years being single.”

Although only three from the original planning team are still active, our Sunday morning meetings number around seventy-five singles, with a total active roster of about 125 and another 150 who are occasionally involved.

Of all these singles, only ten came from our church. Many of the singles who come from the community have made commitments to Christ. Several have joined our church, and others attend the group but belong to other churches. Still others are discovering God’s love for the first time in their adult lives. And, yes, some attend just because they like the social atmosphere.

I’ve learned a great lesson: You don’t need lots of singles to produce a viable singles ministry. Nor do you need a big budget. You don’t even need to be a big church. Almost any church can make a ministry to single adults work.

The Winning Edge

What you do need is an approach that communicates to singles. That was probably our greatest discovery from our first dismal failure. Our mistakes in the first round were instructive, though painful.

Simply by correcting our mistakes, we stumbled upon a few basic keys to success with single adults.

Â Start with a planning team. A leader’s initial strategy decision is simple: Don’t do this alone. The first time around, I went solo. The singles said they were busy, and I believed them. I thought, Okay, I’ll do whatever it takes, and they’ll appreciate being served. I named the group, planned the socials, and led the meetings. I set up the chairs, made the coffee, and cleaned up. My car still smells like coffee from the full pot that tipped over on the way to a meeting.

As anticipated, they enjoyed the service. The unanticipated corollary, however, was that they felt unnecessary. They felt no ownership. They referred to it as “Rick’s Group”-and they were right.

Rick’s Group died. Few felt any loss.

During my period of mourning, I decided the next time I would find others to share the leadership load. In my second try at singles ministry, only four people agreed to join me on a planning team, and all four were rather hesitant. I promised them success. I threatened them. I even thought about paying them!

It bothered me that I was the only positive one-and I was faking it. I suppose we were all afraid of failing again. But I swallowed my fear and lurched ahead.

The planning team met four times, initially, to evaluate our purpose, our target group, and the methods to reach them. After brainstorming our methods, we divided the work. Various members took on responsibilities like coordinating socials, welcoming newcomers, preparing advertising, and keeping finances straight. We kept the jobs for each person specific and manageable, such as: Plan one social every three months.

This original group functioned well. We’ve had turnover, as can be expected, and the job responsibilities have changed over time. But I have been able to keep my hands off many aspects of the operation of the group, such as planning and executing the socials. I’ve also made sure to share the “up-front” leadership. I’ve encouraged women to join the men in visible leadership roles to provide female role models for the other women.

Ideally a planning team is composed of five to eight open-minded, positive, and committed Christians, but you can probably start with three good souls. If possible, they should be busy singles with careers. These responsible leaders know how to get things done, and they draw other singles to the group.

In our tentative efforts, we discovered a beautiful thing: The only way a singles group will grow is through the networking singles do in their communities, workplaces, and circles of friends. Once our small nucleus caught a spark of excitement and began to share a sense of ownership, the potential group contacts increased greatly. And with greater contacts come additional resources, creativity, and respectability.

Shared ownership was our first step toward effective singles ministry. We found we couldn’t treat a singles group like a youth group. Youth need sponsors, lots of direction, and limited responsibility. Adults need and are ready to assume high levels of ownership and responsibility. Team ministry provides tremendous opportunities for growth, both in the team members’ lives and in the group itself.

Â Make singles ministry a priority. In my first attempt, I tried to squeeze the group into the fringes of my schedule. This was a mistake. The singles felt squeezed.

My evenings were so filled with church events and meetings that any attempt to schedule a new social seemed impossible. In addition, I was in the habit of scheduling home visitation calls one to two weeks ahead. The singles’ needs and crises did not fit my orderly calendar. I finally realized something was wrong when I overheard one single say to another, “He might be able to help you, but you will be lucky if you can catch him. I usually feel guilty asking him to take time for me.”

Singles ministry does take time, lots of it. The singles had questions needing answers and crises demanding responses. Planning meetings, discussion meetings, socials, and preparation were all time consuming. So the second time I made it a priority in my ministry.

