How many times in one week is a local church leader faced with a crisis situation? More often than most people would think. Physical, emotional, and spiritual traumas erupt at every turn. How can leaders handle the pressure?
Following is a diary of one pastor’s week. In six days he is faced with at least ten critical problems.
The cumulative weight of that many dilemmas takes its toll unless a pastor has ways to cope. Many end up seeking outside help on how to handle the pressures. At the end of the diary, Dale Frimodt, a psychologist with an Omaha pastoral counseling service called Barnabas Ministries, answers some of the questions this kind of pressure-packed lifestyle raises.
Monday
For sedateness most people would place a church office just one notch above a funeral parlor. They couldn’t be more wrong.
People come and go continually while four telephone buttons blink incoming calls. Three office workers, a social worker, several custodians, a business administrator, and seven pastors are ministering to people in birth, sickness, death, courtship, marriage, and divorce.
This morning a disheveled man is waiting on the green divan in the outer office for our social worker to interview him and give aid. Also waiting is a college couple seeking premarital counseling and testing.
Hanging on the wall in the inner office is the yellow pad containing the names of our hospitalized members, some of them terminally ill. By the receptionist’s desk is a board on which a dozen phone messages are placed for the various pastors.
This is no convalescent home. It is the emergency room of a hospital. The bulk of my morning is taken up in discussions with two of our younger pastors who want to further their education and get a degree at a seminary. They hope that the appropriate committee, of which I am a member, will approve their request.
I eat lunch with a member whose marriage has collapsed. I want to let him know I care. He tells me that he is a man of steel but the experience has knocked the stuffing out of him. His wife wants out and that’s all there is to it.
Tuesday
Church staffs develop family-like relationships. This morning is our weekly meeting for worship, prayer, conducting business, and venting frustration or joy over our work. Our support for each other in this meeting makes it possible for each of us to do his job. Today’s meeting is an unusually painful one.
Our social worker informs us that a church family may soon lose its children by order of the county social agency. Truancy from school and a general loss of discipline in the home have convinced the authorities that something has to be done.
Our only female pastor (and the newest staff member) shares her feelings of frustration. Poised and bright, she is finding her part-time seminary work to be more time-consuming than anticipated. She feels that the demands of her job description in the church cannot be satisfactorily met while she is in school. She does not think she is doing a competent job, and it worries her.
The staff agrees to help her define her responsibilities more precisely, reduce her workload, and allow more study time.
At noon I play racquetball and work off my stress. After a quick snack, I see a depressed woman who is also in the care of a professional counselor. Ever since childhood, a positive feeling of self-worth has been difficult for her. She has such a low opinion of herself that she feels even God cannot love her. Her failures are beyond forgiving, and her life experiences tend to reinforce this self-image. Her marriage has ended, her job is not challenging, and she has few truly close friends.
Yet I see signs she is growing as a person. Her healing is going to take time. In the evening I meet with the stewardship committee to discuss ways to get our members to see the critical need we have for a youth education building to cost $1.2 million. The size of the project intimidates me.
Wednesday
At 9:00 A.M., I see a college student who is not sure he believes in God any longer. His dilemma is more acute because he wants to be a minister. I identify with him. I have been there myself. We agree to meet regularly to wrestle with his questions.
I receive a phone call from a woman who tells me that her husband has agreed to marriage counseling with her. This is her first sign the relationship may endure. As she talks, I pray that some kind of breakthrough will occur for them.
In the evening I attend a Civitan Club dinner honoring clergy in Silver Spring. The members who have invited me are a delightful couple. Meeting the other pastors and getting acquainted with some community leaders proves more interesting than I expected.
Late that night my son calls from Michigan. The college grind seems to be getting to him. On top of the pressured routine, he has torn some ligaments playing basketball and is hobbling around on crutches. We sense a tinge of depression. We talk about his coming home for rest and relaxation, but we don’t know about the money. We will see.
