Speaking to problems of the unequally yoked
One of the favorite events at the Little League picnic was a father and son three-legged race. Tall, bony men had their legs tied to those of short, cubby nine-year-olds. Heavyset dads were hitched to their wiry sons. When “Get on your mark, get set, go!” resounded in the park, people on the sidelines laughed so hard they cried.
It was funny because fathers and sons were linked together despite the fact that they were mismatched in size, stamina, and capability. The first thing each pair did when they either dropped out or crossed the finish line was untie the cord that bound them at their ankles and knees. Would any of them have considered staying tied together for the rest of their lives? Despite their fun, it was obvious that the men and boys had been uncomfortable when they were harnessed to one another.
To be permanently unequally yoked: that is the plight of Christians who are married to unbelievers. United in a permanent marriage union with a mate who is not spiritually their equal, they are burdened with an overload of spiritual responsibility. They face the tremendous task of living holy, exemplary lives with someone who shares neither their joy of salvation nor their basic purpose for living.
Such “unequal yokes” happen to Christians in at least four ways. The first is the most common: two unbelievers marry and one of them subsequently comes to faith in Christ; there is no disobedience involved.
The second way a Christian can become unequally yoked is to marry a non-Christian, thinking the mate is a believer when in fact he or she is not. Sometimes unbelievers will purposely pretend to confess Christ to get the person they want to marry. Many give outward evidence of conversion, and they go to church and even read the Bible.
A third way to become unequally yoked arises out of ignorance of biblical principles. Some people have never been taught not to marry someone who does not profess and live by faith in Jesus Christ.
Fourth, some Christians become unequally yoked because they willfully disobey the apostle Paul’s injunction in 2 Corinthians 6:14: “Do not be bound together with unbelievers …” (NASB).
However she arrived there, one of the most difficult situations a Christian woman ever faces is that of being unequally yoked. (Since the typical church includes many more women then men who are married to non-Christians, the focus of this article will be on ministering to them, although we do include a brief addendum listing some applications for husbands.—Eds.).
Such a woman is in a hard, sometimes heartbreaking position. She is supposed to live according to Scripture and be a helpmeet and submissive wife. At the same time she carries the burden of knowing her husband is neither spiritually awakened nor secure for eternity. She and her husband may differ sharply over what their lifestyle should be. Many women in this situation feel hopeless, and sometimes they are neglected by the church.
But the burden is not theirs alone. It belongs also to the church. “We, who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another” (Rom. 12:5). So, the problems faced by unequally yoked wives become corporate problems. Because we are to “bear one another’s burdens …” (Gal. 6:5), we must be sensitive to these women. Pastors, counselors, and lay people must understand their distinctive difficulties and develop ways to meet their needs.
An unequally yoked wife feels different from other Christian wives. She hurts because many church activities are planned for couples. She’s the one whose husband won’t come with her to the Wednesday night pot-luck, the Christmas cantata, or the Sunday school program. She feels left out—and is sometimes actually exeluded—because so many church events do center on husbands and wives. Church leaders need to remember this when they make plans.
Another problem is their husbands’ jealousy, not of other men, but of Christ. Because the unsaved husband has no allegiance to Christ, he cannot understand his wife’s commitment to him, and he may deeply resent the time she devotes to her Christian responsibility.
Yet churches sometimes inadvertently pressure these women to get more involved with activities that cut down the amount of time they spend with their husbands—and thus aggravate the problem. There is a difference between time with God and time spent at church. The church needs to fit into the extraordinary circumstances of their lives, rather than expect them to fit into all the programs.
Unequally yoked women do not have the usual freedom of time and movement. Many of them cannot attend church regularly, nor take regular ministry assignments; yet we must use them. Rather than exclude them, church leaders can provide opportunities for them to minister in ways that suit their limitations. Many unbelieving husbands don’t want their wives going to church during the weekend. But since it is easier for these women to be involved during the week, churches can schedule classes and activities during those days and thus not infringe on the time they must devote to their unbelieving mates.
One church prints an outline of the pastor’s Sunday sermon and provides a “tape” class of his message during the week for women who cannot get to Sunday services. Once a quarter the pastor serves Communion to them.
Several churches involve these women in volunteer work, such as record keeping and phoning, which they can do in their homes. One woman, a gifted counselor, is appointment secretary and screener for a staff counselor. She interviews people who call for help, sets up appointments, and personally disciples many women with problems whom the pastor refers to her. She does this at home, and in no way neglects her husband for the church.
The sexual relationship is also a problem to many unequally yoked wives. Several years ago, when I was teaching a Bible study on the topic of sex within marriage, a woman asked, “I’m married to an unbeliever. Neither of us were Christians when we were married. I came to Christ and my husband hasn’t. Although I love him very much, I feel guilty every time we have intercourse, because I’m plagued by the idea that I’m joining a child of Satan with a child of God. This has really decreased my enjoyment. What should I do?”
Unequally yoked wives crave assurance that their marriages are looked upon by God with favor. The apostle Paul affirmed the sanctity of such a union (1 Cor. 7), but many Christian women are ignorant of that fact. Scriptural knowledge and practical advice are most helpful, so they can be free to enjoy full, meaningful sexual relationships with their husbands.
Almost all unequally yoked wives agree that their greatest heartache is the spiritual need of their husbands. Because of their concern, it is easy for Christian wives to dwell on their husbands’ unbelief to such an extent that they overstep the scriptural formula for winning them without a word. In desperation they may start “preaching,” judging them, or putting pressure on their husbands to behave differently, or to go to church. Ultimately, they may feel they are responsible to save them.