That was tough. To squeeze the time, I had to abandon our struggling college program, and that was not my most popular decision. When college students would visit the church and ask, “What activities do you have for us?” I felt guilty telling them we had nothing.

But I had to decide where to pump my efforts, and singles seemed to offer the best possibility of return on those efforts.

Making singles ministry a priority did contain a pleasant surprise. My priorities communicated something vital to the singles: their worth. Most of our singles had felt strongly at some time that they were unimportant to someone (namely, the ex or the unrequited love). In making them our church’s priority, we were in effect telling them they were important.

The wonderful result was that they, in turn, decided to make the group a priority in their lives. Priorities are contagious.

Â Focus on discussion meetings, not socials. We began by centering the group around social events. I presumed that since our church already sponsored many study groups, what singles needed most was social opportunities. Once a month seemed sufficient.

Our first get-together was fun and well-attended. The second social, an outing to a theater, maintained fair attendance. A dinner party the next month was fun but lost money. A trip up the coast to Hearst Castle was the final straw. Although eight signed up for the trip, only two showed. The empty space in our fifteen-passenger van made me painfully aware that our singles ministry was not growing. Even more troubling was the feeling that little actual ministry was taking place. I felt more like a recreation leader than a minister.

Finally we concluded that socials were simply not enough. While it was true that our church offered many fine learning opportunities, singles needed a place of their own to discuss issues unique to them. Socials didn’t provide the substance needed for Christian growth, and they lacked the consistency needed to form a group identity.

In our second effort, we decided to anchor the group with a weekly discussion meeting. Other groups have tried meeting less frequently, but few have found it successful. Infrequent meetings make it difficult to develop momentum or form friendships, and nearly impossible to remember meeting dates. I was surprised to learn that many singles do not live by pocket calendars. They can remember “every Tuesday” or “every Sunday,” but “every third Wednesday” is just too difficult.

Furthermore, with weekly meetings they are less likely to allow schedule conflicts to occur. Not all singles will make every meeting, but at least they will not be confused as to which night or which week the group is meeting.

Our group has found Sunday morning the best time for the discussion meeting. It conflicts with few social and work schedules, and people can attend worship after the meeting. Other groups find a midweek evening most workable. But whatever the planning team decides regarding time or day, the every-week schedule is crucial. Anything less will hamper the ministry.

We found meetings work best with a discussion format rather than a lecture or classroom model. Singles have a lot of acquired wisdom-“tribal knowledge” they can use to help one another-and they have a need to express their opinions and feelings.

We usually start with a provocative question about a topic relevant to singles to break the ice. For instance, when our topic was “change,” I asked, “What is the biggest change or the most difficult change you have had to deal with lately?” Then I had the group break into circles of four or five to discuss the question. Another time I had each person turn to another to discuss an instance in which they felt left out by being a single.

After this initial small-group discussion we’ll reassemble. I ask, “Who would like to share?” I usually don’t have to wait long for volunteers. Then I may introduce the topic and lead the singles in a large-group discussion. Finally we break into groups again to deal with specific questions that focus on biblical material and how it applies to their lives. We often give specific passages to read and discuss.

In this manner we’ve covered topics like sexuality, the right to remarry, dealing with conflict, the need for forgiveness, our search for intimacy, and our use of power. Our group is usually ready to tackle about any subject as long as it is relevant and people’s opinions are treated with respect.

We still have socials once or twice a month. Orchestra performances, theater nights, picnics, beach trips, costume parties, dinners, softball, and volleyball have gone over well. These complement our discussion meetings, but they aren’t our major focus.

Â Meet off the church grounds. This strategy item usually gives church folks the most trouble. After all, since we’ve got this great building, why pay for rental space?

Because many singles are afraid of churches.

Negative feelings abound due to poor childhood experiences or bad experiences during separations or divorces. I ask older Christians to imagine how they would feel attending a punk rock concert. That gives them an idea how many singles feel about attending church: they fear they will not fit in or find people like themselves. Whatever the reason, some singles are hesitant to enter a church building to attend a singles group.

