Marital Counseling
by H. Norman Wright Christian Marriage Enrichment, $16.95
Reviewed by C. E. Cerling, Jr. Pastor, First Baptist Church Tawas City, Mich.
Ministers do more marriage counseling than all the marriage counselors put together. Even today, most major marriage counseling organizations have more members with ministerial training or background than from any other profession.
H. Norman Wright has written a book for the minister/counselor who wants to operate from a Christian perspective, but who has found helpful instruction scarce. He focuses not so much on the past as on what people want to see happen in the present and future. The past does not determine what we will be; rather, our choices in the present set our course for the future. The principle “As we think, so shall we be” dominates his thinking.
The first chapter of the book briefly summarizes current studies on the family life cycle, but the remainder of the book is extremely practical. His commitment to a biblically based approach to counseling leads him first to examine Jesus’ style of counseling, and then to follow with an apologetic for what Wright calls behavioral-cognitive counseling. He says much about feelings- that they are controlled by our thinking but can be overcome by a decision to behave properly. In all of this, he integrates the Bible with the best of contemporary psychology to give an outlook very helpful both for its insight and its practicality.
This emphasis on thinking and immediate behavioral change leads to an excellent chapter on emphasizing the positive. Usually when couples come for counseling, the counselor often can expect to be their emotional garbage can during the first session or two. Instead, Wright stresses the importance of having couples share positive things about their relationships. This changes their focus from what is going wrong, which may not be that large, to what is going right. The counselor uncovers areas in which the couple feels positive about what is happening in the marriage. At the same time, he begins to work with them on ways they can increase their positive behavior toward one another. Thus, rather than seeking to improve the marriage through removal of negative factors, he seeks to build it through the development of positive factors.
More problems are caused in marriage because of unexpressed and unrealized expectations than from any other source. It is only as expectations are expressed, answered or met, and dealt with that this major problem source can be overcome. Wright gives exercises couples can use to bring out and discuss their expectations.
A particularly valuable section for the minister who cannot return to school for more education in marriage counseling is the appendix. Wright lists a variety of resources that shorten counseling time while increasing its effectiveness. He also gives an excellent bibliography of resources for marriage and family counseling, as well as a list of tools to use in dealing with some of the more common counseling problems such as anger, worry, depression, and a poor self-image. These are valuable self-education tools.
Other key chapters discuss the biblical perspective on counseling, how to begin the initial interview, the value of focusing on the couple’s courtship, various behavioral approaches to use in counseling, how to structure the counseling session, and an overview of the counseling process.
This book is available only by ordering from Christian Marriage Enrichment, 8000 E. Girard, Suite 601, Denver, Colorado 80231.
Freedom of Simplicity
by Richard J. Foster Harper & Row, $9.95
Reviewed by H. Benton Lutz Pastor, St. Stephen Lutheran Church Williamsburg, Vir.
“This is not a book that I was automatically drawn to write,” confesses Richard J. Foster.
In the same way, it is not the kind of book church leaders would automatically be drawn to read, and for the same reason: The book confronts us in a place where we are perhaps the ‘weakest in our Christian faith.
Foster first looks at the life and teachings of Christ as they are couched in paradox, which together make the central point that simplicity is complex. “The way to find our life is to lose it; in giving we receive; he who is the Prince of Peace brings the sword of division. … Paradoxes are only apparent contradictions, not real ones. Their truth is often discovered by maintaining a tension between two opposite lines of teaching.”
The pivotal paradox is that simplicity is both a grace and a discipline. That is, it is both a free gift and something we are called on to strive after.
Foster invites us into the struggle for simplicity by saying, “Have you ever experienced this situation? One person speaks, and even though what he or she is saying may well be true, you draw back, sensing a lack of authenticity. Then someone else shares the same truth in the same words, but now you sense an inward resonance, the presence of integrity. What is the difference? One is providing simplistic answers, the other is living in simplicity.”
He then leads us into a survey of the biblical roots, from the Old and New Testaments, for living in simplicity.
It begins with creation. We were created as dependent, but when Adam and Eve said, in effect, “We can provide for ourselves,” they fell into a radical vulnerability by repudiating their dependence. Simplicity means a return to the posture of dependence.
Simplicity also means a radical obedience. “God spoke, Abraham obeyed. No contingency plans, no skirting around the issue, no if s, ands, or buts.” There is no room for the idolatries of affluence or of success. Anything that becomes an inordinate desire, an inner compulsion, or an undisciplined craving is condemned in the Ten Commandments.
