Taken from Sexual Sanity by Earl Wilson. (c) 1984 by Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship of the USA and used by permission of InterVarsity Press, Box 1400, Downers Grove, IL 60515.
Sandy, my wife, and I had just settled down to watch the late evening news when the telephone rang. Reluctantly, I answered it. Phone calls after 11 P.M. are not usually good, and this one wasn’t. Tom, one of my clients, was calling and very upset. “It won’t stop,” he said. “As hard as I try, I can’t make the thoughts stop.”
Tom was downtown and had called in desperation because he was about to make the rounds of the adult bookstores. “I don’t want to do that again,” he said. “I don’t want the guilt, but I just can’t seem to get the thoughts out of my head.”
I knew the hell Tom was going through. Even though he had made progress, his resources at this moment seemed so limited. I rehearsed with him several steps he could use to overcome the terrible pull he was feeling. Tom began to regain control.
Sexual desire is a taskmaster that can control and destroy us if we choose to serve it. Choosing to master, not to serve it, is difficult but possible. The key is accepting responsibility for our actions without blaming God or others.
We often think we can’t change because we filter our experiences to validate our beliefs about ourselves. People are experts at hearing what they want to hear so they can believe what they want to believe so that they can do what they want to do. Obsessional thinking invariably leads to this kind of selective perception. Undoubtedly this is what the prophet had observed when he wrote about people “who have eyes but do not see, who have ears but do not hear” (Jer. 5:21).
In trying to change undesirable behavior patterns many counselors make a serious mistake: they stress stopping the undesirable without giving adequate attention to building the behavior they want. In the book of Colossians, which emphasizes Christian growth, Paul affirms three necessities for change: put off, put on, let in (see Col. 2-3).
We need to put off the obsessions and put on higher thoughts that go beyond physical stimulation.
Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry (Col. 3:1-5).
We also need to let in the truth about the sexuality God has given us. It is good. It can bring enjoyment. It doesn’t have to torment. Many people, especially men, have never learned to enjoy sexuality at a relational level. That is, they have not learned to see members of the opposite sex as people and to enjoy relating with them without pursuing sexual intercourse. Obviously, change at this level requires opening up to God the habits of inappropriate thought. These too can be broken, but additional help is needed.
Being Accountable
I have found that Christians who try to play the Lone Ranger often get into trouble. When faced with difficulty they do not have the support they need or the guidance of others who will hold them responsible for their behavior. A support and responsibility system is particularly crucial for those struggling to overcome sexual obsessions.
When I talked with Jim, he was frightened because he had just had a close call with the law. For a number of years he had been leaving home at night and walking about town looking for a female he could watch undressing or making love. Jim hated the term peeping Tom, yet he readily admitted he had become just that. This voyeuristic obsession had become so strong, it wasn’t surprising that one night he almost ran into a policeman. After his scare, he felt so guilty he almost wished he had been caught.
As a Christian struggling with this severe problem, Jim took two risks. One was to ask to talk to me, a caring professional. The other was to tell his Christian roommate about his problem and to ask for his prayers and support. This took courage; Jim knew he might be totally rejected.
Jim was fortunate. His roommate not only agreed to pray, but he also invited Jim to discuss the problem any time, day or night. Jim went one step further and asked his roommate to check his progress once a week. The roommate’s role was not to punish Jim if he failed but rather to encourage him in his success. He was to “rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Rom. 12:15).
The roommate was not a psychologist to answer the why questions-that was my job-but rather a friend to whom Jim would be accountable. Jim reported that just knowing he would have to tell his roommate was sometimes enough to deter his activities. God also used the roommate to help Jim gain some of the self-confidence that he needed.
Breaking the Chain
Thought stopping and thought substitution are important steps in dealing with obsessional behavior. Let’s explore some specific ways to break a chain of obsessional thinking.
A behavioral chain is simply a pattern in which one thought or behavior triggers another, which triggers another, which triggers another. In a chain of obsessional thinking, a rather innocent thought leads to one that is less innocent, which in turn leads to more dangerous thoughts and behavior until acting on the obsession is complete.
Susie came to see me because she was depressed and was becoming dissatisfied with her marriage. After exploring her problem, I discovered that she was heavily involved in sexual fantasy, which was sapping her emotional energy. She was spending hours each day watching soap operas and mentally living out her sexual life through the lives of the women on the screen. As we examined her behavior pattern the following chain of thoughts and behaviors became apparent.
Susie’s husband worked nights and would get home and fall into bed about the time she had to get up with the young children. A morning person, she was often sexually sensitive when she woke up. She would approach her husband, but he was seldom responsive. He occasionally gave her enough attention to arouse but not enough to satisfy. After a while she gave up. She told me, “I decided I would be aroused the rest of my life.”
She began reading love stories with her morning coffee and then began watching the soaps regularly. It wasn’t long before the pattern was established. Every morning she slipped out of bed without so much as snuggling with her husband, got the children off to school and settled down for hours of uninterrupted fantasy. Her housework suffered, her relationships with friends dwindled, and her husband became less and less important to her sex life. She recognized her behavior contradicted her beliefs, but she felt trapped and unable to break the cycle.
Together we diagrammed the chain of events. (See Figure 1.)