Pastors, counselors, teachers, and friends can help these women change from a negative focus to positive deeds of godliness and be the wives God wants them to be. Unequally yoked wives can be encouraged to live in the present, to make the most of their marriages as they are—and not wait in limbo for their husbands to receive Christ. At the same time, prayer and faith can be developed in dependence on the Holy Spirit. Practical knowledge of Scripture is indispensable.
Another serious problem is the verbal and physical abuse unequally yoked wives often suffer. What should her pastor tell her? Does God expect them to tolerate vicious belittlement? Is it contrary to mutual submission to refuse to put up with continual mistreatment?
There are some guidelines to follow. If a woman or her children are in physical danger, she should be told to move out—not to get a separation or a divorce, but to survive. She should work out a plan to avert an attack, or to escape if one occurs. Someone from the church can be assigned to her, whom she can use as a “crisis hotline” and call upon for help at any hour of the day or night.
In cases of verbal abuse, which can be just as debilitating as physical attacks, the best answer is no answer. In cases of severe, ongoing abuse, a temporary separation may be necessary, to decrease the danger and to start emotional healing. Many women stay because they think they have done something wrong and hope to make it right, but this rarely works. Regardless of the cause of conflict, the wife doesn’t have to be a punching bag. Women in such circumstances need expert counseling and should be encouraged to get it. They must rebuild their self-esteem and sort through their guilt and remorse.
A significant dilemma in a Christian/non-Christian marriage is the lack of a spiritual leader in the home. Of course, many non-Christians make good husbands, but the issue here is between husband and wife. No matter how many Christian friends she has, the unequally yoked wife suffers spiritually because her husband does not nourish and cherish her as Christ does the church (Eph. 5:29).
How can local church leaders help such women? First, know who they are, and second, develop a ministry of encouragement to them. It helps greatly if they have at least one close friend of the same sex who can be a spiritual helper and sustainer: a prayer partner, someone they can sit with in church, someone to study the Bible with and to go to for advice.
In some churches, upwards of 25 percent of those who attend are married to unconverted mates, yet few churches do anything specific for them in terms of either fellowship or instruction. To meet this need, pastors and lay leaders can start a ministry to the unequally yoked. Poll the congregation and find out who are unequally yoked, what their personal needs are, and then get their suggestions about how the church can help.
There are many approaches; here is one that has been successful. Five women in the church (with permission) formed a planning committee to see what could be done: a single girl, two unequally yoked women, and two who were not. They brainstormed together and built on ideas from other churches. They did not want to segregate the unequally yoked women from regular Bible studies or church activities, so they decided a monthly meeting would be sufficient, with special functions like potluck dinners, theater parties, beach trips, or ball games, arranged intermittently, to include husbands whenever possible.
Meetings are open to any Christian woman who is married to an unbeliever. Since many women work, they chose a week night, and they keep to a rigid 7 to 9 P.M. limit. Husbands thus are less likely to complain about their wives being out long hours at church activities. They also offer child care, so husbands are not saddled with baby-sitting.
Different individuals speak each month on topics based on the special needs of the group. A sponsor’s committee selects topics, arranges for speakers, mails notices, takes attendance, keeps a roster of members, and sets up book and tape lending libraries. They also conduct the meetings and, along with volunteers from the class, plan the supplementary husband/wife social activities. Speakers include women Bible teachers, pastors, women who have been unequally yoked or still are, and people from other churches who have expertise in a specific area of interest to the unequally yoked.
The special ministry to the unequally yoked has many purposes. It provides a setting where women can share and interact with Christians of like circumstances. It serves the unique needs of unequally yoked wives. It offers a forum for biblical instruction. From Scripture these women can be taught how to be “First Peter Three wives”—how to understand their roles and spiritual responsibilities, and how to apply biblical principles to their own situations. Counselors and friends are available to give advice about problems. And, of course, this ministry becomes a source of prayer support.
Another important purpose of the ministry is outreach when the unequally yoked group becomes a basis for social functions that include unsaved husbands. As long as they are not made special targets for preaching or public prayers on these occasions, many men are willing to come. Frequently their association with believers ultimately leads them to a personal knowledge of Christ.
To avoid any possible misunderstandings, the unequally yoked group should be approached as part of the total ministry of the church in the same way churches approach ministries to other specialized groups, such as singles, single parents, drug users, divorcees, the elderly, and so on. This ministry is not to be structured so as to take the place of any ongoing ministry, but rather as an additional, special support system for people with a particular problem.
One potential problem is that unless the church is extremely careful in the way the classes and ministry to the unequally yoked are publicized, some unsaved husbands might be offended. Leaders must stress that the term “unequally yoked” should never be used publicly where a non-Christian mate could learn of it.
Another possible pitfall is that the class or ministry takes on a negative tone. Women must be taught to be positive about their situations.
Specifically, the purposes of such a group would be: (1) to see that the needs of the unequally yoked woman are met; (2) to direct her attention toward Jesus Christ and his plan for her life and away from her problems; (3) to provide an environment where she can express herself, without embarrassment, with women of like circumstances.
As these objectives are met and as unequally yoked wives deepen their commitment to Christ, they will feel more a part of his body, and share, grow, and learn together. Changes for the better do take place. As wives develop godly attitudes and learn techniques for improved husband-wife relationships, the Holy Spirit woos and wins their mates to the Lord.
If this is not happening often in local churches, it is perhaps because no one knows the depth of the burdens and the singular problems of unequally yoked wives. A special ministry could be the answer to many of their difficulties. It could make the difference between whether some of their husbands are lost or saved.