In the Old Covenant there are strong calls for justice and compassion, which show a special concern for those who can not take care of themselves: the widows, the orphans, the poor. Foster documents this well, and he also speaks of wholeness through the word “shalom.” He quotes Bishop John Taylor who says, “Shalom meant a ‘dancing’ kind of interrelationship, seeking something more free than equality, more generous than equity, the ever-shifting equipoise of a life-system . “
But it is hard to dance after the Fall, and in the great burden of providing for ourselves against tomorrow, Jesus comes. He comes to “set at liberty those who are oppressed.” With that quote, Foster launches his discussion of the New Covenant and its call to simplicity. Christ must be at the center. He says, “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth,” but “do lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven.” The treasures, Foster says, are not just great riches, but all those things that we trust in and cling to.
The New Covenant, like the Old, identifies strongly with the poor, the captive, the blind, and the oppressed. So a Christian fellowship developed to support one another in guarding themselves against the dangers of wealth. It is a fellowship that supports the “attractive ability to surrender our rights for the good of others,” which is central to everything about simplicity. Jesus invites us to break free of Mammon lust and live in joyous trust.
Foster also deals with the tradition of the Saints and what they have taught us about simplicity. Whether they cared for one another in the believing community, or retreated from community as the Desert Fathers, or lived in the world but not of it like St. Francis of Assisi, the call was toward God and “free from outward cumbers.” The discussion here is far ranging, from Luther to Clarence Jordan, Robert Raikes to Kierkegaard. “Their message is clear, and perhaps best summed up by Francis de Sales, ‘In everything, love simplicity.’
The second part of Foster’s book is the meat and potatoes of simplicity. Entitled “The Practice,” it starts with inward simplicity. “We dash here and there desperately trying to fulfill the many obligations that press in upon us. … What will set us free from this bondage to the everspiraling demands that are placed upon us? The answer is found in the grace of Christian simplicity,” which will “unify the demands of our life. It will prune and trim gently and in the right places.”
It is a matter of seeking first the kingdom of God, and as promised, all other things will be added unto us. It is not the imposing of a simplified lifestyle on ourselves, but finding the divine center. Foster has some practical suggestions here: prayer, setting aside a time that cannot be transgressed for family, getting in touch with our many selves that pull us in separate directions, trying to say a significant prayer for those around us, and practicing silence.
Inward simplicity calls for us ultimately to disown ourselves. Foster says, “What we have failed to see is this amazing paradox: true self-fulfillment comes only through self-denial.” As Fenelon said, “Sincerity is a virtue below simplicity. The sincere have a deep concern for honesty and truth, and although these are great virtues, they have a certain self-consciousness about them: a concern to do right, to be right, to look right.” Those who practice simplicity go a step beyond in forgetting self, in living more spontaneously. Foster urges the keeping of a spiritual journal to track the growth towards true simplicity.
We must, Foster says, risk making simplicity into a new legalism by being specific, and with that he begins his discussion of outward simplicity by saying, “Personal finances is the new forbidden subject of modern society.”
In his section on corporate simplicity, Foster says that we as a church are under the same constraints and endowed with the same graces as we are as individuals. Churches should not seek after wealth any more than should individuals. Identification with the poor and with justice is important. Proper use of resources, including the use of all church members in the ministry, and caring for all members financially and spiritually, builds towards the divine center.
The church is not our only outlet for corporate simplicity. Alexander Solzhenitzyn once said, “On our crowded planet there are no longer any internal affairs.” We as Christians must address the world with our Lord’s Word as it pertains to world problems such as overpopulation, overconsumption, and pollution.
The world needs the church desperately to speak and act out its freedom of simplicity.
Jesus invites us to share his yoke. We are the yoked ones, and Foster has written a powerful reminder of the implication of that fact. “Our only task is to keep in step with Christ.”
A Year with the Psalms
by Eugene Peterson Word Books, $8.95
Reviewed by Daniel W. Pawley Assistant editor of LEADERSHIP.
The problem I’ve always had with devotional books is that the individual devotionals are too long. They contain too many thoughts, too much verbiage, too many colons, parenthetical cross references, italics, ellipses, and parallels to life.
But this book is different. When you’re up at dawn, out on the porch swing or in an armchair listening to the sounds of morning and smelling freshly perked coffee, Peterson gives you one verse and one thought.
I like this devotional approach very much. For one thing, it allows me to read the verse over many times and get a pretty good idea of what it’s saying For another, since there’s only one thought, I can think it through thoroughly, until it settles over me like a blanket. It’s easy to carry the thought with you for the entire day, referring to it every now and then.
This morning, for instance, I read the devotional entitled “My Complaint.” The verse was Psalm 64:1. “Hear my voice, O God, in my complaint; preserve my life from dread of the enemy.” Peterson’s thought: “We do not have to ‘dress up,’ either inwardly or outwardly, when we come to God in prayer. We do not have to hide our anger, suppress our distress, or mask our irritability. It is all right to complain to God.”