Thursday
A member who is a good friend of mine shares his pain over his daughter. Recently married almost on a whim, she has dropped out of college. After just a short time the marriage is over, and she is back home. I try to remind him that she is young and will recover. Perhaps she has learned some lessons from the breakup. But whatever happens, he must be with her. I tell him that my sermon this week might be helpful to him.
I talk with a staff member about the stresses of the pastorate on family life. He is feeling enormous pressure. Unlike most professions, in the ministry “one feels he is digging a pit that has no bottom,” he tells me. “The deeper you go into the problems of this church, the more there is to shovel.” His schedule is completely out-of-sync with his wife and children, since the bulk of responsibility falls on him evenings and weekends. He senses his wife’s increasing anger over their lack of time together.
In the afternoon I call a man in the Midwest about joining our pastoral staff as chaplain for the hospitalized members. His son has recently been killed in an automobile accident. He remarks: “I don’t think it would be good for my family to move just yet. We have suffered a terrible shock, and it will take a long time for us to heal. I think it would be best if we stayed put for a while, but thanks for calling me.”
Friday
This is sermon day in earnest. During the week I have been reading, reflecting, and praying; now I must put words on a blank sheet of paper.
My subject for this week has come from several couples who visited with me some weeks ago about the problems they are having with their children. They feel like failures as parents. They are unable to understand why their kids repudiate their values. Their pain is transparent. About the same time another member loaned me a book she had found insightful and healing in relation to her own family. It was entitled The Hurting Parent. I had the bones of my sermon.
I put flesh on it by using the story from the book of Samuel about Absalom’s rebellion against his father, David. More than anything else, I want the parents in my congregation to remember that the best of them cannot guarantee success. Children are free to make their own decisions. Even if they have not been the best parents, forgiveness is more real than their failure. Furthermore, the appropriate response to the pain their children cause is not revenge or rejection but forgiving love.
Saturday
This, my rest day, is when I work the hardest. A virus has been nagging me all week, and I can feel my voice getting husky. By the end of the first service, I am fearful that I will not make it through the second. The audio technician turns up the volume to compensate for my failing voice, and I just make it through.
As people are leaving, their quiet comments (and in at least one case some tears) let me know how much this subject has affected them. During the noon meal a father calls me to make an appointment for the coming week. He tells me that the sermon just “blew him away.” He feels now that he is being too hard on his son.
My friend calls. “You preached that sermon just for me,” and, in one sense, I had. After eating dinner, I think about a very special service that is to take place that evening in the home of the previous senior pastor and his wife. They have invited my wife and me to a Communion service followed by a love feast consisting of natural foods such as fruit, mild cheeses, honey, nuts, and seeds with fruit juices for beverage.
When we arrive at their home, we sense immediately that those who are already there are un-comfortable. They are all aware she has terminal cancer, and this service is for her to share with her friends before she gets too ill to enjoy it.
Her husband begins by making a statement. It is direct, honest, free of bitterness. There is no hint that because he has given his life in ministry to others, his family deserves special favors from God. He celebrates the quality of life over the quantity. (His wife reminds him that he is not preaching a sermon and should sit down. We all chuckle.)
She then reads with us a responsive testament of faith she has written. Each sentence throbs with her confidence in God.
We sing her favorite hymns and songs. Then, following the incident recorded in John’s Gospel, she and her husband gather their family around them and wash each other’s feet. Some of us comfortable in doing the same follow their example. Prayer, Scripture, song, and touch mediate the presence of God to us. The atmosphere is electrified with celebration and joy. This is not a wake at all.
Once it had been the pastor and his wife for the suffering people; now it is the people for the suffering pastoral family. True, we are reminded of our mortality. But more important, we are gripped by the promise of the future, which is the wellspring of Christian faith. Death and sorrow will not have the last word.
A Counselor’s Response: Dale Frimodt
1. From your experience, does this seem to be a typical week a pastor might face?
It’s all too typical. The details may not be the same, but the pressure to be always available to people is common. It’s interesting to note that in this diary the telephone is frequently used by the pastor. Many pastors I counsel comment that they sometimes feel like pulling the phone out of the wall. They often feel resentful toward the very people they’re supposed to care for. Is the pastor the only one capable of making the people feel safe?