I asked her when she usually tried to break the chain. “When I start to feel guilty,” she said, usually at three times: when the children were getting after her to make breakfast; when she began to stimulate herself physically; and when she began to engage in full-blown fantasy during the latter part of the morning. I asked why she didn’t stop the chain when the children were nagging her. Her answer was revealing. “They didn’t make me feel bad enough. I blamed my discomfort on them.”
Figure 1. Chain Of Events
Wake up ? feel sexual tension ? watch husband sleep ? feel frustrated ? get up ? find book ? make coffee ? wake children ? start reading ? feed children ? feel frustrated ? read more ? dress children ? drive children to school ? pour coffee ? read book ? rub body ? read more ? turn on soaps ? watch two hours ? fantasize about making love ? reluctantly fix dinner
Susie was waiting too long to break the chain. Once the more stimulating aspects of the chain have begun, not even guilt feelings are strong enough to break it. Thought substitution is difficult when undesired thoughts have been entertained until they become desirable.
I encouraged Susie to attack the chain at the beginning where the links are the weakest.
We talked about what to think when she first woke up that would head off her obsessional thoughts. She could pray or read her Bible or plan her day. We also talked about experiencing her sexual feelings without catastrophizing them. She learned to say, “I’m aroused and that’s okay. I’ll just savor snuggling up to Bill. He won’t sleep forever, and he does like to have sex with me.”
Susie next assaulted the chain at link 6. Having decided to make her obsession more difficult by getting rid of some of her books, she replaced reading with talking to and playing with her children as they woke up. She felt good about this decision. It reinforced her move in the right direction, and it also tended to direct some of her sexual energies.
Susie’s final attack on the chain was at link 14, when she drove the children to school. Susie knew that without a plan at this point she would just come home, pour coffee, and find something to read or watch TV. She needed a plan to follow. The two or three hours previously given over to obsessional thinking had to be filled with something else. We talked about people she could get to know during this time period and projects she could do that she had been putting off for lack of time. We constructed a plan she was willing to follow.
Her progress followed the typical pattern-initial success and then some relapses. I held her accountable until her new behavior pattern became more self-rewarding. She began to develop new filters that said, “I can live without the soaps. I will work on real sex with my husband rather than fantasy sex with my books or TV.”
We also sought Bill’s cooperation. Bill began to reinforce Susie for the positive changes she was making, and he also committed himself to be more sexually responsive to her. This process, though not without struggles, worked. Both Susie and Bill reported that they felt better about themselves and more fulfilled in their marriage. They still had communication problems to work out, but when the obsession was slowed down, Susie had more energy to spend on them.
This story illustrates several behavioral principles for controlling obsessional thoughts or behaviors:
1. Identify the undesirable thought or behavior.
2. Reconstruct the series of events or thoughts that lead up to the undesirable thought or behavior.
3. Diagram the chain of events.
4. Develop a plan for breaking the chain. In other words, decide on something the person can do to keep him from moving from one link to the next. Remember to start as close to the beginning of the chain as possible.
5. Plan attacks on several links so that if one doesn’t work you have a back-up.
6. If you fail, start over again or try at the next attack point.
7. If you succeed, praise God and enjoy your success.
8. Remember that the plan must include substituting thoughts or behavior. (It is hard to stop one behavior or thought unless you have something else to put in its place.)
9. Recruit the help of others around. They can support with prayer, hold accountable, and even fill some of the time previously occupied by the fantasy.
10. Remind the person, if married, to take time to savor normal sexual contact. Opposite-sex friends and spouses are gifts from God. They are not to be used but enjoyed. Learning to accept them and to receive acceptance from them can help a person replace obsessional thinking with mature, healthy savoring.
Attitudes That Make Healing Possible
While working with people at different stages of growth toward wholeness, I’ve discovered attitudes that seem to be essential for deliverance from the tyranny of boredom that surrounds sexual sin. Often I’ll share these with counselees.
The first essential is openness. I must be open and vulnerable to God and my fellow Christians. It is time to stop playing games of deceit, denial, and perfectionism and admit that I am a broken person in need of healing. Ideally, this openness will be met with acceptance, prayerful concern, and a call to accountability.
If you keep your door closed and double bolted, there is no possibility of hope. Often acceptance from a single individual with whom you have been honest will open the door to further healing from God through others.
Over and over I stress the willingness to be remolded. Without willingness, healing will not take place. Greg came to see me three different times in two years. Each time he was more depressed and in worse shape physically. I invited him to open up and to deal with the issues that disturbed him. He wasn’t willing. He chose to continue pursuing his sexual fantasies. He admitted that his life had no meaning but refused to take the necessary steps toward healing.
Closely related to willingness is obedience. Once I say yes to God in the general sense (willingness), I will then be asked to say yes in the specifics (obedience). Once I realize what God wants me to do, I must choose to do it. Once I realize what God does not want me to do, I must choose not to do it. Obedience is a habit that is developed as we obey in one situation and then another. Each time we obey, it becomes easier. Often the habit of obedience is not nearly so painful as the thought of no longer following all our own desires.
Finally, we need an awareness of God’s care. God actively works on behalf of those caught in the world of sexual obsession. Such people often say to themselves, “I can’t do anything! God must have forsaken me.” Here is a good place to practice thought substitution. Repeat Philippians 4:13: “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” We have hope because forgiveness for failure is available and because God is personally invested in our success. This is an exciting alternative to sexual insanity.
Earl D. Wilson is a practicing psychologist and professor at Western Conservative Baptist Seminary in Portland, Oregon.
Copyright © 1984 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