I needed to be reminded that I can approach God honestly without doing a costuming act. I was in pajamas, robe, and slippers; should I dress my morning worship in white collar and tie? More important, though, if the day’s chain of events should cause aspects of my life to crumble without warning, should I disguise my true feelings-anger or distress, possibly- as I turn to the Lord in prayer? According to the psalmist and to the author of this book, no.
Peterson also ends each devotional with a prayer. For this day it was, “I am so used to hiding the feelings and thoughts that others might find unacceptable, O God, that I even try to do it with you. Keep me honest in my prayers. You know how to deal with such as me. I do not fear your rejection, and I hope in your salvation, even in Jesus Christ. Amen.”
Three hundred and sixty-five days does not seem like a particularly long time to spend in the Psalms. After reading A Year with the Psalms, I don’t think of them in terms of chapters and verses; they are to me a boundless daily experience, restricted and quartered by nothing. They are as Peterson suggests: songs of victory, gates of righteousness, festal processions, a goodly theme, a refuge, a strength, a hope, and a friend.
Healing for Damaged Emotions
by David A. Seamands Victor Books, $3.95
Reviewed by M. Dean Register Pastor, Enon Baptist Church Franklinton, La.
Christians with emotional hang-ups are not “fakes, phonies, or hypocrites. They are people like you and me, with hurts and scars and wrong programming which interfere with their present behavior.”
David Seamands underscores this conviction with a blend of biblical theology and pastoral wisdom in a book that abounds with understanding of today’s emotional stresses.
The author believes that damaged emotions require divine repairs. However, before they can become operative, we must discard the damaging ways in which we see ourselves and God. Using the parable of the debtors, the author develops a biblical structure for analyzing our spiritual and emotional problems. “The unforgiven and unforgiving person is plagued with guilt and resentment.” To him, God is like a harsh and stern debt-collector. He lives under a sense of oughtness, of owing a debt.
Like the debtor, we often seek to atone for the debt we owe, or the debt someone owes us, without realizing that the whole account has been cancelled by grace. Seamands explains that failure to receive forgiveness and failure to give forgiveness are the two major causes of emotional problems among evangelical Christians. The way we see ourselves, and consequently the way we respond to others, needs a point of focus in Jesus Christ-“The Wounded Healer.”
Seeing ourselves as grace-recipients rather than debt-collectors, and seeing our Savior as one who feels our infirmities, prepares us for the healing of damaged emotions. Seamands acknowledges that healing is a process It requires time, growth in grace, and reprogramming. The three experiences that he targets for healing are low self-esteem, perfectionism, and depression.
Low self-esteem is Satan’s deadliest weapon. It hangs over many Christians like an unhealthy smog, paralyzing our potential, destroying our dreams, ruining our relationships, and sabotaging our service for Christ. Healing for low self-esteem begins when we take the picture of our value and worth from God, rather than from the false reflections that come out of our past. It hinges on a choice you must make: Will you listen to Satan as he employs all the lies, the distortions, putdowns, and hurts of the past, or will you receive your self-esteem from
God and his Word?
Perfectionism, the tyranny of the “oughts,” cripples many sincere Christians. It takes the form of selfdepreciation, spiritual anxiety, legalism, anger, and denial. The perfectionist operates under the strain of a self he can’t like, a God he can’t please, and people he can’t get along with. The end result will be a breakaway or a breakdown.
Seamands feels the cure for perfectionism resides in the profound yet simple experience of grace that comes to us in Jesus Christ. However, becoming a perfectionist didn’t happen overnight, and the healing process cannot occur overnight. We must allow the Lord to reprogram our emotions according to his schedule.
Even as low self-esteem and perfectionism cause emotional damage, so also does depression. Seamands points out that depression frequently arises in the biographies of the saints. David, Elijah, and Jonah encountered it. Jesus felt “sorrowful even unto death.” Martin Luther, Samuel L. Brengle, and John Wesley all walked in the slough of depression. The author’s point is that depression comes to each of us, but it is not necessarily a sign of spiritual failure. Depression can come from our personality structure, physical makeup, glandular functions, emotional patterns, and learned feeling-concepts.
Seamands notes that the change came in his personal fight with depression when he came to accept himself as he was, when he listened to God say “Hey, this is all you’ve got! You’re not going to get another personality. You’d better settle down and live with it and learn to do something with it.” He adds that the first step in learning to live above depression is to accept yourself as you are-grounded l in God’s love, not in your feelings or performance.
Since we live in a fallen, imperfect, and suffering world, we are forced to face the factual nature of evil. People hurt, emotions get damaged, anxieties arise. But we can become healed helpers through God’s “recycling grace.” This takes the garbage of our infirmities and damaged emotions and turns them from curses that cripple, into means for growth in God’s service.
Copyright © 1981 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