Even a pastor with a multiple staff can be overburdened with the needs of the people. Many pastors I meet are pastoring much smaller churches and don’t have even a secretary. Because of their limited manpower, they feel they must do all the work and carry all the burdens of the people. It’s not surprising, though, to see that the size of the church and staff matter little. A pastor who cares about people will often find himself feeling trapped by the demands of ministry. Others may not be as people-centered but will feel just as tired from overseeing the programs of the church.
2. What does the fact that this pastor faced ten (or more) serious crises in one week mean to his ability to function?
That depends on the personality and abilities of the pastor. In this case, I sense that the pastor is very honest in his desire to say “I care” to his people. The people on his staff and others in the church seem to view him as a caring-father type. He would probably feel very out of place and unnecessary if the people didn’t look to him. He probably finds himself emotionally exhausted at times, but feels good about being needed.
If a pastor doesn’t have outlets for sharing and mutual encouragement, his ability to help diminishes before long. If that happens, he may begin to doubt his worth in the ministry.
3. What steps can be taken to cope with this kind of pressure?
First, determine who is ultimately responsible for the success of the ministry. If the pastor thinks he or she is the responsible party, then eventually the ministry will become too heavy to carry. If, on the other hand, he recognizes that God brings about the success, the pressure of the ministry can be handed over.
Second, establish a priority order to life and ministry. Maintaining a balance between personal growth and ministry demands is a must. If a pastor doesn’t know when to say no, it won’t be long before the pressures of the ministry will dictate schedule. A pastor can’t avoid stress in the ministry, but he can prepare himself to handle it when it comes.
Third, carefully evaluate one’s leadership style and God-given gifts to carry out that leadership. The fourth chapter of Ephesians seems to recommend that a pastor is called to equip the church to carry out the work of the ministry. Many pastors are doing the work of the church rather than preparing others to do it. Even if a church adds to its pastoral staff, professional ministers often find themselves overburdened with the pressures of the ministry. If the pressures of the ministry are shared by an entire church body, the load is much lighter.
4. What are the red flags that indicate a pastor is not coping well with these pressures?
First, is the pastor losing sight of his vision, dream, or plan for the church? He continues to minister but he doesn’t remember in what direction to head.
Second, is there role confusion? He keeps busy because he is paid to minister, but at times he is busy in areas that he’s not God-gifted to handle.
Third, is there a loss of joy and freedom in the ministry? Self-doubts about his abilities in the ministry are more prevalent now.
Fourth, is there loneliness or isolation? The pastor wonders if anybody cares. During this period, a pastor may not be as tolerant with others because of his own inner struggles.
Fifth, what is the quality of his family life? It is hard to be a good husband and father if he feels overcome by the ministry. If the family is strong, it will hold together; if not, it may become a casualty.
Sixth, are there misgivings about his call to the ministry? He may wonder if he was ever intended to be a pastor. Another job or even another woman may present themselves as means of escape for a frustrated pastor.
The above events may vary in sequence, but these signals seem to be common ones. Unfortunately, they are often very difficult for the pastor himself to evaluate.
5. Can you recommend some outside resources pastors can turn to if they feel overwhelmed by their ministry?
Ideally, a pastor has already established a safe relationship with a fellow pastor or denominational leader to whom he can now turn for help. Too often, though, this has not happened, and a pastor feels he must seek help outside his immediate frame of reference.
The only ministries I know firsthand that are set up to help pastors understand and cope with pressures are Marble Retreat, Marble, Colorado, and the ministry I direct, Barnabas Ministries in Omaha. Some denominations are presently working to establish such programs. There are also other trusted groups working in this area of ministry. I would recommend a book by Dr. Louis McBurney called Every Pastor Needs a Pastor. By all means, though, a pastor should not feel ashamed that he is in need of help.