The best solution is to meet away from the church facilities. Such a meeting place provides an informal, nonthreatening setting that serves as a bridge to the church-a bridge that many of our singles have used.

Of course, there are problems with renting meeting space. It costs money. It creates childcare difficulties. It means we must cart our coffee, chalkboards, and other materials back and forth each week. It means a lot of extra work. But it’s worth it. Many of our singles have told me they would not have come to our group had it been held on church property.

Initially, the only place we could find to rent was the cocktail lounge at a local restaurant. Not many people frequent bars on Sunday mornings, so the manager gave us a deal. It worked great.

The group pays for itself. When we pass a basket during the discussion time, I’ll say, “If this is your first time with us, you’re our guest; we don’t expect you to pay anything. But if you’re brave enough to come back a second time, we’d like you to help support what we’re doing!”

The lounge charged us $2.50 a person, and that included coffee and a sweet roll. Now in a recreation center, we can rent the facility, provide coffee and doughnuts, and cover our advertising and program expenses for $2.00 a head. That’s affordable, and besides, singles usually have money for what they really want.

I was surprised to learn that meeting in a lounge made advertising easier. The singles in town knew their way to the Howard Johnson’s cocktail lounge! What’s more, they felt comfortable there. It was not unfamiliar turf for many.

Theologically, I loved it. There was a kind of missionary feeling to it; we were bringing the Good News of God’s love for single adults right into their territory. Eventually as we grew in numbers, we had to leave the bar and rent a local auditorium. Oddly, I wish there were a bigger bar in town that we could rent.

Â Advertise well. Our first grand fiasco in singles ministry was advertised only through the church newsletter and bulletin. Of course, then only church people knew about the group.

For our second attempt we decided to advertise to the local community. This is probably the one thing we have done best, and it continues to pay off. As we began to use the many community advertising resources, a whole stream of singles came to us.

Our local newspaper publishes church information and special events at no cost. We send announcements of our group’s topic, time, and meeting place each week, and every Friday they appear on the religion page. Many singles have come to us because of this news item.

Other great publicity outlets included radio stations that played public service announcements, and other organizations such as ski clubs that printed our publicity in newsletters or posted it at meeting places.

We printed thousands of business cards for group members to pass along to their friends or acquaintances. Handing out a business card is a familiar practice, easily commandeered for our publicity purposes. Sometimes the cards passed through three or four hands before a person actually attended. Hand-to-hand publicity was complemented by word-of-mouth promotion through the singles’ grapevine.

The point is that the word got to where the singles are found. We discovered hundreds of interested men and women in our community who wanted to find a group like ours.

. . . Try, Try Again

After our first failure, I was afraid to try again. But I’m glad now that we did. Almost in spite of ourselves, a vibrant ministry has developed. It’s now an important part of our community, our church, and my own life.

Jim would say so, too. Having grown up in a rather formal church, he decided at eighteen that it wasn’t relevant and dropped out. He got married. Then he got divorced. He read in the paper about an activity we were having, so looking for friends to ease his loneliness, he came.

On his way out, Jim said, “Hey, this was great: nice people who like to have fun too!” The next week he began coming to our Sunday morning meetings. It took him a while to figure out that no one else was using swear words during our discussion times, but the lessons began to sink in. He became caught up in the discussions; he felt they related to his life.

After a few weeks he got up the nerve to attend church with us. It was his first time in twenty years. Within about three months, Jim had become a Christian and an important part of our group. We’ve often heard him say, “This singles group is the best thing that has happened to me in my adult life.”

We’re ordinary people in an ordinary church without a big budget or a vast pool of saintly singles from which to draw-yet singles ministry is working for us. And that has happened with only a handful of people willing to assume a small degree of leadership.

Even when the largest resource is a previous wealth of mistakes, ministry can blossom.

Rick Stedman is associate minister of First Christian Church in Thousand Oaks, California.